Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

How is calling a person evil and vile for wanting some child free peace in any way acceptable?
If I split from DH would I require my children to accompany him and future spouse on all their adult holidays? No. I would not.
As a child would I have wanted to go on an adult holiday? No. I would not.
Maybe don't become a mother if you are willing to place your child, who absolutely needs and deserves to be special to you, on the same footing as the child of any man you may date or marry . How's that for logic?

@searstd0
To be honest, if my child was seeing their dad only EOW then I would expect them to be treated differently. I’d see it as they live with me and they only visit dad.

I hate these stepchildren posts. You are always being unreasonable if you treat the stepchild any different than you treat your own child. You married someone with a child. That means that you became a parent. The step shouldn't mean anything, this isn't Disney, stepchildren aren't Cinderella.

I thought this post was satirical when I read this paragraph and then realised oh no, it's serious...

@searstd0
i don’t know what your last post said but, to clarify, my DSD is here EOW. Home is most definitely at mums house and she comes to “see” us. We expect her to treat this like home but, no matter how hard we try, it’s not.

it would be much harder for her if forced her to think if this as home. Again, like my 3yo, she understand that circumstances are different due to this. She’s having another holiday abroad soon and my DC are hearing about how excited she is and all the nice things she has planned. They accept it and move on.

The reality of divorce is that it affects family holidays, and you are entitled to look at vacations with only your nuclear family, not your extended family.

If your partner's ex wants their child to travel with you then your lawyer and his ex must figure out finances and care for the child while in vacation, that cost should not be bear by you.

Additionally, I do agree that vacationing with your newborn is not the same in cost or effort ad would be with an 8 year old; your vacation seems to me well planned for rest and bonding time between parents and baby, and that should be more important.

Lastly, i think there is some bitterness in your partner's ex part as kids only react poorly when the adults do, the child would not normally assumed she would vacation with your nuclear family unless she lived with you full time and not the other parent.

The reality of divorce is that it affects family holidays

Agreed

I assume your stepdaughter isn't going on holiday with your children's father though. How would your DC feel if their Dad was taking his 'new' children away and not them?

"I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way..." That's funny, that's what you sound like. I don't think you really have any interest in his child at all. And for him to agree in order to appease you makes me feel the same about him.

@CatA27
But their circumstances are different, they live with dad full time…you can’t glaze over it.

OP wants an adult holiday, bringing baby along. Not a child’s holiday without DSC

Take your baby and go on holiday by yourselves. You clearly need some time to yourself to breathe and think some things out. It sucks that his babymomma ruined your plans BUT if you're trying to get away from his child for a bit... You can't expect him to do the same just like that. Worst case do a mini holiday you and the baby somewhere you can get some peace for a little while and save the bigger vacation for when things are planned out better for everyone... maybe plan a vaca while she's at her mother's and don't tell her mother til you guys are leaving so she can't drop her kid on you at the last moment.

Yes but you also as a parent have to teach your child they can't be selfish with the people they love, this will create dependancy problems in future relationships. You're kid will only be jealous if you don't teach them what is and isn't worth getting jealous about. Also when you have more than 1 kid. If money isn't a problem yes you should be able to take 1 kid on vacation at a time sometimes(not all the time). It's good for individual bonding.. you can feel sad for your kid being left out but when it's your kids turn to have mom or dad all to themselves and do something fun all weekend. That can be even better and make an even better impact in a child's life. Rather than let them be sad, just say, let us go do something fun too and you get daddy all to yourself next time! It's good to loosen up abit because it's better for all the kids involved

I believe it is reasonable to want to spend time bonding with your new baby. Also, going on a holiday with such a significant age difference between your children is going to present some major obstacles for group activities. Infants need time to sleep, nurse, be changed, and carrying them through a theme park is far from ideal. I would personally suggest taking separate trips or discussing in advance with your partner and stepdaughter that they will be having separate experiences from you and your son. I also would suggest having a conversation about your financial situation and the support of this unilateral decision. No discussions about planning should be happening with your stepdaughter. What if something changes and it is no longer feasible to go at all. The disappointment and arguments will never end.

What OP actually said about why she wants this holiday -

I just want a relaxing holiday, on maternity leave, with a baby I don’t have to pay for, before I go back to work. I do not want a stressful, expensive holiday this year. New motherhood (for me) has been hard enough

She also said they have other DSD centred breaks booked for later on when she's back earning, so it's not about leaving her behind/pushing her out/casting her coldly aside in fairy tale SM tradition.
It's about OP wanting something for herself. It's unhealthy for every single move you make in life to be 100% about a child, any child. A break for OP and her partner is not going to bring the older child's world crashing down (unless she is deliberately made to feel bad about it) and she has other things all about her to look forward to.

The people that are saying that she shouldn't have to pay for dsd or DH or the other mother can pay. You guys are AH
When you married your DH you married your DSD also. Your DH has 2 kids now and it's not a family of 4.

She’s having another holiday abroad soon and my DC are hearing about how excited she is and all the nice things she has planned. They accept it and move on

Can you not understand that it’s not remotely comparable/ the same? If you can’t, then you have precisely zero insight into how it feels for a child when their parent remarries/ partners.

Er, no.

@Baconbgr
Well, that’s not true or CMS would still take new partners income into account.

@Tandora
I do have insight and I can recognise the differences. However, we always say your sisters and try to treat them equally so it could be hard for them that one is doing something that they’re missing out on. If I took my DC out alone when DSC was at mums and FaceTimed to tell her what a great time we were having, do you think she (at 6yo) would reason that it doesn’t matter because the shared parent (dad) isn’t there?

Yes, ALL children may feel a bit left out but they learn to accept their circumstances and differences. We’ve had phases of DC crying at missing DSC, crying because they want to go to the play area DSC has just FaceTimed with mum from. In time, and taking advice from a counsellor, they’ve accepted things as they are.

Things will become separated further as DSC gets older and will probably rather visit friends than us. You can’t control or manage everyone’s feelings all the time, it’s exhausting and impossible.

@Hola, what is upsetting to step children when a dad remarries, has more children, and goes on holiday with their new family without them, is NOT about missing out on a fun holiday that their siblings are having. What is upsetting is the insecurity it generates in them that their dad is no longer their dad in the same way, that they no longer love them as much, that they have a new family now and they no longer see them as part of that family. This isn’t just another feeling a child has- it’s about their fundamental security in their relationship with their parent , it’s about their self esteem. Clearly you do not get it, which is worrying given you have step children. This is something that can profoundly affect a child’s mental health with life long consequences.

If it's going to have such a long lasting psychological impact on the step child if OP and her partner have a break for themselves then why would they tell the child about it? Just go, get the time they need, the step child has other breaks to look forward to and needn't be affected by a thing.

@Angeredpluto

this! ⬆️

@Tandora
what is worrying is that you are giving advice on a situation you have little experience of.

We take the mental health of ALL our children extremely seriously, hence why we regularly speak with a child counsellor about managing the situation.

If there’s an activity or weekend event on while DSC isn’t here, we are not not going to take our children.

OP isn’t even talking about a childrens holiday. It’s a adult break away that she feels she needs to take a newborn baby on due to baby’s needs (different to an 8yo). They will still be able to go to nice restaurant or whatever with a new born in a pram, not something always easily done with bored children!

@Tandora
By contrast, do you think DSC kick off if mum goes away on a break without them because they’re at dads. No.