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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU? Train give up seat for a child situation

369 replies

FriendsObsessed · 05/04/2023 19:09

So I was on the way home today. Busy train, full of commuters.
i managed to get a seat, one of those 3 that are on the side of the carriage and can be flipped up if needed.

An older couple got on with their (I assume) grandchildren.
The women next to me offered her seat to one of the kids. The grandfather came back saying at yes if they could sit together that would be lovely (keeping eye contact with the woman). She was like ‘I can only offer you my seat’. I didn’t move… he sat down with the child on his lap.

someone else got up and offered the seat to the other child. Same thing happened the grandmother sat down with the other child on her knees (kind of)

i tried to just chill (as I always do on the train) but I kept feeling very uncomfortable and sensed a bit of a death stare. The kids were pretty annoying, and weren’t told to just sit and keep kicking other people’s bags, seats and stop complaining. When I got off the train I could hear the grandfather saying, now you sit here finally.

I’m just so annoyed at folks travelling on train with kids expecting that others should move/give up seats for them. AIBU?

ps the children were approx 4 and 6 yo

OP posts:
Albiboba · 06/04/2023 16:20

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 06/04/2023 13:31

I’ve seen adults get out sticker books and other books and iPads/phones with volumes on high, no headphones for children they’re with on a packed commuter train where the journey is 30 minutes to an hour tops. Before you say anything most of the adults were quietly on their phones or reading books/newspapers.

Why can’t the kids have a conversation with their adults, other commuters if they’re up to it, look out of the window, I spy etc? Why books and activities for every journey?

Show quote history

How is I spy more acceptable than a sticker book?
And talk to the commuters? No doubt OP would have had a fit if the kids tried to talk to her and disturb her peace and quiet. You clearly missed the 20 page long thread over a 4 year old talking to the person at the next table in a cafe and how awful the mum was for allowing it.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 06/04/2023 16:22

Stepuptowardsinfinity · 05/04/2023 19:11

Adults should never give up their seat for a child, unless it is a parent carrying a baby or toddler. It sends the wrong message to kids and they are perfectly capable of standing, much more than many adults who have had a long hard day at work.

Never? In absolutely no circumstances? And every child is perfectly capable of standing? That's quite a generalisation you're making.

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 16:24

ButterCrackers · 06/04/2023 14:38

Basic respect and politeness. My kids are older but they stood up and still stand up for adults in need - elderly, lots of shopping, look in need. They just offer their seat. It’s not always been taken but it’s good to offer. I really need to sit down as well. I think it’s teens thinking of their mums/grans/older carers and standing up.

Show quote history

But that’s not what the thread is about. Anyone should give their seat to someone less able, teen or not.
The people on this thread are arguing that a 4 year old should also give their seat to a perfectly healthy and able 35 year old.

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 16:26

@Stepuptowardsinfinity It sends the wrong message to kids and they are perfectly capable of standing, much more than many adults who have had a long hard day at work.

A long hard day sitting on their ass looking at a computer for the most part.
There is no reason an 11 year old needs to get up and give their seat to a perfectly able 45 year old. It’s just the 45 year old wanting to go on some dick swinging power trip.
Which is ironic because I don’t think a single healthy 45 year old man would take the seat from a child but so many women seem to expect it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/04/2023 16:32

Cam22 · 06/04/2023 13:59

Anyway, they should not be travelling at peak times when adult commuters are using the service. I’d have thought the mummies would know that.

Schools actively encourage the use of public transport in London. So there are plenty of children travelling during rush hour.

I give up my seat for small children during rush hour because the risk of them getting pushed on a crowded train is high. People getting on think there is a gap rather than a child so push forward to fill the “space”. Also they aren’t tall enough to reach the overhead bars/handles to hold on.

Devoutspoken · 06/04/2023 16:37

Steptowardsinfinity, not all adults have had a long hard day at work, I'm happy to give up my seat, and plenty of adults sit down all day at work

Swiftbushome · 06/04/2023 16:44

It's ridiculous to expect children to always give up their seat for an adult. Why are adults more important? Why should they expect to be treated with reverence just because they are older? It reminds me very much of attitudes men used to have to women. A woman should know her place and make sure she has her makeup on and the dinner on the table when the important MAN returns home, has apparently morphed into children should know their place and stand up for the important adults. None of it actually makes sense. Children need to learn empathy. And that it's good to give up their seat to someone who needs it more. Adults should be leading by example not just expecting it because they are so clever they've made it to age 40 or whatever.

goldfinchfan · 06/04/2023 16:50

I grew up in London and learnt to balance while standing on trains ans buses.
My DD managed fine also on trains ans buses.
Now thw real issue is that children are pampered and do not learn to balance on moving trains and buses,

Todays kids are so much weaker than their parents or grandparents were.
Modern parents are breeding weak little people without any resilience.

Swiftbushome · 06/04/2023 16:55

But things weren't better in the old days! Do you think kids are pampered because we don't all drive around with 7 of them on the backseat without seatbelts or car seats while mum smokes in the front with all the windows closed? Because that's how things were in the 80s. I'm glad we have moved on and made life safer for kids these days.

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 17:02

’the modern parents as so shit but not me! My precious child is an angel’ is just the Middle aged version of the ‘im not like other girls’ bullshit.

