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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL in my bedroom

298 replies

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 16:52

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

OP posts:
Forgooodnesssakenow · 07/04/2023 04:48

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 06/04/2023 08:38

You know, this is a separate issue, but the whole "baby should be sleeping in their own room through the night from 6 months, let them cry it out" stuff is a very western concept. In most countries in the world mother and child share a room/bed through prescool.

It's also very old school. I don't feel I have a problem with his sleeping. That serious enough for you?

Show quote history

Good for you, totally agree, my eldest was a dreadful sleeper for various reasons and you do what you have to do. From 2.5 he's slept happily in hus own room most nights and from 3 is rs more or less every night. The terrible sleep passes even if you shock horror comfort them when upset at night.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 07/04/2023 04:51

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 06/04/2023 09:08

A lot to unpack here. To your first point yes. My post does not say "how can I get DS to sleep in his own room?" but that is now the bulk of advice!

I find the whole "your 8 month old isn't sleeping through the night and your laundry basket is full, you life is in TATTERS, seek HELP" ott - I'm fine, just want my MIL out my bed.

I don't do a laundry basket worth of laundry a day, what I said was I do laundry every day and my basket is still, magically full. This is a new development since the baby.

I am starting to wonder if I should get a third basket lol.

Thanks for the advice but I usually follow national guidance when it comes to safe sleeping rather than being led by the results of one study.

Show quote history

Get the third basket! I got a third basket and popped it on the landing and it's amazing, bath towels, baby clothes taken off at bath time etc get chucked in it and it's much better than hauling clothes and towels round the house to the bedroom baskets

user1492757084 · 07/04/2023 04:58

I look after my grandchild and I need to rest up more than I used to with my own children.
I have to keep him happy; this sometimes means walking through into other rooms or giving them a chance to sleep or getting them a new toy. I have to make my own choices depending on how the baby is reacting with me.

The baby behaves differently with me so what it's parents do doesn't always work. I adore the baby and often it likes to look in the bathroom mirror.
Sometimes we do lie on the floor and read or lie on a bed and read or play outside or go for pram walks, at my discretion. I also like to hang up washing and fold clothes. I don't go into my son and his wife's bedroom but all other rooms I do respectfully go into.
I think you need to have a day sleeping/resting spot for baby and carer with change table and play areas.
Probably the grandmother is so excited and in love with the child that she is still getting to know the routines. Good for her to offer child care though. Be more appreciative of her differences; he legs are older.

Offensiveapprently · 07/04/2023 06:52

So you are upset she goes into the babies bedroom to get things for the baby then puts things that she may need around the house as you have asked her to look sfter the baby. Then you moan that she goes into the room when said baby wakes. You are sleeping in a nursery, she needs to go into it . I'd tell you to sort it yourself then?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2023 07:17

If you don’t want your mil to go into the room, the onus is on you to set the situation up so that it isn’t necessary. However it appears you’re not organised enough atm to make that happen and it sounds as if you’re struggling to cope with a lot of things right now.

If I’m reading this correctly, your intend to continue this sleeping set up for some time so I think there’s a lot in the future to consider. Your ds won’t be a baby for that much longer. It’s lovely to be able to snuggle on a bed and read a book with a small child. Your ds may want to go and play in his room that you happen to be sharing with him. How are you going to handle this then?

I wonder if how you’re feeling is clouding your judgment. It would be useful to stop seeing the nursery as an extension of the master bedroom. It is supposed to be your child’s space for them as they grow, which will happen before you know it.

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/04/2023 07:20

MakingitOver · 06/04/2023 08:40

Your update- so you are from another culture? Are you living in the UK?

How long do you expect to sleep with your son?

I'm in the UK. I don't know anyone whose breastfed baby slept through the night at 8 months. Most of the people i know with 2 year olds are still waking once or twice a night. Suspect it's different for FF babies. Co sleeping with an 8 month old is also entirely normal.

I agree about the laundry though. How much does a baby generate? One extra load a week maybe. Unless reusable nappies but they wouldn't be in a laundry basket

Whatifthegrassisblue · 07/04/2023 07:23

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 06/04/2023 08:38

You know, this is a separate issue, but the whole "baby should be sleeping in their own room through the night from 6 months, let them cry it out" stuff is a very western concept. In most countries in the world mother and child share a room/bed through prescool.

It's also very old school. I don't feel I have a problem with his sleeping. That serious enough for you?

Show quote history

That's totally your call. I slept in the same room as my DC until 8 months, he actually slept much better when I moved out and so did I. I think we were disrupting each other. He started sleeping through soon after that (12hrs, prior to that usually one or sometimes two wakes)

SnackSizeRaisin · 07/04/2023 07:44

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2023 07:17

If you don’t want your mil to go into the room, the onus is on you to set the situation up so that it isn’t necessary. However it appears you’re not organised enough atm to make that happen and it sounds as if you’re struggling to cope with a lot of things right now.

If I’m reading this correctly, your intend to continue this sleeping set up for some time so I think there’s a lot in the future to consider. Your ds won’t be a baby for that much longer. It’s lovely to be able to snuggle on a bed and read a book with a small child. Your ds may want to go and play in his room that you happen to be sharing with him. How are you going to handle this then?

