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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL in my bedroom

298 replies

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 16:52

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 05/04/2023 19:38

Your DH told his mother to leave? If I were her I’d leave and never come back to provide free childcare!

YABU.
Get your own bedroom if it annoys you so much!

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/04/2023 19:39

Any chance baby would nap in a Moses basket or pod downstairs? I know not all of them do, but some do.

InSpainTheRain · 05/04/2023 19:40

She's doing you a favour and I don't get the "she's in my room that's actually DS's room". It seems to stem.feom the fact you don't like her - correct?

Shemovesshemoves21 · 05/04/2023 19:42

saraclara · 05/04/2023 19:38

I'm now thinking this can't be true. Who would treat their own mother that way? Her son is even worse than OP.

I sincerely hope this isn't true. What a disappointment to have a son treat his mother that way, and an ungrateful DIL to boot.

henrilechat · 05/04/2023 19:43

Am I the only that thinks it's a bit weird for a grandparent who is never involved in naps to think it's ok to go and stick their face in front of a sleeping baby? The op said the baby looked and sounded scared. They weren't expecting to wake up to grandma and not their mum and dad.
It's a bit precious not to want your mil in the nursery but not to not want them lying on your bed when there's no need.

Betsyboo87 · 05/04/2023 20:21

I really don’t get your problem here. Surely it is just a bed in a room? Or have you moved all your stuff in there too? It’s not really your room. As someone who lives abroad with no family or childcare support, I would be biting her hand off for a few hours a week. Sorry it’s a gross over reaction and a YABU from me.

Thedogscollar · 05/04/2023 20:44

henrilechat · 05/04/2023 19:43

Am I the only that thinks it's a bit weird for a grandparent who is never involved in naps to think it's ok to go and stick their face in front of a sleeping baby? The op said the baby looked and sounded scared. They weren't expecting to wake up to grandma and not their mum and dad.
It's a bit precious not to want your mil in the nursery but not to not want them lying on your bed when there's no need.

Yep you are literally the only one.... well apart from the OP obvs

FawnFrenchieMum · 05/04/2023 20:46

tuvamoodyson · 05/04/2023 19:28

Why don’t you pay for a nanny since this arrangement doesn’t appear to suit you?

She definitely wouldn’t want a nanny in her bedroom 😂

FawnFrenchieMum · 05/04/2023 20:49

Do you leave your underwear on the floor and vibrators on the changing table? Only reason I could see for not allowing MIL in?

DogLover22 · 05/04/2023 20:52

Your poor MIL ... 😳

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:09

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 18:13

I'm a bit confused but if she's babysitting she's allowed to go in the baby's room.

A lot of people have presumed I'm saying she can't go into the room at all, of course she needs to go in there sometimes. But she doesn't need to climb into my bed, which she's previously been told.

The room is quite large, she can take the baby from the crib on the other side without going near my bed if she needs to.

But like I said, as she's not involved in naps (this was the first time she's been there while he was napping) she really doesn't need to go in there much. There's toyboxes all over the house.

A lot of people are focusing on where my/DS's stuff is in there so I'll provide context-

The nursery is such in so far as it has the cot in it. It's the former spare bedroom with a king-size bed. He was originally meant to sleep in the box room so most of his stuff is in there but I found it easier to co sleep separately from DH so we moved the crib into the spare room. It's not decorated as a nursery and has a few essentials for baby.

There is a wardrobe for some of my clothes, yes, and my antidepressants on the night stand and sometimes my knickers are on the floor and there's period stains on the sheets lol...it's where I sleep.

Oh and the people saying I should just be greatful she looks after him - absolutely. I'm really not that mad. Honestly if she stabbed me I'd still let her babysit hahaha!

OP posts:
cherish123 · 05/04/2023 21:12

Babies usually nap in the pram during the day. Could she do this instead ? Or take him to hers?

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:18

henrilechat · 05/04/2023 19:43

Am I the only that thinks it's a bit weird for a grandparent who is never involved in naps to think it's ok to go and stick their face in front of a sleeping baby? The op said the baby looked and sounded scared. They weren't expecting to wake up to grandma and not their mum and dad.
It's a bit precious not to want your mil in the nursery but not to not want them lying on your bed when there's no need.

