Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

, she gets so much and is so entitled, coming over dripping in new clothes/trainers and gadgets. I don’t bring my kids up like that so I won’t be bringing her up like that either when she’s in my home. Your partner and his child will walk all over you if you let them.

fucking hell. Imagine being a child and having to live part of the time with someone who despises you so much, just to see your parent. 😢

@Dais02 is saying she doesn't want to pay for her step-child (except a birthday present).

That seems fair enough, the child's parents should be paying for their kids, not the step-parent. Why do you think that's vile? Do you really think it's up to the step-parent to pay for the step-child?

@Bamboux
here we go 🙄

I can’t tell if these kinds of posts purposefully twist what PP has said or if posters are so used to projecting their own experiences that they don’t even realise they’re doing it

Not projecting anything. Do you generally describe people you like and respect as 'entitled', 'dripping in new clothes' and trying to 'walk all over you'?

I can’t tell if these kinds of posts are so used to speaking about their stepchildren in such hateful terms that they don’t even realise they’re doing it or how it sounds to a normal person.

Describing someone as 'entitled' and spoilt and 'dripping in new clothes' and trying to 'walk all over you' isn't setting boundaries. Do you honestly not realise how much contempt and dislike comes across from your post?

What if they are all of those things? Just look away and pretend they’re not, and that they’re lovely? Because I’ve seen that happen in real life, and it didn’t end well for anyone, least of all the DSC themselves.

What if they are all of those things? Just look away and pretend they’re not, and that they’re lovely? Because I’ve seen that happen in real life, and it didn’t end well for anyone, least of all the DSC themselves.

This. Whenever someone describes a SC negatively it is always assumed that they are not those things and the step parent is describing them inaccurately because they don't like them. You haven't met the child - they could be just as described.

Of course many children are spoiled or entitled. It is the way they are described. Without the slightest hint of affection, warmth, or seeing any positive qualities whatsoever.

Just seeing them as an enemy, someone disgusting, revolting, to be defeated. No positive attributes, no acknowledgement that they are a child, no care or closeness.

I've seen many step parents describe difficulties with their step children or problematic behaviour while also making it clear that they care about them and want to improve the situation for all concerned.

It is really awful that anyone would defend someone describing their partner's child in such unmitigated harsh, hate-filled terms, without any balance or understanding.

No child should be forced to spend time with an adult who holds them in such total contempt. The child's father, if he were a decent human being and parent, would leave that relationship.

Of course many children are spoiled or entitled. It is the way they are described. Without the slightest hint of affection, warmth, or seeing any positive qualities whatsoever.

The child's father, if he were a decent human being and parent, would leave that relationship

Children don’t become spoilt and entitled in a vacuum, they are the product of their environment. The responsibility to raise them to be good people is on their parents, as is the case for any children. If their parents are decent human beings, they’d raise their children properly and not be Disney parents for an easy life.

If you let your children become spoilt and entitled, you can’t complain when other people notice.

This is something that seems to be acceptable in blended families for some reason; again, this does not usually work out in the DSC’s favour in the end.

@Bamboux You do realise people talk differently don't you? Not everyone will feel the need to heavily imbue their description of their SC as being spoilt and entitled with gushing compliments, sometimes they will just say they are spoilt and entitled. The people who mince their words more are still thinking the same thing about them.

It's not about 'gushing compliments'.

That post was unremittingly negative and nasty, and explicitly framed the stepchild as an enemy to be defeated . It's horrible and it's not excusable, no matter how consistently you hold the line that you are not obliged to give a shit about your partner's children.

I wouldn't even talk about one of my kids' classmates in such cold, hate-filled terms, let alone a child who shared my home and whose parent I apparently loved.

I reiterate that no decent parent would allow a person who felt this way about their child to be part of their lives. The father in this situation is a shit dad for exposing his children to an adult who is so venomous about them, and anyone who would have children with someone like that is making a huge mistake .

@DrMarciaFieldstone

If their parents are decent human beings, they’d raise their children properly and not be Disney parents for an easy life.

yes, that was exactly my point. He's a shit father. and she's the sort of stepmother that no loving parent would inflict on their child. What a horrible, depressing situation.

@Bamboux I read that comment as pretty harsh too, for the record. My point, and the point from another PP that I was agreeing with was that my reaction from reading a harsh comment was "I wonder if they ARE really spoilt, and if they really have walked all over that poster. I wonder what the story is", rather than to jump to the conclusion that their tone couldn't possibly be warranted and they're just being spiteful.

Thanks, I'm glad to see that you also felt that comment was harsh.

I wasn't saying that the child in question isn't spoilt/entitled etc. They may well be.l all those things. How would I know? But the poster's feelings came through loud and clear.

Plenty of people have very mixed feelings about their own children or stepchildren, but that didn't read as mixed feelings, it read as real hatred.

