To not want my MIL in my bedroom

[OMalleytheAlleyyCat]

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

@glowyhighway I think the OP has done herself no favours by replying to most posters with sarcy answers.

Now we know her husband is at a home all day and it's his mother who's coming round, maybe he is the one to tell her keep out of his wife's bedroom.

She's clearly not aware that the bedroom is not simply the baby's room.

Wow, amazed at all the unsolicited parenting advice you're getting here. People now talking about SIDS really, like not wanting your MIL in your bed makes you an irresponsible parents who needs psychiatric help. OP, I get it, just because someone is family doesn't mean they get access to every part of your home. Even if providing child care. I would never dream of napping in my DP's mothers bed or any bed I didn't need to be in. It doesn't matter if it's your master bedroom or not - boundaries and privacy are important, and it's still YOUR baby and your house at the end of the day. Just ask her politely, she doesn't seem malicious just overexcited as you say.

Also you're right, the needing the baby in their own room is a western concept and in other cultures children sleep with their parents and turn out just fine. A personal preference on parenting styles and rude of people to lecture you otherwise.

@OMalleytheAlleyyCat Ok, back to your point.
We'll ignore all the other stuff.

This is your MIL.
Your H works from home all day.
So why can't he enforce boundaries?

One of you needs to make it clear that this is not a nursery. It's a room where your baby sleeps but it's your bedroom too.

So, you don't want her going in there.

If your baby is awake and playing with his toys and granny in another room, she won't have any need.

So one of you has to man, or woman-up, and tell her.

Simple.

@MakingitOver oh come on now, you've been going at her irrelevantly (including calling her pretentious for using a common word, weaponising the fact that she's on anti depressants, questioning her laundry habits, advising her about period pants, demanding to know what culture she's from) for quite a few pages now, did you expect her to bow and scrape in reply to you?

😂

But it's such an odd set up, did she actually understand you don't use the main room anymore and your private things are in the nursery ...to be honest if your inviting her in to do childcare any rooms used for baby would be normal to access and sitting on a bed or laying with baby is what you've started as baby's settling so nobody else can do differently or baby won't settle if you don't want others to be able to soothe baby don't ask for help or either put up with it or just let baby lay in their own cot and settle themselves you can't have any childcare that you actively prevent settling for ....or is that what is behind this only you can settle baby hence the room away from dad?

@glowyhighway You can choose to use those words if you like, such as 'weaponising' but that's your own biased opinion. I was trying to look beyond the original question simply as the OP seemed to be struggling on so many fronts (unwashed laundry, baby not sleeping, she'd moved out of the bedroom into another, MIL being a PITA). She's made it clear that she isn't, and is actually fine with all of this, so fair enough, I'll bow out now.

Oh do just give over, it's quite clear with your numerous interrogations and patronising comments that you were simply here to get your claws out.

You made a judgement that OP's baby was getting too much day sleep, when she never mentioned how much day sleep her baby gets. Naps are healthy and completely normal until 3 even 4 years old. You also based a judgement in comparison to your child who walked at 8 months. How is that remotely relevant? Why do you see your child as the benchmark for normality? Then posted advice from the APA on when baby should be sleeping in own room, and patronisingly told another poster to 'do their research.'

Why don't you reflect on what your comments on here reveal about you?
Why are you so invested in a complete stranger's life?
Is there something lacking in your own life?
Why do you feel it's appropriate to judge other people's babies by comparing them to your child? Are you aware that babies reach different milestones at different times?
Perhaps the biggest question is why do you get such pleasure out of tearing others down?

Yeah I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think it just comes down to communication. Last time DH probably just said to her "please don't get into the bed, OP sleeps there", whereas I need to clear up with her the confusion which people have expressed on here, essentially that the room is not a nursery with a bed in it, it's my bedroom with a cot in it. It's an extension of the master bedroom.

I have reflected and I did over react. I'm a very private person but she wasn't to know how I felt about it. I do think I'm entitled to keep my bedroom private but it needs to be communicated better that that's what it is. And yes, I am eternally grateful for her help. One person said they'd be happy for MIL to jump on their bed all day for free childcare and I felt that!

She is going to start taking DS for longer stretches and when she does I'll ferry him to hers. He'll no doubt start his own sleep associations there and she can start doing naps in her own space.

