To not want my MIL in my bedroom

[OMalleytheAlleyyCat]

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

Why is your baby sleeping during the day so much at 8 months?

He ought to be downstairs playing with his toys.
My DD was actually walking at 8 months.

If you are allowing him to sleep so much during the day maybe that's why he's awake at night and wanting feeds or attention.

I don't understand why he's in a cot when she is there.
Can't she come when he's up and crawling or whatever stage he's at?

She has him between his nap times while he's bouncing with energy and everything she could possibly need (clothes, nappies etc) are available elsewhere. So she really doesn't have much cause to spend most of her time in the nursery/my bedroom.

So why are you posting to say she is the bedroom and in the bed?

Makes no sense.

You said he woke up and she was first face he saw.

You keep saying different things.

I feel it’s a bit odd to not want a family member in a room of your house. Would your DP care if your Mum went in your room?

Why is it your shared room with your baby? What an odd set up. YABU. Perfectly acceptable for the person providing childcare in your home to go into the babies nursery to get things for them.

I am pretty sure it is OP's bedroom, even if temporary one. She is an adult in her home, and she thinks about the room as that.
We don't have to see sense in it, we (including MIL) have to respect it. And it isn't about knickers on the floor, it is about sense of home, sense of privacy. Sense of her bed being actually her's.

They haven't fully established nursery room yet (the intended one), as the child in this age doesn't care and can sleep in their mother's room just fine. They have living room adjusted as the main day area for the child, so there is a space to be in.

I'd say establish another place for the stuff your MIL needs to use and tell her "now it is available here, so you don't need to pick it up in my bedroom anymore".

Or maybe put one of those room dividers in there as well, for when she's here?

It seems like a lot of effort, but I think physical demarcation/symbols are a good solution. Otherwise, your MIL - like myself and almost every PP - won't be able to get her head around "the baby's room is now actually my adult bedroom". I'm all for full privacy and boundaries, but currently it all does sound a bit teenagery to me.

Why the heck are you calling it a nursery?
That sounds so pretentious unless you live in some mansion.

It's the spare room (you said) that you have put your baby's cot in.

If you don't want her going in that room, arrange her visits so your son is up and not in the room sleeping.

Going to repeat what I said before which is you might want to ask your HV for advice and support. A baby of 8 months should be sleeping most of the night and not need a) settling at 3am or b) you needing to sleep in their room to attend to them.

I almost had a breakdown after 6 months of mine, feeding them at night and being woken up during the night. I was exhausted. I'd certainly not have gone on to 8 months. You need to try to sort out his sleeping pattern so you and your H can sleep in the same room.

You seemed to change the narrative of “she needs to respect my room“ to “she’s a smoker and I cosleep there” quickly. If she’s a smoker why are you not concerned about that around your child full stop? 3rd hand smoke doesn’t just affect sids and sleep.

If she has everything she needs in another room a very simple solution would be to lock the door. But that wouldn’t let you bitch about her online I suppose.

Why can’t you “run errands” with your child? Stop using her as a free babysitter if you dislike how she is.

So bizarre!

I get it op, I also understand this incident was just a straw. I know she didn't lie in your bed this time but why the fuck has she done previously? What's she doing with the baby when she does that since he's wide awake.

Going into a marital master bedroom is one thing - going into a baby’s nursery that happens to have a bed in it, is another.

As a GM who’s done a lot of grandchild care, I have to say that if I were your MiL I’d be telling you to arrange other childcare in future - and pay for it.

I'm in awe at all the people who don't have any laundry on their bedroom floor. Congrats guys, really.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

One the one hand you say this room is the 'nursery'.

On the other you say it's your bedroom that is also the nursery.

You need to make your mind up which is really is.

Time to ask for advice on getting your baby to sleep through the night then you can get back to the master with your husband.

The period stained sheets and knickers everywhere doesn't make sense to me.

Your baby is 8 months. Not a newborn. You've definitely got time to pick up your knickers or just not throw them over your shoulder in the first place...
Re the sheets. Again, by 8 months how haven't you found a moment to strip the bed? Presumably you're going to as you cosleep in there with DS.

Haha, yes! We do actually call the 3 beds "the master, the nursery, the study" ironically as if it were a mansion. Following my move to the spare room, it was easier to give them these names to differentiate them - exactly because there is little difference now between the master and nursery.

I would say to DH "Can you fetch that thing, it's in my room, I mean our room, I mean mine and DS's room" - just easier to call it the nursery.

Kindly, OP, you are avoiding answering why you need to pick your baby of 8 months up at night.

If they can't sleep with a feed or comforting, you need to ask for advice.

To everyone saying my 8 month old should be sleeping through the night by now I say "Lol ok, I'll let him know"

It's pretty easy you know to buy a thing called a laundry basket, whip your knicks off and plonk them in it rather than dropping them on the floor and leaving them there all day even when visitors come.

People keep these amazing things in their bedrooms (or maybe the bathroom.)

Maybe instead of being sarcastic and 'clever' you could listen to those of us who have been there and got that T shirt and are trying to help.

You sound as if you are struggling.

You're on ADs, you can't organise you own dirty laundry, your baby is feeding or waking at night, so much so that you have moved into another bedroom with him.

Your problems sound much deeper than having your MIL coming into the room and finding your grubby pants on the floor.

Maybe start engaging with the real issues?

Surely your bedroom is still the main one your husband sleeps in?
My husband actually sleeps in the spare room (has significant sleep issues and can't tolerate any noise or disturbance like me breathing!) but we still spend late evenings and early mornings together in our room, chatting/watching tv/ eating breakfast.
Alll his clothes and belongings are in our room and it's where he dresses/sits in bed reading or listening to music or whatever.
Maybe that's why your mil doesn't get it.

Erm why? You're supposed to sleep in the same room as the baby at least until 6 months. Also what's the point of two people being woken up by the baby. After about week 3, I had a bed in the babies room until 8 months and it was great at least one person had a proper sleep

If you picked your dirty knickers up off the floor and put them in the laundry basket and put your sex toys in the wardrobe or drawer (or even in the other room), would there be any reason why MIL would still be banned from your bedroom/nursery?

I thought that, really strange if I saw a made up bed in a nursery I'd assume it's a guest bed or if baby is having a bad night not anyone's bedroom.

You're supposed to sleep in the same room as the baby at least until 6 months.

Supposed to?

Who says?

How did parents manage before these 'rules' were made?

My DCs are in their 30s now.

They were moved into a cot in their own room at around 4 months.

Night feeds stopped at 6 months.

They were not hungry. They wanted comforting, It was learned behaviour. After a few nights of leaving them to cry, they stopped.

So come on what's the real I hate my MIL story?

Also in awe of people who have space in their laundry basket 😂I do at least a load a day, we have two baskets and they're both overflowing at all times.