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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL in my bedroom

298 replies

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 16:52

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 05/04/2023 21:58

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:43

Actually as you mention "MIL germs" she's also a smoker and I often co sleep in that bed soo....

Show quote history

You do not want her in the bed. You do not need a reason. You do not have to justify yourself. You do not want it. It should not happen. There are reasons, but that is by the by. You do not want it. It should not happen.

Moveoverdarlin · 05/04/2023 22:02

If she’s looking after your baby, surely a lot of her time will be centred around the nursery? If there was a bed in there it’s kind of natural you might sit on it and cuddle the baby. Like someone else said, it’s not like she rifling through your knicker drawer, surely all your personal things are in the master bedroom? I would hate it if my MIL did this, but she’s never looked after my baby. I think it’s weird to say ‘get off my bed’ oh but you are allowed in the lounge, kitchen, dining room and bathroom. You’ve just got a bed in the nursery. It’s not really your bedroom. It’s a nursery, and when she’s caring for your baby it’s kinda obvious she’s going to need to go in the nursery.

Liz1tummypain · 05/04/2023 22:04

If she's helping with the childcare then she'll be in whatever room he sleeps. You have to accept it. If not, you need to change where he sleeps.

Abcdefgh1234 · 05/04/2023 22:06

Nah you ridiculous and a bit ungrateful. Sorry op

Bienemajas · 05/04/2023 22:07

Yes I'm focusing on the bed issue but this is also a big reason I was annoyed. Had she actually said "do you mind if I get him?" I'd have said no

Wow, your poor mother in law!

Are you that unkind to your own mum too?

Bienemajas · 05/04/2023 22:09

Thinking from his perspective one minute he's asleep in his mother's arms the next he has her in his face.

What's wrong with seeing his grandma?

I feel really sad that my son and future daughter in law might feel that way towards me Confused

WitheredandOld · 05/04/2023 22:11

But it’s not your bedroom! It is sooooooo weird that you consider your sons nursery to be your room.

BubziOwl · 05/04/2023 22:13

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/04/2023 21:30

my knickers are on the floor and there's period stains on the sheets

🤢 ok I get why you are embarrassed now. If I lived like that I wouldn't want anyone else to know.

Oh Christ, are we going to play mumsnet competitive 'who can get the blood-stained sheets changed quickest: postpartum edition'?

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 22:16

WitheredandOld · 05/04/2023 22:11

But it’s not your bedroom! It is sooooooo weird that you consider your sons nursery to be your room.

This!

MIL is not going into your bedroom....

Have sex and "me time" with the vibrator in the "master bedroom", why the fuck would you choose the nursery?

Please enlighten us!

saraclara · 05/04/2023 22:19

Yes I'm focusing on the bed issue but this is also a big reason I was annoyed. Had she actually said "do you mind if I get him?" I'd have said no

But if she's doing childcare, then why would she ask you if you mind if she gets him? She does these few hours every week, and she still has to ask? What if you're out doing one of those errands that she's enabling you to do, by looking after your baby? Is she allowed to go and get him or does she have to wait for you to get home? I mean, I know the answer to that, but why should it be any different if you're doing stuff in the house while she cares for him?

WandaWonder · 05/04/2023 22:20

Then stop her coming round, it seems she is only useful if she does it your way

henrilechat · 05/04/2023 22:21

Bienemajas · 05/04/2023 22:09

Thinking from his perspective one minute he's asleep in his mother's arms the next he has her in his face.

What's wrong with seeing his grandma?

I feel really sad that my son and future daughter in law might feel that way towards me Confused

Because she isn't the primary caregiver, and she isn't who he was expecting. He sees her once a week for a few hours, depending on his age, he might only have a vague idea of of her being familiar.
It's not about being mean to the grandparent it's about understanding child development and attachment. A child waking up to an unexpected face is likely to feel scared. Not traumatised, but still genuine fear. Why would you upset your grandchild when there's no need to?

KnackeredAF · 05/04/2023 22:22

OP now you’ve clarified about the sleeping arrangements it seems you’re more sharing the spare room with DS, while DH is in the master and then the plan is for DS to eventually return to box room?

If you’ve currently set up a temporary bedroom in the spare room to facilitate sleep for DH while he’s still working and to have DS share a room with a parent until 6/12 as is recommended - then I understand where you’re coming from, I would feel uncomfortable with someone else spending unnecessary time in there too! Especially in the bed I sleep in, Christ!

