Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

But if he does who will pay for holidays and babysit his daughter?

Given the ongoing and lengthy absence of the OP, I suspect the partner has observed her mask slip (from that of engaged/interested/supportive stepmother) to what she is now i.e. an unmarried partner desperately attempting to sideline her partner's first child and create a nuclear family that excludes his child at every possible opportunity.

Either he's joined the dots by himself, or someone has alerted him to this thread and the content. If I knew him, I'd alert him to the true nature of OP and urge him to continue to give his child the full consideration/emotional support she deserves both now and on an ongoing basis irrespective of what the OP says or does in an attempt to kybosh that.

I am completely repulsed by the OP and her lack of emotional maturity regarding the impact this proposed 'nuclear family' holiday will have at this crucial time in the relationship between her partner and his first child.

I said upthread, and continue to believe, the finance issue is a smokescreen under which OP intends to fully enforce a differentiation between her partner's children to ensure her offspring (his second child) achieves superior status/ consideration to that of his first child.

I have zero skin in this game, neither a stepmother nor a stepchild. We have no blended families within my wider family. Even so, if a poster was on here telling us her new partner (father of her second child) was spouting the same shite about 'affordability' to sideline her first child, i.e. exercising his superior financial power over her/her relationship with her child, we'd have the loudest possible chorus of LTB!! ever.

@Trez1510
Sorry, are first children more important than any children born thereafter?

I’m not sure why else you’d need to highlight who was born first or second.

If so, I find that extremely vile in all honesty…I hope you don’t have more than one child for their sake.

@Trez1510
And having zero “skin in the game” normally means you have a Brandy Bunch ideal way of how blended (🤮) families should operate…one that’s equally unrealistic and it it idealistic

@holaschicas I don't need to have experience of blended families to understand the impact/isolation of an 8yo child whose father has produced another child, only to find the father and that other child are going on holiday without them. Not only that, it's the first time since the arrival of the second child.

Any comments about how the OPs post would be viewed if the situations were swapped round and it was a man exercising coercive financial control with the intention of excluding the mother's first child whilst said child was at her father's?

I know precisely what skin you have in this, and it means you cannot be unbiased in your views. I am only biased in respect of the impact on the first child produced by the partner.

I suspect the OP has left the thread because of all the verbal abuse from so many posters, I very much doubt it’s because her partner has seen the thread! I don’t blame her quite honestly, some of the comments have been dreadful.

I don't understand why posters are so intent on attacking an OP who is so obviously not coming back??

You sound lovely 🙄

THIS

@Trez1510
but you don’t understand the dynamics of blended families and the impact different dynamics have on ALL children involved.

Do you know how much impact it had on my 8 year old DSD when we went away for a weekend without her when my DS was a few months old? Zero. It had zero impact. Because she didn't even know we were away. Because she was at her Mum's.
What's more, her Dad booked the break himself. So that we could have a few days of peace, pottering around, pub lunches etc. It was not a break for a child so she missed out on nothing. Her brother slept in his pram through most of it.
It wasn't because she's less important, it's just because she's less here (if you'll excuse my grammar). She wasn't left behind. She wasn't with us to feel isolated or upset about a thing.

In this scenario there is zero impact on the infant as to whether he experiences a break with his parents or not. Meanwhile, there is likely to be a substantial emotional/psychological impact on the partner's first child as her father takes her new half-sibling away with him, leaving her behind.

I guess you need to be a step-mother to be able to be so myopic as to not be able to see that or pretend to not see it. Anyone with any understanding of children, whether in blended families or not, will recognise the impact on the partner's child of this particular trip.

Take it from me, daughter, stepdaughter and a mother. I resented my sisters growing up because they got holidays without me, I resented my biological siblings because they got holidays without me. All the while I was from a broken home. The worse part? I was adopted and while my siblings are biological our parents wasn't, I was living with my dad and my mum took the girls on holiday without me, she did that multiple times. They even had the audacity to come "visit" me while I was in care the day after they got back from Crete shoving it in my face. This is the family that "chose" us as young children/infants.

No matter how you try sugarcoat this in your head YTA! I would love to see this on Reddit and you get shredded in the comments.... Kinda like people are shredding you here. The sooner you realize you have ONE BIOLOGICAL child and ONE BONUS child the better. Your not a step mum, your a bonus mum, she's not your stepchild, she's your bonus child and you should be treating her like she's your own. You didn't grow up around stepdads, you grew up around deadbeat dads.

You partner has two children, both them children need to be considered in holidays, otherwise resentment is bound to grow, you'll notice DSD doesn't want to be around much more, you'll notice she stops calling, visiting and eventually NC. Your pushing that poor kid away, if you wanted a holiday with just you, partner and baby you should have chose a man who didn't already have previous responsibilities and children.

