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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU? Train give up seat for a child situation

369 replies

FriendsObsessed · 05/04/2023 19:09

So I was on the way home today. Busy train, full of commuters.
i managed to get a seat, one of those 3 that are on the side of the carriage and can be flipped up if needed.

An older couple got on with their (I assume) grandchildren.
The women next to me offered her seat to one of the kids. The grandfather came back saying at yes if they could sit together that would be lovely (keeping eye contact with the woman). She was like ‘I can only offer you my seat’. I didn’t move… he sat down with the child on his lap.

someone else got up and offered the seat to the other child. Same thing happened the grandmother sat down with the other child on her knees (kind of)

i tried to just chill (as I always do on the train) but I kept feeling very uncomfortable and sensed a bit of a death stare. The kids were pretty annoying, and weren’t told to just sit and keep kicking other people’s bags, seats and stop complaining. When I got off the train I could hear the grandfather saying, now you sit here finally.

I’m just so annoyed at folks travelling on train with kids expecting that others should move/give up seats for them. AIBU?

ps the children were approx 4 and 6 yo

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 05/04/2023 20:08

Two adults and two children got on a packed train. They didn't ask anyone for seats. They got offered seats and they sat down (separately) with the kids on their knees. No one asked for a seat for the children. No one talked to you.

Yet, somehow, you still managed to turn this into an adults vs children on the train thread.

CountZacular · 05/04/2023 20:08

I’m a bit bemused by this. He didn’t ask for the seat, didn’t make any comments but was fidgety? I’d assume he was just uncomfortable.

I’ve voted YABU because your complaint (people expecting adults give up their seats for children) didn’t even happen. It was a non issue.

I’m on the fence about this too. Whilst I do think a small child should occupy a seat to themselves on a busy train/bus if it can be avoided, in this instance the child only got a seat when you left. They were otherwise on an adults knee so it’s a complete non-issue.

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 20:09

Oh for god sake no one asked you to move for a child don’t be ridiculous!

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 05/04/2023 20:09

Kids are either small enough to sit on a knee or they are big enough to stand. They don't get to take a seat from an adult when there aren't enough seats.

The grandfather was very rude, you could have been less able to stand.

RedEyeBaby · 05/04/2023 20:10

Very small children do get tired legs and that can make them whiny. However I wouldn't expect you to give up your seat. Having said that, people have sometimes offered me a seat for me and my dc and I've accepted with a very grateful thank you. It's up to you what you do and I wouldn't think badly.

Newuser82 · 05/04/2023 20:10

VariationsonaTheme · 05/04/2023 19:19

I give up my seat for small children. They usually don’t have the best balance and end up knocking into other people and causing accidents.

Yes me too. I find it my CV easier to stand on a train or bus than my kids, especially the youngest. He gets bashed into by people, can't always hold on well and I have to frequently catch him or stop him bumping his head on the poles etc. I always sit the kids down before myself for this reason. However when I was younger I'd always be made to stand for grown ups so if the kids are sitting and a grown up gets on I sit them on my knee or give them my seat to free one up.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 05/04/2023 20:10

Riv · 05/04/2023 20:02

@Kanaloa I am an able bodied adult and I would expect a child to give up their seat for me, just as I would make my children stand for an adult. It’s the way I was brought up. A child sitting when an adult is standing is the height of bad manners.
But so many people today have different ideas so I am not surprised at the mumsnet response. So you just let the children learn to disrespect adults and become selfish. Karma will out in the end.

Expecting a seat , from a child or adult, just makes you an entitled twat. Definitely not a sign of good manners anyway.

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:10

The one thing I do find interesting is everyone who's saying it's good manners for the children to stand is missing that the grandad sat down instead of allowing the grandma the first available seat.

WL82 · 05/04/2023 20:12

On most trains there are big signs saying that priority seats must be given up to people with young children so if the seat you took was a priority seat then that might explain why they were unhappy that you didn’t offer if not then technically you don’t have to offer. They or their grandchild may have been struggling. There are clear rules determined by the train operator about seat use so surely you can find out if you were in the wrong or not by checking to see if you were in a priority seat. It’s not really a matter of opinion as there are rules. Surely it would have been easier to simply check next time so you know the answer rather than posting about it online and making a big deal out of it. I don’t mean to sound unkind but it would take you a matter of seconds to check this.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/04/2023 20:13

Katrinawaves · 05/04/2023 19:36

That’s not what we are talking about here. The expectation of the grandparents was that OP should get up and offer her seat to the child. Begging the question why, if the child could not share the seat with the grandparent as they were doing, the grandparent didn’t stand and let the child sit in their seat. If the children were 4 or 5, the grandparents are likely to have been well under 60 year of age so by no means elderly or infirm!