I'm not talking about the NHS. And I wouldn't just go on the latest research (yet, anyway) as my friends baby died from SIDs so I wouldn't want to risk that. My response was actually to the comment about OP not sleeping in the same room as her husband and how that was weird, which you seemed to have missed and gone off on a total tangent. Hth.
The more I read of the updates though, I am wondering if this whole thing is even real as it all sounds so absurd.

Your reaction sounds very over the top what’s she’s supposed to do when you sleep in the same room! My mum often goes into my bedroom to use my full length mirror I really don’t see the problem? Not like I’ve got vibrators on my pillow.

I find the whole "your 8 month old isn't sleeping through the night and your laundry basket is full, you life is in TATTERS, seek HELP" ott - I'm fine, just want my MIL out my bed.

In full agreement, I'm sure you're doing a grand job. Loads of knickers in a twist on this thread!

i be would assume you slept in master bedroom. Can’t really see what you are complaining about as she is watching her grandchild. Don’t think I would feel comfortable with you being in house . You sound a bit of a spoiled mummy

Why is the baby’s cot not in the master bedroom? Why have you moved out? Would you be this mean if it was your mum?

forget the bedroom/nursery ting she sholdnt really be handling the baby a a smoker it will be all in her clothes skin everywhere

You say your MIL "shouldn't" have any need to go into your room/the nursery, at least very often, but clearly she is - what is she actually doing in there? That surely is essential information to help work out a solution to allow you feel your personal space is respected. Surely she doesn't just wander in there and get into your bed and go to sleep? What does she go in there to do?

I completely agree with you OP, my MIL lies on my bed sometimes when looking after my 2 year old who, shock horror, sleeps in my room! I do this as I am like to be a responsive parent and respond to my child's needs when they need me. I will never let her cry it out alone. Did the same with my older 2 and they're now independent sleepers and sleep perfectly well.

Parents do things differently. Some people need to remember that and give up on the judgement and sarcasm.

OP, you’re not the only one with knickers on the floor and period stained sheets 🤣 perfectly normal and I also wouldn’t want my mother in law seeing it (and not ashamed to admit I wouldn’t care if my mum saw it).

It might be easier all round if you ask MIL not to go upstairs. It makes boundaries clear for her and it sounds like everything she could need is downstairs.

And I don’t see anything unusual in an 8 month old not sleeping through. My little boy didn’t until he was 3. My sister has 4 children who have ranged in sleeping through from 8 weeks to 3 years.

I hadn’t seen your post about your laundry lying about in the nursery. That explains you not wanting mil in there, ah I get it now! I was thinking you couldn’t stand your mil 😂

If it were me, I’d explain to mil that right now I am sleeping in the nursery and my clothes might be lying about, and I would feel self conscious if anyone went into that room for the time being. I’m sure she’ll understand that. Life with a young baby can be quite chaotic and you deserve lots of extra consideration from everyone at this juncture of your life. Enjoy your babe doll. It’s a magical time!

A solution could be to have a little area in the living room with toys, blanket, extra diapers so mil will have everything she needs and won’t need to go into the nursery. Even a pack and play (that’s what we call it in the USA) or basinet, something safe for baby to nap in, no reason then for mil to bombard the nursery 😀

The so called sleep training isn't the only possible way and "training" the baby by letting it cry and cry sounds barbaric.

Seems there are so many research pieces produced, that each nation can pick one which confirms local habits.

Why exactly are you sleeping in the nursery? Why is your baby not in a next-to-me or in a nest? If you could explain this we might be able to understand the situation better.

That's not what sleeptraining is. Well maybe 20 tears ago, CIO where you just leave the baby to cry. The methods I've seen are nothing like this.

She's your MIL not your servant. You should be thankful she wants to look after him!

So in your defence, anyone climbing under the covers in a bed in my house in the middle of the day would seem weird to me!
If she was just perched on the end of the bed as she heard your son wake up then this is fine. She went to check on the baby that she’s looking after. Even if the baby is a little surprised he will be ok. You don’t want to get into the situation where only mummy can do this or that. Much easier to get extra you time if baby is more flexible.
My house is no show home, in fact I often grimace just at the thought of the mess. I don’t think there are any pants on my floor but maybe a discarded onesie. I think I would be embarrassed for MIL to see the mess that is my room so often shut the door when they are over and try to keep the kids rooms respectfully tidy (although my 3 year old fights hard against this 🤣).
I think it probably boils down to you just being a bit embarrassed by the mess in the room. I totally get this, but you are probably overreacting. Think to yourself ‘she went to check on DS’ she really didn’t go to shame your sheets.