I don't think that tone is OK when talking about a child, even an unpleasant, spoilt, annoying one. This isn't an adult criminal we are talking about - it's a kid who by the sounds of it has been badly brought up by ineffective or struggling parents, and is stuck in a situation that is beyond their control.

I'm sure some children from broken/blended families do try to control and manipulate things. No wonder - they are at the mercy of adults' decisions and trying to exert whatever power they have. (This applies to all children but I would think especially those who are dealing with this kind of complicated family life.)

Whatever the reality, I don't think that anyone should be perpetuating a situation with that level of hostility. It will only be damaging to everyone involved. The parent should remove himself from that situation for everyone's sake, including his own child.

@Bamboux
Really you’re issue shouldn’t be that SM has described DSC in that way but that you don’t feel any child should be described in that way.

This is what I was saying in a PP, the step dynamic acts as a bit of a smoke screen as to what the issue really is.

I do think that if a DM has spoken about DC like that, people would have read it as a mum at the end of her tether rather than a wicked person. That’s my opinion though

@holaschicas Absolutely, I'd be really really worried about any child with an adult in their life who spoke about them that way.

It would not be remotely OK if it was the child's mother.

For obvious reasons, I think it's far less common when it's someone talking about their own child, because the negative feelings tend to be mixed in with lots of love as well. I am aware that there are some very fucked up parents who don't love or care for their own children - I think it is less common though.

I would be thinking that a mum who spoke about her own child like that needed an urgent social services referral for the child's sake.

No child should grow up being described or treated like that by an adult whose home they live in (part or full time). It is heartbreaking that so many do.

The difference is that when it's a stepchild, firstly there's not necessarily any love for the child underneath the negative feelings, secondly there is often a lot of hostility towards the child because they represent the relationship with the ex, and finally there is a choice involved in being in that relationship (with the child).

And it's not that easy to put your own child in care. Whereas with a stepchild, the solution is much easier - you can extricate yourself from that relationship. And as a parent I would not put my child in that position of having to be around someone who hates them. So I think the dad is a shit dad.

Do you know what else parents can do that Step parents apparently can't?
Go on an adult holiday for an actual rest without the child and without anyone stating that obviously they must hate the child. 🙄

That isn't what this part of the conversation was about. At all. I and several other posters were discussing specific posts by a different poster which I believe have now been deleted, which clearly showed a very worrying attitude towards their stepchild. Nothing to do with going on holiday.

Sorry you missed that, but there is no need to jump in to the middle of a discussion between other people and post eyeroll emojis.

It being deleted is not an indication it was actually worrying, let’s not be misleading. The poster just described the children as really spoilt and didn’t seem fond of them, she didn’t say anything abusive.

I don't know why it was deleted - I didn't report it. Presumably someone else found it disturbing, and presumably Mumsnet agreed.

It wasn't directly abusive but to me, yes, it was extremely worrying to read that level of venom and disgust expressed towards a child that lives with her. She described the child as 'entitled' and 'dripping with new clothes/gadgets'.

'Dripping' is a horrible word which clearly communicates a sense of disgust and contempt. It is never used positively. There are many, many alternative ways to express the same belief that a child has too many new clothes/toys without using a word like that.

There was also the implication that the entire family life is a battle of power/will- 'do this or your partner and their child will walk all over you'. Adults should not be engaging in power struggles and trying to 'win' in this way. It's not a healthy dynamic at all.

And there was not one word or hint of any feeling of kindness, warmth, closeness, or any kind of positive feeling whatsoever. Not one tiny sense that the negativity, disgust and hostility was in any way tempered by ever enjoying each other's company for a moment.

That is, I hope, not typical of relationships between step parents and step children, and it shouldn't be defended or normalised. It wouldn't be defended or normalised if it were a mother speaking about her own child, and nor should it be.

As I said above, no child should have to live with an adult - whether parent, step parent, grandparent, nanny, whatever - who feels that way about them. I was pointing out to the 'eyerolling' poster that we were not discussing the OP at that point.

No need to apologise, I didn't miss it.
It's OP's thread so thought I'd mention her issue briefly. It's not as if you can argue that what I said was incorrect. Previous posters have said it over and over that she must hate the child to want a break.
And now I shall shrug.
🤷‍♀️

I don't know why it was deleted - I didn't report it. Presumably someone else found it disturbing, and presumably Mumsnet agreed.

It said the poster withdrew it at their own request. And I think it's high time we stop using "Mumsnet agreed it was disturbing" as a stick to beat people with. Mumsnet will pretty much delete anything anyone reports, it doesn't have to actually be an attack these days.

And yes there was nothing positive in that comment. But yes that can be normalised and defended - because we have no idea what the circumstances are. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that that poster should be feeling warmer than she does, her step children could have been absolutely horrendous to her. Whether it was a step mum or a mum posting, I would first try and establish what the actual behaviour and situation was like before berating them for not seeming warm enough.