Not sure why everyone is being so judgy about you sleeping in a different room
with DS either? Some babies are rubbish sleepers and wake up so much that it’s easier to just take your DH out of the equation so there’s not the added pressure of “oh my god, don’t wake him up with crying please” 🤷🏽‍♀️ and if you co-sleep then it’s definitely easier to have the extra bed space!

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 22:22

WitheredandOld · 05/04/2023 22:11

But it’s not your bedroom! It is sooooooo weird that you consider your sons nursery to be your room.

People are talking about it being 'his room" like he's 12 and he's got jos blink182 posters on the wall or whatever the kids are into now

...he's 8 months old. I put the cot in the spare room so I don't have to get out of bed in the night and so my husband can get some sleep.

OP posts:
FullBloom · 05/04/2023 22:24

How is your relationship with your mil other than this, op?

Obki · 05/04/2023 22:26

I don’t see the big deal. We often gave our bed to DM or MIL.

Even now MIL has the guest room she’ll come in and chat to us and sit on the bed.

CurlewKate · 05/04/2023 22:27

I honestly don't understand what being respectful to a bedroom means. What is so special about a bedroom?

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2023 22:27

I wouldn't be that happy with her cuddling my baby if she's a smoker to be honest

UWhatNow · 05/04/2023 22:28

I never quite understand why your MIL seeing a pair of knickers or a messy bed is such a big deal. She’s family and she’s looking after your kid to give you some respite - be grateful. Why is your DH getting all the sleep? What is his contribution to the childcare?

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 22:33

UWhatNow · 05/04/2023 22:28

I never quite understand why your MIL seeing a pair of knickers or a messy bed is such a big deal. She’s family and she’s looking after your kid to give you some respite - be grateful. Why is your DH getting all the sleep? What is his contribution to the childcare?

DH and I split the night, he will settle baby until about 3am. Sleeping apart means we both get a stint of uninterrupted sleep. We were definitely a "not us" couple about separate beds before baby lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 22:35

FullBloom · 05/04/2023 22:24

How is your relationship with your mil other than this, op?

Honestly fine but I do have to draw boundaries about things I would have thought were obvious. She mainly just gets over excited, she doesn't mean any harm I know.

OP posts:
BlueBox81 · 05/04/2023 22:37

So she literally pulls the duvet back, gets into your bed and lies down in it? Why??!

saraclara · 05/04/2023 22:50

BlueBox81 · 05/04/2023 22:37

So she literally pulls the duvet back, gets into your bed and lies down in it? Why??!

That's not what she said in the OP.

I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him

Half ON the bed doesn't sound like she's lying down on it and under the duvet, to me. More like she sat down on it and then leaned on her elbow to gaze at her gorgeous DGS.

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 22:51

Moveoverdarlin · 05/04/2023 22:02

If she’s looking after your baby, surely a lot of her time will be centred around the nursery? If there was a bed in there it’s kind of natural you might sit on it and cuddle the baby. Like someone else said, it’s not like she rifling through your knicker drawer, surely all your personal things are in the master bedroom? I would hate it if my MIL did this, but she’s never looked after my baby. I think it’s weird to say ‘get off my bed’ oh but you are allowed in the lounge, kitchen, dining room and bathroom. You’ve just got a bed in the nursery. It’s not really your bedroom. It’s a nursery, and when she’s caring for your baby it’s kinda obvious she’s going to need to go in the nursery.

We have a big playpen in the kitchen for him, the living room is set up so he has space to practice crawling, toys everywhere.

The nursery has a bed, a cot, a wardrobe (full of my clothes), a chest of drawers (towels, bedsheets), a nappy caddy and probably about 7 soothing nursery toys (comforter etc).

She has him between his nap times while he's bouncing with energy and everything she could possibly need (clothes, nappies etc) are available elsewhere. So she really doesn't have much cause to spend most of her time in the nursery/my bedroom.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 05/04/2023 22:52

Could you 'officially' move ds into the nursery during the day, at least for anything that MIL needs - to 'get him used to the room'. She possibly won't understand why he is still sharing with you anyway so will probably see it as a positive step. You can then do whatever you like when she isn't there but have the rule that he is only in your room for sleeping when she is there.

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