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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my MIL in my bedroom

298 replies

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 16:52

I'm on maternity leave and once a week MIL comes over to watch DS for a few hours.

I sleep in a bed beside DS's cot in the nursery and DH sleeps in the master.

Because my bedroom is also technically "the nursery" my MIL feels she can go into it as she pleases.

Her argument is she needs to be able to put DS down for his naps but the time she regularly comes doesn't overlap with his nap times, I always put him down before and after her visits.

She may need to go in there occasionally to get a muslin etc but I feel she needs to be more respectful and only go in when necessary.

DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed. She's constantly taking things out of the nursery and scattering them around the house.

But the other day she really pee'd me off - DS was still napping when she came - I was alone in the kitchen and saw him cry on the babycam, I walked into the nursery to find her half on the bed with her face up to him. I thought she was in the living room! He did his scared "wtf" cry and I said annoyed "oh...hello..?!" and DH, also annoyed, asked her to leave (he works from home).

She said "he was already awake" but that's not the point!! I feel like a teenager shouting at my mum (in law) "get out of my room!!"

AIBU?

OP posts:
BlueBox81 · 05/04/2023 22:55

But she also said "DH has had to explicitly tell her not to lie in my bed"

tara66 · 05/04/2023 22:56

You seem to be treating her as an unknown (and unpaid) baby sitter who you do not trust going about your house and into ''your'' room even though it is baby's room too - instead of treating her as you should, which is as a member of the family and grandmother to your DC. Ditto your DH.

Alwaysneedmoresleep · 05/04/2023 22:58

I’m a big MN lurker usually, but couldn’t stop myself commenting on your thread. You are being so ridiculous about this, it is not disrespectful!! It’s not solely your bedroom, it’s the nursery and you have either asked or allowed your MIL into your home to look after DC and so she needs to be able to go into the nursery. Unless you are about to drip feed massively why on earth do you think she’s sat there thinking oh I know I’ll go in and lay on DIL bed for no reason, she’s not, she’s interacting with her grandchild.
Stop her looking after him if you feel so strongly. I say this as someone with very young children myself.

JMSA · 05/04/2023 22:59

You sound difficult, OP.
Sleeping in a different room to your partner is also odd.

Eranzer · 05/04/2023 22:59

I honestly can't imagine giving the faintest shit about my MIL being in my room/bed if it was shared with DC's bed and things. She could jump up and down on my bed all fucking day if it meant I had free childcare!

Nowt so queer as folk.

Oakyloaky · 05/04/2023 23:01

I think you have taken your embarrassment for having dirty sheets and knickers out on your poor MIL . Not her fault and she clearly has her heart in the right place.
You and your husband owe this poor lady an apology for treating her in such a disrespectful way .
If my sons ever spoke to me in such a rude dismissive way that would be the last time I would ever be available to help .
Can understand if MIL was being nosey and looking in drawers etc but not sitting on the bed gazing at her Grandchild .

MysteryBelle · 05/04/2023 23:02

She is sitting on the bed looking at her grandchild in his cot. Is that so terrible? You act like she’s a stranger who has broken in. She’s not allowed in the nursery? I also slept in a small bed in my son’s nursery near his crib. Did I consider it a shrine to myself? No. think it’s strange that you want her to babysit but won’t allow her into the nursery or to come anywhere near nap times. Are you saying she is not allowed to peek into the nursery when she comes over to babysit? You sound like you despise the woman. Start paying a stranger for childcare, lay down the rules, and see how that works. Unless there’s a backstory. Totally weird.

MintJulia · 05/04/2023 23:19

Find a childminder and then she won't have a reason to be in your home at all, and certainly not upstairs.

JonahAndTheSnail · 05/04/2023 23:26

Could she take the baby to her house for a few hours instead? Does she know you're sleeping in the nursery at the moment, it may be she has no idea you even consider it a personal space.

magicthree · 05/04/2023 23:33

This wouldn't bother me at all - and it's not actually your bedroom. I think you are being ridiculous.

DixonD · 05/04/2023 23:41

Why wouldn’t the MIL understand why OP is sharing a room with her young baby? It’s hardly unusual, and you’d have to be pretty stupid to not have some grasp of the situation - she’s also a mother herself.

OP, YANBU to not want anyone else in your bed - some posters on here won’t even let workmen use their toilet (and no doubt a fair few of those have posted here in disagreement with you!).

igor · 05/04/2023 23:51

I'd not want anyone lying in the bed I sleep in so I'd say YANBU.

pinkpotatoez · 05/04/2023 23:55

Very pedantic, surely even if it was your bedroom, you're close enough with your MIL to allow her in there to see the baby. You're acting as if she's in there rifling through your knicker drawer

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 06/04/2023 00:45

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 05/04/2023 21:18

Yes I'm focusing on the bed issue but this is also a big reason I was annoyed. Had she actually said "do you mind if I get him?" I'd have said no because, let's be honest, he only sees her for 3 hrs once a week so it always takes him a minute to warm up to her. Thinking from his perspective one minute he's asleep in his mother's arms the next he has her in his face.