You chose this man to have a baby with, you chose this family, now you can either BE a family or be the one RESPONSIBLE for the relationship breakdown between dad and daughter. Your choice but choose wisely, when your partner starts putting the pieces together and realizes the real issue is you, you'll be left on your own. Just imagine if one day that happens, he finally sees sense and that the dynamics don't work. To me this is a HUGE blazing red flag, on your part. I wouldn't stay with someone who says my kids can't come on holiday with us, let's hope he doesn't either.

How long are you all going to carry on with this, seriously? I can see why it’s struck a nerve, but surely it’s time to move onto another step parent thread, where the OP is actually listening to you??

@Trez1510
It sets a precedent though, provides consistency rather than changing it up again in a couple of years time.

The rest of your post is actually quite rude so there’s no point engaging.

@TheGreyWitch
Sorry you went through that but your scenario sounds very different to the one OP is talking about

In this scenario there is zero impact on the infant as to whether he experiences a break with his parents or not
The break isn't for the baby. The break isn't for the step child. The break is for the parents.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? Or are you genuinely unable to appreciate the OP's proposed actions from the perspective of an 8yo child?

As an aside, I'm seeing a lot of caring, compassionate stepmothers airing their views on OP's plan. I'm wondering if they met the fathers after they'd split from the mothers of their child/ren or before i.e. were they OW or not?

I'm also beginning to ponder whether there is any correlation between being the OW and proceeding to become a step-mother who considers the father's second family (with her) to be superior to his first family i.e. he left them for her so she perceives herself (and her offspring) to be superior models?

Anyone got any stats on that ..... ?

As the adult child of a father and stepmother who did this to me all the time, I can confidently say that excluding your stepdaughter will only breed resentment and forever alter the current relationship you have with her. my father and stepmother went on more “family” trips without me than I care to count…over holidays and my birthday, without a second thought. My stepmother was then and still tries to be now mentally and emotionally abusive toward me. I wonder if you even realize that excluding your stepdaughter from this trip is emotional abuse.
Whether you see it this way or not, that little girl is your family and must be included in all decisions. Not including her on this trip, especially now that she knows about it, would be cruel.

I'm not being obtuse at all. I think it is actually you who doesn't seem to be able to appreciate the perspectives of everyone else.
The child in question won't even have a "perspective" on this if it just quietly happens when she's with her mother. There is no need for her to feel anything at all about it, let alone anything negative, she's missing out on nothing that should have been for her.
If OP was taking the baby to Disney and video calling the DSD to let her know what fun they were having without her I would see your point as valid.

As someone who lived that little girls life you are definitely being unreasonable. I can’t explain how much my father and step mom made me feel like the unwanted first mistake by always taking vacations in country and to others with my half siblings, but excluding me. It always made me feel like since he got the second chance to fix things from his mistakes with me, so they always everything perfect growing up. Now I’m not saying you should fully pay it, that him and her mom should at the very least chip in. But you purposely excluding her like this will do nothing but harm any relationship you have with her. Be better.

@crossbeats
Cruelty?! 😂
Give the Social a call and see what they have to say

@briannaswims @Coreytcash253
Sorry you went through they but what describe isn’t the same as OP.

@Trez1510
Have you got the stats on how many people come here to gawp/discuss blended families?
It you have no experience then by all means come here to gain some knowledge on the situations but don’t come with your own fixed perspectives and ideas.
Would you frequent multiples boards and give advice of raising twins with none yourself…I doubt it. Show the same consideration here please

DId you not announce upthread you were no longer engaging with me? Is that the sort of consistency you afford your stepchild/ren? 🙄

Anyway, I'm mesmerised by your shiny, new Mumsnet Sheriff badge that allows you to dictate who may say what on any specific thread. 😂

Your suggestion that only those with direct experience of anything are qualified to comment is, well, beyond ludicrous.

In my extensive experience of life, I've learned to accept advice from people with no personal agenda to promote and avoid advice from those who are actively doing it wrong but insistent everyone does it 'their' way.

I have an inkling without myself and others suggesting OP is being, at best, thoughtless if not downright cruel in her intentions, there would have simply been a chorus of stepmothers who clearly afford their stepchildren a far lesser status than their own children.

The entire idea that because a child does not reside with a parent it means they should be 'lesser' to that parent is a view, seemingly, held only by second wives who have produced second families. That's apparent even on this thread.

For avoidance of doubt, I will engage no further with you on this thread. 👍

Umm unless you weren’t reading I do have the perspective; from the child’s view. Maybe you should take your own advice? I was never rude, I gave my perspective, and I asked her to be better than my step family was to me. It’s not my fault you took my comment in the wrong way. I was trying to help the mom with a view point different from her so maybe stick to your own business because this has nothing to do with you. Thank you kindly for the unwarranted advice, but I did nothing wrong instead you came into my advice being the rude one.

You haven't quoted anyone so it is difficult to understand to whom your comment was directed.

If it was directed at me, you are mistaken. My response was to the author of the thread I quoted, not the others mentioned in it.

FWIW, I fully understood your perspective, and I believe it to be totally relevant in advocating for the child in this scenario whilst others cheer-on the poor behaviour of the OP.