To not want my MIL in my bedroom

[OMalleytheAlleyyCat]

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

If my son told me to leave the room because I was looking at my DGC who I’m also there to look after, I’d have words to say to him !! You both sound so uptight!

Think I'd be telling you where to shove it if I were your MIL. The whole musical bedrooms set up is a bit strange as well.

You need to unclench op. Poor mil

I would NEVER go into anyone's bedroom without permission. Even with permission I would not linger.

However, this set-up sounds strange to me. It is exactly what my father did just after retiring, as he grew weirder and more unreasonable. He went around "claiming" rooms all over the house, including a part of the living room, and leaving his various bed stuff (blankets etc) in them so no one was "allowed" into any of his "personal space"! It was very Gollum-like with the whole "MYYY bedroom" thing.

I know you've changed rooms for functional reasons, not because you're a strange regressing man. But I think most people's instincts would be to regard you as having a main bedroom and a temporary living space, rather than you having 2 bedrooms.

I find it strange, but it's your house, so your choice. However, it doesn't hurt to be kinder and a bit more explicit in explaining that to your MIL, and letting her get her head around it slowly. It seems unkind to not let the baby's carer into the baby's space (nursery) and also not allow her to sit down in it even briefly.

Also, your irritation at her getting your sleeping baby is not on. It's a bit "The Help" vibes that she's not allowed to touch or go near baby until her official "shift" starts.

Babies cry. I'm sure your baby cries when you wake it up sometimes too. The baby might not have been crying because of her monstrous face looming over it, as you suggest!

Anyway, if they are to develop a real relationship, and if she's caring for your baby so regularly, it doesn't hurt for baby to get used to their grandma waking them up? It's their grandma, not a stranger off the street.

Does she get into your bed? Actually under the duvet? If so I wouldn’t like that and would ask her not to and to lie on top of it instead.

Other than that, I think you are talking about her in a sort of patronising and not very kind way - she is your baby’s grandmother, not a stranger - and she also doesn’t owe you childcare.

If my ds told me to leave a room in this way I would be mortified and probably not come back at all to do any childcare, or I would do it at my house instead.

Wow absolutely.
@OMalleytheAlleyyCat YOU will likely one day have a daughter in law..
And YOU could beca detested MIL.
seems far off now- but it happens.

Sleeping apart after a baby is probably not wise.

You are being very unreasonable and hard work. I don’t want to miss the point if the list but I also find it very, very odd that you keep your vibrator in the nursery when you and DH have another bedroom 🫣

She doesn’t see it as your bedroom as it’s not. It’s a babies nursery, a baby she’s taking care of. Ask someone else to look after her if you’re not happy with her. Seems a bit of an odd thing to be annoyed over when she’s doing you a favour

But you're OK with her looking after the baby?
I have to agree I think you're being unfair.
Is there a chair in the room she can sit in if sitting on the bed is an offence?
Her coming around now to give you some time is a massive benefit, and I wouldn't make issue with it. When he's older and you and your DH want to go out for a date night, will it be her you're asking to babysit?

I guess different strokes for different folks... But I find it an odd visual as well, regularly getting yourself off next to your slumbering baby, while apparently there to co-sleep.

I'm not saying this to sex shame or anything, but to say that the grandmother's mind probably doesn't jump to "intimate private space" when she thinks of the bed in the nursery. She probably thinks of it as a functional co-sleeping thing, without the usual sexual/personal connotations a bedroom has.

@glowyhighway I agree!

@OMalleytheAlleyyCat : I imagine granny just sees it as the room the baby sleeps in with a convenient bed for whoever is on 'baby duty.' I really doubt she's mulling over her son giving you a good seeing to across the bed, or you panting away with big pinkie!!

You sound very buttoned up about it all. If you want someone to look after your child every week while you run errands, either let them go into your baby's room, or pay a child minder/ nanny where you can have a professional relationship, where you pay them and set out the terms.

