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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited friend for Easter lunch. Rude response?!

203 replies

Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 07:46

So I invited one of my closest friends over for lunch on Sunday after church. He's on his own, I'm on my own. Thought it would be nice to have some company.

So the text conversation went like this;

"Would you like to come over for lunch on Sunday?"

"Maybe".

Is this not bloody rude? AIBU to be a bit bloody miffed?!

If ever I ask him out for lunch/dinner/day out/etc, he is always busy but he always expects me to drop my plans whenever he wants to go out.

Some people just don't realise that friendship is a two-way thing, I guess.

OP posts:
Myneighbourskia · 05/04/2023 13:07

You say he is a close friend but I don't think he sees you as a close friend. Bin him off.

Mirabai · 05/04/2023 13:17

Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 10:25

It's got nothing to do with him being male. That's pretty offensive. I do have female friends too, you know! And non-binary too, if that makes a difference!

I'm not 'desperate' for his attention. I was just trying to do something nice!

Fucking hell.

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But he’s not your friend, he cba to hang out with you, so why are hanging around him?

Sisisimone · 05/04/2023 13:25

From your replies it sounds like you think of him as much more than a friend. It could be he's trying to distance himself if he doesn't feel the same. Your reaction to his 'maybe' is very intense. Most people would just say 'OK, just let me know by x' then move on with their day

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 13:39

Sisisimone · 05/04/2023 13:25

From your replies it sounds like you think of him as much more than a friend. It could be he's trying to distance himself if he doesn't feel the same. Your reaction to his 'maybe' is very intense. Most people would just say 'OK, just let me know by x' then move on with their day

I'm a lesbian, so...

OP posts:
IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 05/04/2023 14:18

PaigeMatthews · 05/04/2023 12:54

Every. Single. Thread about rude people.

Show quote history

Given how much time and energy I've dedicated as an autistic person to trying very hard NOT to be rude, this does grate! I will however acknowledge that he might be autistic AND a rude dick head 😂 just plain rude dick head is probably more likely though.

worktired · 05/04/2023 14:22

He sounds like he's putting much less importance/effort into this friendship than you are OP. I'd leave him to it.

Peachy2005 · 05/04/2023 14:46

MN is bonkers…I don’t know how anyone is brave or foolhardy enough to ever post on AIBU…

@Sortyourlifeout have you sent the text yet rescinding the invitation? Let us know what he replies.

Don’t bother trying to do something nice again for this rude person. Ignore the madness on here xx

Backstreets · 05/04/2023 14:58

He’s taking you for granted and you’re right to feel upset.

poetryandwine · 05/04/2023 15:36

Hi, OP -

Many good responses here and I am glad you found one that works for you.

I am actually more concerned about the other part of your original post: that this guy expects you to change your plans when he wants to meet up.

That is seriously wrong. It’s an attempt to control you. If you do it, it’s hugely impolite to others and probably annoys them more than you realise, thus compromising your other relationships. As PPs have said, paradoxically the more available you are the less he will respect you, and if you are cancelling other people to be with him this is doubly true.

I think prioritising yourself for a while - not to punish him, just to be nice to yourself - could be not only worthwhile but very interesting

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/04/2023 17:59

Did you say what your plans were? I'd maybe as yes to lunch but no to skydiving or whatever.

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 21:18

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 05/04/2023 17:59

Did you say what your plans were? I'd maybe as yes to lunch but no to skydiving or whatever.

I think "would you like to come over for lunch on Sunday" was pretty clear 😉

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 05/04/2023 23:10

Has he replied?

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 23:36

Many thanks for all your messages of support (mainly!).

I haven't messaged him yet because I wanted to make sure I was calm and not upset when I did. I have BPD, so anything like this causes major upset for me.

I will be seeing him tomorrow so I will talk to him then.

OP posts:
Stopcomplainingandsortit · 06/04/2023 18:16

While you are hanging off this ignorant plonker you're maybe missing out on real friendships!! With people who would really love an invite to Sunday lunch!! You are worth more than this, you sound like a nice person. Go find some other nice people and step away from this crappy excuse for a mate!!

Emotionalsupportviper · 06/04/2023 18:19

I agree with @Stopcomplainingandsortit - you are worth more than being a "she'll do" choice for this man.

You say that you don't regard him in a romantic way, but honestly, whether you do or not you shouldn't be waiting for his say so in order to plan you Easter.

Please don't let him (or anyone else, for that matter) treat you in such a cavalier fashion. Be proactive and take charge of your own life.

SarahsHoneydew · 06/04/2023 18:29

Bunce1 · 05/04/2023 07:52

So rude. I’d reply and say

good job you’re just a maybe! 😜 Somethings come up so will reschedule for another time. Have a good weekend.

Absolutely this!!

toxic44 · 06/04/2023 18:38

My first response to such an ill-mannered, self important twit would be, 'Maybe? Maybe not, don't bother.'
And that would be me, over and out. It's an ignorant and disrespectful reply to your invitation.

Gagaandgag · 06/04/2023 19:08

Just don’t bother again

Merangutan · 06/04/2023 19:26

He’s rude, OP. You aren’t over-reacting. Polite people express gratitude. A polite alternative to a very curt and unappreciative ‘maybe’ is: That’s a lovely idea - thank you. Could I check on a possible clash and let you know by x day?’

Seems a few posters on here could also do with learning a few manners - some replies to you are ridiculous.

Merangutan · 06/04/2023 19:27

Oh, and withdraw the invitation. Tell him your plans have changed but obviously you expect that’s fine as there was no commitment from him.

MsRosley · 06/04/2023 20:32

Sortyourlifeout · 05/04/2023 23:36

Many thanks for all your messages of support (mainly!).

I haven't messaged him yet because I wanted to make sure I was calm and not upset when I did. I have BPD, so anything like this causes major upset for me.

I will be seeing him tomorrow so I will talk to him then.

Hugs, OP. BPD can make it particularly difficult to set healthy boundaries with people.

Mandyjack · 06/04/2023 21:42

We once invited a couple over to our house years ago. They were joint friends and we'd often been to theirs before we got our flat. By that time we'd been drinking less as didn't go out as much since being married and having a child and had less money than we had before.
Anyway the ladies response was that they'd be bored because we don't drink. I was so hurt. These were close friends who we'd been to each others weddings etc.
Fast forward to know we are all in our late 50s and the guy is basically an alcoholic, he drinks daily and is a mess if he goes over his usual amount. Can't walk and is incoherent, snot pouring out his nose yet his wife is still in denial that he's got an issue. Their whole social life now revolves around boozy nights in with family

Bleachmycloths · 06/04/2023 21:51

Cheeky sod! Text him and tell him you can’t do lunch after all. Offer no explanation. He didn’t give you one.

Fluffmum · 06/04/2023 22:16

Get rid selfish man

Imaginemissmarple · 06/04/2023 22:35

unce1 · Yesterday 07:52
So rude. I’d reply and say

good job you’re just a maybe! 😜 Somethings come up so will reschedule for another time. Have a good weekend.

THIS