Show quote history

Bit of an overreaction, don't you think? An 8 month old will recognize granny even if it takes a couple of seconds. And for that your husband orders her out of the room?🙄

You've described her as a loving grandmother who you generally get along with quite well, and she is willing to come over for a few hours once a week so you can have a break. When you're lucky enough to have someone you trust babysitting you should probably lighten up on the micromanagement. Does she have to do every little thing exactly the way you do? If the child is safe and well looked after maybe overlook the small annoyances?

The alternative is just ask her not to come, but then don't complain later that she's not an involved grandparent. But think twice, because it's actually kind of a luxury to have someone you can count on to help out on occasion.

JudgeRudy · 06/04/2023 01:54

If I was a sole carer for a baby, even for a few hours, I'd expect access to their cot/toys etc which I'm assuming are in the nursery. If she's putting him to bed I also don't think it's unreasonable to sit on the bed.
Thing is, you've banned these things so I think it would be better if you dropped your baby off at hers when you needed her (and it was convenient) then she can just get on with things.
I'm quite big on privacy and private space (eg never shared my PIN with a loved one, don't share my Indian meal etc) but I would not view the bedroom as your space. I wouldn't intrude if you were in it but I think it's odd that you view it that way. That said it's your house and your kid. If she continues to forget/disregard then it's not working. See above for ideas

difficultdifficultlemondifficult · 06/04/2023 02:09

This whole set up is ridiculous and you sound so uptight.

When my kids are looked after at home grandparents have often needed to go to their bedroom. If they have an accident or spill something and need clean clothes for example.

If my baby was sleeping in their bedroom I would have no problem with my MIL going in there to check on them or be around for when they wake up and undoubtedly need a cuddle while they wake up.

It isn't your MIL fault that you don't pick up your dirty underwear, that you have sex in the child's bedroom and take your time to wash your stained bedsheets. To you MIL, this room is just the nursery and should be accessible to her if she is taking care of the baby.

Plenty of couples manage to keep their personal spaces/bedrooms separate to their kids despite co sleeping. I don't understand why you have to physically move in and share a bedroom with your child instead of your husband.

If she was climbing into the marital bed or rummaging around in wardrobes and drawers in the master bedroom that's entirely different.

Liorae · 06/04/2023 02:19

ThatsGenderwang · 05/04/2023 16:58

It doesn't sound much like 'free childcare' though. More like a few hours so OP can do a few errands or admin.

Are those few hours paid? If not, it's free childcare.

Tophy124 · 06/04/2023 02:45

You sound like a horrible nightmare OP. Precious first born much. So MIL is good enough for free childcare but you’re going to still micromanage? You’re extremely lucky to have help.

123rainbow · 06/04/2023 02:54

I wish I had your problem. Single mum to a six year old, never had free child care. Wished my son had grandparents that spent time with him. Y BVU

Jemandthehologramsunite · 06/04/2023 02:59

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 05/04/2023 16:57

She might think you're unreasonable for sleeping in a nursery. I wouldn't love it but would probably suck it up for free childcare.

This. She seems a bit much but I'd suck it up for the help

LadyJ2023 · 06/04/2023 03:06

In all fairness your sleeping in babies room, not sure why but you know she comes over then won't let her look after the little one. Doesn't sound at all like she's the problem tbh sounds more like you 2 making an issue out of nothing...if you want to nap go in normal bed then it won't matter where in the house mum goes simple

Jemandthehologramsunite · 06/04/2023 03:09

I've just realised I've read this wrong, I thought the baby was in your room! You're the weird one OP, it's not actually your bedroom, you just happen to sleep there. You actually sound quite ungrateful, I hope you start being a bit nicer to your MIL and appreciate what she's doing for you all

Liorae · 06/04/2023 03:11

Oakyloaky · 05/04/2023 23:01

I think you have taken your embarrassment for having dirty sheets and knickers out on your poor MIL . Not her fault and she clearly has her heart in the right place.
You and your husband owe this poor lady an apology for treating her in such a disrespectful way .
If my sons ever spoke to me in such a rude dismissive way that would be the last time I would ever be available to help .
Can understand if MIL was being nosey and looking in drawers etc but not sitting on the bed gazing at her Grandchild .

I agree. Make your bed so the stains are visible and pick your knickers off the floor. The whole operation will take about 30 seconds and you will have nothing to be ashamed of in front of mother in law.

Tourmalines · 06/04/2023 03:30

Liorae · 06/04/2023 03:11

I agree. Make your bed so the stains are visible and pick your knickers off the floor. The whole operation will take about 30 seconds and you will have nothing to be ashamed of in front of mother in law.

Show quote history

This .
poor mil .

landbeforegrime · 06/04/2023 04:11

Like others I find this really odd and don't understand why it bothers you. It is not your bedroom. It is the nursery which you sleep in - this is surely a temporary arrangement whilst the baby is still young. It's clearly not intended to be a bedroom for you and dc in 3 years time. It seems entirely reasonable that as the purpose of this room is for you to be close to dc that your mil also uses this room to be close to dc whilst she is there to offer her kind help to your family. the territorial approach you have to "your" bedroom (which is the nursery) is strange. not letting her sleep on "your bed" is also strange if she is there to care for dc. if you have lots of personal things in there and you don't like her being near them move them to the master bedroom (your actual bedroom) and stop giving her a hard time over nothing. your mil sounds like she is putting up with a lot to have a relationship with your dc and i am not sure why gratitude and appreciation for her time and interest in your dc are not forefront. yabvu.