To not want my MIL in my bedroom

[OMalleytheAlleyyCat]

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

I think you're not being unreasonable. She needs to respect the fact it's your bedroom too.

OP has said that she realises that MIL has to go in there for a muslin or whatever so I'm presuming that includes fresh nappies and changing requisites when necessary, change of clothes if and when necessary etc?
However, lying on OP's bed is a big no no from me! The bed is her own space. I would never lie on anyone's bed without a specific invitation to do so and I'd be annoyed if anyone helped themselves to the use of mine without asking.

My late MiL was greek and she and my FiL used to visit us and our then 2dds on a Saturday every now and again - and basically half an hour after they arrived they'd go for a lie down in the nursery! We were just over an hour's drive from theirs. Even worse she used to bring her own bedding (our bedding was clean) and then left the sweaty stinky bedsheets in my linen cupboard with my clean stuff. For a while I couldn't understand the smell in the cupboard!!

Of course you can be annoyed with grandparents but you hopefully want to maintain a good relationship with them. My late MiL was looking after my 2 eldest aged 4 and 5 and they were watching cartoons. Instead of turning the TV off and telling them they were going to the shops with her she decided to go on her own leaving my dds on their own - in a strange place ( we didn't visit often), in a strange town. Of course once they realised she wasn't there they went out looking for her!! Anyway she never looked after them again on her own but we still let them see their gc.

I go to my dd2's house and the master bedroom is upstairs next to the kitchen and living room. It also has an ensuite and there is no other toilet on that floor so visitors use that. They have to go into the master bedroom which is not the tidiest. I do feel uncomfortable going in there but I'm not judging her mess!

Their bed sheets or yours....either way I get they wouldn't want to lay on your stinky sheets or you lay on their stinky ones ....if they were theirs smelling I'd guess them laying down gave you a chance to breathe downstairs if they stank that much

Yabvu, pay someone instead if you struggle with this.

Their bed sheets were stinky, not mine and I'd have preferred them to use mine - and I'd have washed them afterwards or take theirs home with them! The bed was in the playroom as my dds had bunkbeds and preferred to share - and the bedding was clean and unused. I washed them anyway afterwards (not realising they'd brought their own).

they were theirs smelling I'd guess them laying down gave you a chance to breathe downstairs if they stank that much
we lived in Greece in an apartment (no downstairs) but at least it was hot so all the doors were open.

Absolutely not are you being unreasonable these replies are! It’s not just a nursery it’s you room to I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with that! Yes she dose you a favour but it sounds like she wants to do it not you forcing her if she doesn’t do naps she doesn’t need to go in there make sure you have a caddy with supplies in in the living room, if her son feels the need to stall in and tell her to leave there’s clearly a need for it it’s your house at the end of the day doing you a favour or not you wouldn’t expect a nanny to sit on your bed

Probably won’t reply to this but I’ve just looked through all the responses and Jesus Christ 😂 so according to these comments everyone except you has a baby that sleeps through the night doesn’t have a dirty/untidy house while looking after said baby doesn’t have issues with their mils Jesus I must be a really shit mum my baby wakes 4 times a night I’ve got laundry in the basket on the floor and in the wash and my bathroom needs cleaning 😂 congrats to all you perfect mums/humans😂

Maybe later posts have answered this but I can't be bothered to read them all. Depending on the age of DS, it's recommended to sleep with a baby until 6 months I believe? I did the same as OP by moving into the DTs room for the first 6 months, so DH could continue to get a good nights sleep and function safely at work during the week. (I had twins and they were early so we never sorted BF, accept that if we had I might have needed help).

I know MN is full of advice that partners should do half the night stuff - but if one person is on mat leave and one is going to work, that is just bonkers! As well as unsafe if they are driving, operating machinery, etc.

Anyway, totally understand why you are sleeping with DS unless he is much older. (Actually, irrelevant, people's sleeping arrangements are their own business regardless).

All that aside - I'd be grateful for DMil's help and not give a stuff if she lay on my bed........(but each to their own).

What?? 😂

I’m not noticing anywhere that this is the case? OP doesn’t seem to be going out to work or similar. Isn’t this just MIL popping round to visit Grandson? There is a bit of privacy invasion going on here. But hopefully MIL is announcing her visits in which case it’s agreed and OP can bring baby out of nursery if possible. Otherwise too bad, baby asleep not to be disturbed.

Crikey. A lot of people on this post saying “should this should that” I had DD in early 90s there was an absolute no no on the use of those words and sentiments. All Mothers and babies are different thankfully. The gentle method of not over imposing some kind of old fashioned text book rule always worked fine for me and friends. On the point OPs domestic ways her business only. Again rules about laundry baskets fgs get a life! I think MIL is crossing boundaries and ought to have picked that up. She’s not a nanny but a close relative who is enjoying 3 hours pe arranged visit to acquaint with grandson . Respect, I’d never go into anyone’s room if it feels not right. Whoever they are, whatever circumstances

Whoah! 🙄.Oh dear what happened to you?

I’ve read the whole thread - some of you are brutal! 😳😂

Mine still fed in the night til 12 months plus. Younger (9) still not a great sleeper. The advice when I had mine was sleeps with you in the room til 6 months. Anyway.

Getting in your bed is a weird. You say she’s going to have the baby MORE soon though - why? She already helps once a week for several hours and you’re not happy with the way she does that. Maybe paid childcare would better suit? We use Sitters as we don’t have family help and we found a lovely lady.

Does she smoke in her house? If she goes outside to smoke, what about the baby? I feel like there are way more problems to come if this small thing is such an issue….

what is so secret about your bedroom she can't go in it?

It's very weird to sleep on a bed that isn't yours. In her street clothes, too? She doesn't NEED to sleep on your bed next to the baby. Keep the door cracked and lay on the couch or in a guest room. I find it weird to do this. You aren't being unreasonable here, she is.

Good to see this thread making it on to Newsweek

You are NOT being unreasonable. You've made it very clear, through your original post and your replies to other's comments, that she has ZERO REASONS to go into that room.

WTF is she thinking going into a grown woman's room when she has no business in there? I'd invest in a lock and keep the only key/keys with me (if neither you nor your husband can get her to leave your room alone).

She is a grown woman in her own house; if she doesn't want her mil in her bedroom, that should be the end of it. OP has made it clear, in her elaborations on the situation, that mil HAS NO REASONS to go in there.

I think the main problem is that she has moved out of the connubial bedroom. Why? Is there some reason the cot cannot go in there rather than the OP sleeping in the child's bedroom?

Space? Cots take up a lot of space