I wonder if how you’re feeling is clouding your judgment. It would be useful to stop seeing the nursery as an extension of the master bedroom. It is supposed to be your child’s space for them as they grow, which will happen before you know it.

Children don't play independently in their rooms until about 3, surely? The op has nearly 2.5 years to work that out.

I do think it's fair for a grandmother with sole charge of an 8 month old to go into the child's room. I'd put personal things elsewhere and it's grim to leave dirty pants on the floor anyway.

Sleeping arrangements are not the issue but living in squalor is. Once your baby is mobile you won't want them crawling round your dirty underwear surely.

HarLace1 · 07/04/2023 08:08

Not the point but why in earth do u sleep in the nursery? You are making a rod for your own back there. Sounds like you don't actually need her there, so just put a stop to it now before everyone falls out with each other.

SaySomethingMan · 07/04/2023 08:23

hope i’m never this desperate to babysit a grandchild to be disrespected this much.
I’m surprised she wants to sleep on the bed too. The room sounds quite gross

sst1234 · 07/04/2023 08:31

What a batshit thread. The only thing jumping out as relevant is that OP needs to wash her bedsheets more often if they have stains on them.

Frazzledmum123 · 07/04/2023 08:51

@OMalleytheAlleyyCat I just wanted to say people judging you are really crappy. The fact you have AD means you are dealing with any issues you may have and i think its totally normal for your life to be 'chaotic' with a small child. My youngest was a sh*t sleeper around 8 months, truly terrible. If we'd have had space in her room I'd have done the same as you and put a bed in there. I also don't agree with cry it out. She is now the best sleeper of all 3 of mine. Goes off in about 5 mins max, without me there and sleeps until I have to wake her for school and has been that way since about 2 years old. You aren't doing anything wrong so ignore all the perfect parent bullshit. Oh and our washing baskets sometimes get to be overflowing where we've had a busy week but as long as your child is clean, fed and happy then I really don't think a pair of pants on the floor indicates you aren't coping!

Manthide · 07/04/2023 10:35

Lcb123 · 05/04/2023 16:59

but that’s the nursery not your bedroom. Wouldn’t bother me, she’s helping out. And surely you want to get out the house whilst she is there, enjoy your break

It wouldn't bother me either because it's basically a spare bed. Presumably the op will go back into the master bedroom once ds is a few months old.

Grammarnut · 07/04/2023 18:41

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 17:10

I think this is why this one is splitting opinion lol! Because the room is actually both mine and DS's. She needs to use it as it is DS's nursery she needs to be respectful that it is also my bedroom.

Show quote history

It's not your room it's the baby's room and there is a bed in there for whoever needs it. Why are you not in your own bedroom? If nothing else it's not good for your marriage to spend all night (every night?) in the baby's room. And if your MIL is there to look after the baby then let her, and bringing things for the baby, toys or whatever, into the rest of the house is entirely reasonable. You are getting free childcare, be nice.

Gilld69 · 07/04/2023 18:57

oh dear I'm glad I'm not your mil if you want free Child care suck it up, and get back in your own bed, why are you sharing a room with the baby don't you share child care with the hubby, poor mum getting it in the neck for looking after baby .

Macaronichee · 07/04/2023 19:18

How kind of her to help you out. If she weren’t there you might have to get out of that bed more often regardless of your child’s naps like the rest of the world.

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 07/04/2023 19:34

Solidarity OP! I have over flowing laundry baskets and dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. We also still sometimes sleep in the bed with our 5 year old if they wake in the night to save us getting up and down.

IAteTheLastOne · 07/04/2023 19:58

IamnotSethRogan · 05/04/2023 16:58

It's not your bedroom it's the babies room that you sleep in.

If you're not happy with the free childcare she's providing, then look elsewhere.

Honestly, you're complaining she got the babies toys from the babies bedroom for the baby to play with.

This! YBU. You can’t complain because it is NOT your bedroom. Your bedroom is the master. You’re simply sleeping there, you can’t be mad that she’s taking toys from there, or that she has to go in there occasionally.

gypsy22 · 07/04/2023 20:24

That will be another mil issue - usually the husbands mother who irritates daughtwr in law and vice verce - it's all about control .. but she doesn't seem to be anything g other than loving and caring and OP is being abit sensitive ( post partum so understandable )

Newgate · 07/04/2023 20:46

Exactly my thoughts.

Uokhon · 07/04/2023 22:05

Yes you ABU. When my baby cried on the baby cam my MIL didn’t even know what room to find her in. Be grateful for the free help.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/04/2023 22:17

why not pay for childcare, then you can dictate exactly what you want?

Sizzer40 · 07/04/2023 23:44

It’s like you’re expecting her to act like ‘staff’ not family.

Kaiserchief · 08/04/2023 07:01

I’d snatch the childcare with both hands! My MIL wouldn’t even look after ours for 5 minutes! If you don’t like it, stop leaving her with the baby.

vickylou78 · 08/04/2023 08:41

Op with all respect I thi K you are being completely over the top. Seriously what harm is it that your Mil is going into the baby's nursery which happens to be where you have a bed at the moment. What do you have in there that is so private? I'm assuming there arent drawers full of sex toys or anything?! And I really dont get why she can't sit on your bed? I slept in a bed in my daughters nursery for a few months when she was six months and I honestly couldn't have cared who went in there. I find this all very odd... But then I don't mind who goes into my master bedroom either!