Yes I'm focusing on the bed issue but this is also a big reason I was annoyed. Had she actually said "do you mind if I get him?" I'd have said no because, let's be honest, he only sees her for 3 hrs once a week so it always takes him a minute to warm up to her. Thinking from his perspective one minute he's asleep in his mother's arms the next he has her in his face.

OP posts:
Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:21

FawnFrenchieMum · 05/04/2023 20:49

Do you leave your underwear on the floor and vibrators on the changing table? Only reason I could see for not allowing MIL in?

Lol knickers on the floor deffo and there is a vibrator I call "big pinky" in the wardrobe so she'll get a shock if she goes rummaging 😂I mean, yeah DH and I have sex in that room too we sort of use both now! You have to take the opportunities when/where they happen post baby I say...

OP posts:
Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:25

Oh yes and I should clarify she was asked to leave the room, not the house.

OP posts:
Werehalfwaythere · 05/04/2023 21:29

Sorry, but it isn't your bedroom. It's the nursery that you're sleeping in. I really don't understand your hesitation about her going in there, given she has good reason to.

Also, if the baby was awake, why wouldn't she go up to him if that's why she's come round.

Unless there's more to this, you're overreacting. Perhaps the situation isn't working; she's doing you a favour giving you a break, but if it's not working for you, then end the arrangement.

Don't invite her round to help out, then make her tip toe around.

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/04/2023 21:30

my knickers are on the floor and there's period stains on the sheets

🤢 ok I get why you are embarrassed now. If I lived like that I wouldn't want anyone else to know.

Werehalfwaythere · 05/04/2023 21:31

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:18

Yes I'm focusing on the bed issue but this is also a big reason I was annoyed. Had she actually said "do you mind if I get him?" I'd have said no because, let's be honest, he only sees her for 3 hrs once a week so it always takes him a minute to warm up to her. Thinking from his perspective one minute he's asleep in his mother's arms the next he has her in his face.

Show quote history

You sound very uptight. Your child definitely knows her after three hours every week. He may cry a little bit babies cry, it's what they do. I get this maybe your first baby, but relax a little. They won't be traumatised by nanny picking him up when he's woken.

bringincrazyback · 05/04/2023 21:32

henrilechat · 05/04/2023 19:43

Am I the only that thinks it's a bit weird for a grandparent who is never involved in naps to think it's ok to go and stick their face in front of a sleeping baby? The op said the baby looked and sounded scared. They weren't expecting to wake up to grandma and not their mum and dad.
It's a bit precious not to want your mil in the nursery but not to not want them lying on your bed when there's no need.

Despite what a pp has decided to unilaterally assume, no you're not the only one. I think it's weird too.

Antiquiteas · 05/04/2023 21:33

I once found my MIL asleep in the bed I share with my husband 😆 and my FIL let himself into my house at 7am, when my husband was away… beat that for boundary issues.

Thedogscollar · 05/04/2023 21:35

the next he has her in his face.
The way you talk about your MIL is very unkind and disrespectful.

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:37

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/04/2023 21:30

my knickers are on the floor and there's period stains on the sheets

🤢 ok I get why you are embarrassed now. If I lived like that I wouldn't want anyone else to know.

Well, you know, sometimes when you have a leak and a baby to look after there isn't time to change the sheets before she arrives before midday. But I would hope I could throw the duvet over and deal with it later safe in the knowledge no one's going to get into my bed in the meantime...

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 05/04/2023 21:41

WonderingWanda · 05/04/2023 17:28

This isa bit ridiculous. It's a nursery not your bedroom. Unless you've moved all your stuff in there and have moved out of the master bedroom? Why don't you put a large throw over the bed if it's the idea of her touching your sheets and contaminating them with mil germs when she goes in there.

Well this is bollocks. What does it matter where stuff is? Op is telling you it is her bedroom, in her house. That makes it her bedroom!

Original poster
OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:43

Snugglemonkey · 05/04/2023 21:41

Well this is bollocks. What does it matter where stuff is? Op is telling you it is her bedroom, in her house. That makes it her bedroom!

Show quote history

Actually as you mention "MIL germs" she's also a smoker and I often co sleep in that bed soo....

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 05/04/2023 21:54

My god the poor old lady is being treated like a bloody teenager when she's doing you a favour! Show some respect!!!!