Show quote history

How have you deduced that there was an expectation for the OP to get up when absolutely nothing that they said indicated that?

GPs in their 50s way more unusual than older I’d have thought!

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 05/04/2023 20:15

On most trains there are big signs saying that priority seats must be given up to people with young children so if the seat you took was a priority seat then that might explain why they were unhappy that you didn’t offer

The OP has said it was one of the tip-up seats.

Goldbar · 05/04/2023 20:15

I use public transport regularly with my 5yo. I would always pull them onto my lap if an adult needed a seat (although they're slightly big for that now and arms and legs everywhere!). If someone came onto the bus/train who looked like they needed the seat more than us, I would expect my DC to give up their seat but would offer DC the option of sitting cross-legged on the floor if too tired/unstable to stand. Even if it is standing room only, there is usually enough space for a small child to sit on the floor in a corner, which is something adults can't really do. My DC has done this fairly often.

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:16

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 05/04/2023 20:15

On most trains there are big signs saying that priority seats must be given up to people with young children so if the seat you took was a priority seat then that might explain why they were unhappy that you didn’t offer

The OP has said it was one of the tip-up seats.

They're normally the priority seats, aren't they?

dudsville · 05/04/2023 20:17

If I'm commuting for work then I won't sit in seats reserved for those in need, and once I'm in my seat that's pretty much it for me. I understand others may also be doing necessary things, but we all want seats.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 05/04/2023 20:17

Mariposista · 05/04/2023 19:57

I would only ever give up a seat for a child if they were on crutches or otherwise disabled.

Other time might be if Mum had a baby in her arms and an older but still little enough to struggle to balance child.

Kanaloa · 05/04/2023 20:17

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 05/04/2023 20:09

Kids are either small enough to sit on a knee or they are big enough to stand. They don't get to take a seat from an adult when there aren't enough seats.

The grandfather was very rude, you could have been less able to stand.

What do you mean she could have been less able to stand? She didn’t stand, and was not asked to stand. She sat in a seat until she left the train. At no time did any child ‘get to take a seat’ from her. Other passengers offered the small children seats. OP did not. Nobody expected or demanded a seat from her.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 05/04/2023 20:18

GoodChat · 05/04/2023 20:16

They're normally the priority seats, aren't they?

Show quote history

Possibly depends on the train operator - they aren't on our local ones. They're very narrow seats so not ideal as priority seating.

Tellmethespoiler · 05/04/2023 20:33

I would expect all small children to be on their parent’s laps. Otherwise, they are old enough to stand. I live in London and brought my DC up here, regularly using buses and tubes. No way would my DC be allowed to occupy a seat if adults were standing. They could sit on my lap or stand. Or possibly they could share a seat together while I stood.

Pringleface · 05/04/2023 20:38

I used to commute every day and in my book, small children sit on laps. Older children stand unless they have a disability. Adults don’t give up seats except for the above.

A lot of entitled parents get on the tube in rush hour and get stroppy because everyone doesn’t immediately jump up to offer them seats.

mycoffeecup · 05/04/2023 20:39

People offer my kids their seats all the time (10 and 12) - I always refuse on their behalf. No reason why an adult should give way for a healthy ambulatory child.

Okunevo · 05/04/2023 20:41

I would stand for a young child as they can't safely hold on. I do think there's a period when they are uncomfortable to have on your lap but not old enough to stand. From three I would have put DS in a seat and stood next to him. Though, that's my choice, I wouldn't have expected a seat myself.

We're the grandparents so elderly that they couldn't comfortably stand for long periods?

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 20:42

@Katrinawaves If the children were 4 or 5, the grandparents are likely to have been well under 60 year of age so by no means elderly or infirm!
Well under seems a stretch.
If the grandparent had this particular child at 25, and the grandchildren were born when the parent was 30 then the grandparents would be over 61.
I’ve no idea what you think is common for the GP to be “well under 60”. That would actually be less likely.

Katrinawaves · 05/04/2023 20:45

Google tells me the average age of a first time grandparent is 50. Its unlikely though of course not impossible that both the grandparents and the parents had their children at 40+ as some have suggested.

Hbh17 · 05/04/2023 20:48

Children stand - adults don't give up their seats for them. Just the same as when we were kids, and my parents always expected me to stand on the bus or train, so that adults could sit.

BooksAndHooks · 05/04/2023 20:52

Stepuptowardsinfinity · 05/04/2023 19:11

Adults should never give up their seat for a child, unless it is a parent carrying a baby or toddler. It sends the wrong message to kids and they are perfectly capable of standing, much more than many adults who have had a long hard day at work.

Children cannot balance well on a moving train especially stops and starts, they can’t reach the overhead supports. It’s much safer for children to be seated.

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