If your MIL is literally getting under duvet for a kip then yes that's weird, but why the fuck would you be letting someone look after your precious kid if they're going for a snooze?! If on the other hand, she's just sitting on the bed while your son is in his cot, then stop being so bloody uptight! If she's good enough to look after your child, then let her do it, stop watching over her!
Frankly you sound like you may be better off paying for proper childcare. It's what we did and believe me, if I was paying a babysitter I'd be off out using my time productively, not stressing over whether they'd gone into the kid's room..

I would do what we did when DS was a baby - get a second cot from IKEA and put it in the living room so he could nap there.

I’m exactly like you OP, my bedroom is my private domain and I wouldn’t want MIL there. Our babysitter lets toddler DS go upstairs and she allowed him to go into my bedroom, she obviously followed him there and I found out because I saw some things had been moved. I tell her ever since when she comes over that I don’t allow anyone in my bedroom when I’m not there. I feel she absolutely has no business going there and neither does your MIL constantly going into yours. My mother has a cleaning lady coming over and let’s her do the whole house except her bedroom which she cleans herself as she doesn’t want a stranger in there. It’s definitely not abnormal to feel protective of your privacy there.

It sounds to me that you are being unreasonable. She’s there to help and is helping - my mother and my MIL would probably assume the same (even while being completely different personalities!). I don’t mean or want to be rude but you are sounding a little difficult. Like has been said, you are sleeping in the nursery, it’s not really your bedroom, that’s how your MIL will see it too I expect

Your mil probably feels on edge when she's at yours. Poor woman can't do anything right.

Unfortunately as it’s the child’s bedroom as well yabu. I can’t stand my mil (she’s not a good person) but then I don’t allow her to do any childcare for this reason. I wouldn’t want her in my house, or having influence on my child.

You’ll either have to end the child care arrangement or be okay with her using the child’s bedroom.

I also think if you're not already doing that, practically speaking you could display loads of personal stuff (that isn't vibrators!), dress the room up, so it's obvious it's your actual bedroom, not a makeshift night station with a few knick knacks shoved in?

On second thoughts @LaBellina ‘s advice would be an elegant solution. Cot in the living room and have laid out everything she would need to look after your baby so need to access the baby’s room. But, if you feel passionately that you don’t want her in your space, do you even want her looking after your child?

I think you’re being a bit precious OP 🙄

I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

But you (and your husband) are acting like a teenager! Your MIL is helping you and you are telling her that she isn't allowed in the nursery (your choice to sleep in there doesn't change that fact), she has to be "respectful", and both of you are annoyed and telling her to leave. In her shoes, I know where I would be telling you to shove getting free childcare.

You should try being more "respectful" of someone who is doing you a kindness.

(Waits for thread in a year from now complaining that MIL won't do free childcare)

My DCs were poor sleepers as babies but they were sleeping through the night by 8 months. I stopped night feeds at 6 months. It took them a while to settle, but it had to be done.

With respect, you need to sort out your baby's sleep. They don't need night feeds or attention at night at 8 months.

It sounds as if you are struggling a bit as you are taking antidepressants, and you ought to be grateful your MIL is coming over to help out.

Sorry but you also need to sort out your housekeeping. Soiled knickers lying around and dirty sheets are not great, are they?

(Buy some period pants that are brilliant at stopping leaks, especially if you wear them over normal pants at night.)

”Respectful of my bedroom”, LOL. Are you worried she’ll read your diary and damage your Justin Bieber poster?

You are being massively unreasonable, and I can’t believe your husband threw her out of the house. You clearly dislike the woman.

Is your own Mum still in the picture? Would she be allowed in your room?

YABU. None of the details matter much about what items are where. You have asked your MIL to come round to provide childcare at a time when your eight month old is napping in the nursery. So she went in the nursery. There is nothing wrong with this. Get over yourself.

oh and PS, one child who is now eight months old is not a lot. You shouldn’t have soiled sheets or underwear on the floor.

You’d have conniptions in our family. When we go to stay with the PIL, they move out of their bedroom to a smaller spare from so we (me, DH and DS) can sleep in there for the entire stay.