Albiboba · 06/04/2023 17:03

Swiftbushome · 06/04/2023 16:55

But things weren't better in the old days! Do you think kids are pampered because we don't all drive around with 7 of them on the backseat without seatbelts or car seats while mum smokes in the front with all the windows closed? Because that's how things were in the 80s. I'm glad we have moved on and made life safer for kids these days.

Bloody pampered brats! Expecting a seat belt in a car? Probably aren’t out there earning a living up the chimneys like we were. Total free loaders if you ask me.

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 17:08

goldfinchfan · 06/04/2023 16:50

I grew up in London and learnt to balance while standing on trains ans buses.
My DD managed fine also on trains ans buses.
Now thw real issue is that children are pampered and do not learn to balance on moving trains and buses,

Todays kids are so much weaker than their parents or grandparents were.
Modern parents are breeding weak little people without any resilience.

Ooooh you're hard.

Cam22 · 06/04/2023 17:12

They’re snowflakes. Unimpressive, frankly.

3WildOnes · 06/04/2023 17:30

Cam22 · 06/04/2023 13:59

Anyway, they should not be travelling at peak times when adult commuters are using the service. I’d have thought the mummies would know that.

What?! I often travel at rush hour with my children.

GoodChat · 06/04/2023 17:36

Cam22 · 06/04/2023 17:12

They’re snowflakes. Unimpressive, frankly.

I think complaining because someone inferred you should you should give up your seat is a bit snowflake-like, personally.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 06/04/2023 17:43

goldfinchfan · 06/04/2023 16:50

I grew up in London and learnt to balance while standing on trains ans buses.
My DD managed fine also on trains ans buses.
Now thw real issue is that children are pampered and do not learn to balance on moving trains and buses,

Todays kids are so much weaker than their parents or grandparents were.
Modern parents are breeding weak little people without any resilience.

Well the adults can't possibly be that hard if their ego and life is ruined by a 4 yo sitting down.

Kanaloa · 06/04/2023 20:50

Cam22 · 06/04/2023 17:12

They’re snowflakes. Unimpressive, frankly.

And op, who has felt the need to start an entire thread about how she was ‘made uncomfortable’ by someone saying and doing nothing to her is what? A warrior?

LuvSmallDogs · 06/04/2023 20:58

I wouldn't expect a child to move for me, and I wouldn't give up my seat for a small child who has a lap to sit in! If I'm having a bad chemo side effects day and have got a seat, I do decide not to see any standing elderly people.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 06/04/2023 21:15

goldfinchfan · 06/04/2023 16:50

I grew up in London and learnt to balance while standing on trains ans buses.
My DD managed fine also on trains ans buses.
Now thw real issue is that children are pampered and do not learn to balance on moving trains and buses,

Todays kids are so much weaker than their parents or grandparents were.
Modern parents are breeding weak little people without any resilience.

I actually find kids are nicer these days than they used to be. More aware of environmental damage, more aware of general health, more aware of other people and vulnerable people, more likely to stand up to bullies for others and on their own behalf.

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 04:38

limitedperiodonly · 06/04/2023 15:15

Thank goodness ideas about appropriate treatment of children have moved on from that time, see also: safeguarding them properly, not hitting them, not chucking them out of the house all day unattended, implementing the age of consent, etc.

@Oneiros Exactly. I went on a school trip to the Tower of London on the Tube when I was about eight.

My mum made me a packed lunch and dropped me off at the local station where we were all due to meet.

She said loudly: "Have a lovely day, Limited, and behave nicely for the teachers. Remember, Mummy and Daddy have paid for your ticket, so get a seat and sit there like a good girl until you have to get off the train. Don't waste any money in the gift shop. Tell me all about it tonight."

It was the tail end of rush hour and I was the only child my teachers did not tell to give up her seat one by one for the commuters who got on after us. I remained sitting and so did my teachers.

My mum's speech was not just for my benefit. She was marking my teachers' cards. It's not just the principle that a child should not automatically defer to an adult (and my teachers didn't give up their seats) it's a safety thing. If every child on the school trip is sitting together, there is no danger of them getting lost when the time comes to get off.

The "tell me all about it tonight" was a particularly elegant threat. And before anyone runs away with the idea that my parents were namby-pambies who had no respect for the older generation, I was a late baby born in their 40s which was very unusual at the time. I can only think of one boy whose mum was the same age as mine.

My mum would have been 100 this year and my dad 105. They were both very good at standing up for their rights and teaching their three children how to do it too.

Your mum sounds absolutely fantastic!!

MysteryBelle · 07/04/2023 05:06

Two grandparents with their 4 and 6 year old grandchildren.

Badly done, Op.

fUNNYfACE36 · 07/04/2023 05:48

Really 4 and 6 year olds should have good strength to weight ratio and good balance.if they haven't maybe you should think about making sure they get more exercise.Gymnastics perhaps?

Riapia · 07/04/2023 07:45

Really, it’s up to parents to teach their children to politely ask someone, “will you please stand I wish to sit down.”
No possibility of any offence being taken by anyone.
😁😁

Okunevo · 07/04/2023 09:25

fUNNYfACE36 · 07/04/2023 05:48

Really 4 and 6 year olds should have good strength to weight ratio and good balance.if they haven't maybe you should think about making sure they get more exercise.Gymnastics perhaps?

Swinging from the overhead handholds they can't reach would be good exercise

Oneiros · 07/04/2023 09:43

Yes @Okunevo , they should use them as monkeybars and improve their upper body strength, the lazy little blighters.

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