Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

They have though , repeatedly 💁🏼‍♀️.

I’m glad to hear this position being disavowed however, since it implies a recognition that step parents are responsible for considering their step children’s needs and best interests.

Perhaps it would have been in the child's best interests if the parents had not split up.

@Liorae
I hope that was said with sarcasm…you could keep going back in that parents had never met, parents had never been born, etc. You can’t live like that.

@Tandora
Every step parent and situation is different….and we can’t possibly be seen to step on mums toes so HOW do you think a SM should behave to shoe they care but aren’t trying to play mum.

People, deciding what is best for themselves and for their family units. It’s pretty self explanatory.

They don’t have an obligation, no. That’s on the actual parents. Within the law, people get to decide for themselves how best to conduct their personal relationships. It’s not for me to tell anyone how they should be living their lives and running their families.

What’s that got to do with anything?

My point was a child is included in the “family unit”, and affected by these decisions, but does not get a say. so, no , this is not a case of “people deciding what is best for themselves”.

Yes, I understand your position perfectly, I’ve heard it many times .

Yes , it’s hard. But I think it’s possible to be a good step parent without stepping on toes. Not wanting to “step on toes” doesn’t give step parents a free ride to exclude their step children , and pretend they aren’t part of their family.

It haa to do with the apparent belief on this thread that a step mother should put the best interests of her stepchild first when the actual parents dud not.

If you think it’s in the best interests of children to grow up witness (and subject) to a deeply unhappy marriage, you couldn’t be more wrong

I used to pray for my parents divorce and was completely relieved when they finally separated.

*My point was a child is included in the “family unit”, and affected by these decisions, but does not get a say. so, no , this is not a case of “people deciding what is best for themselves”.

Yes, I understand your position perfectly, I’ve heard it many times*

And we all understand yours, we've heard it many times, in fact you've followed us across threads against site guidelines to continue to repeat your position to us.

But no matter how many times you repeat it, it doesn't change the fact that you are talking about people's real families that are already functioning happily and efficiently, and telling them they are wrong, despite everyone involved being happy and all you really have is your own gut feeling.

I have a step daughter. She’s an adult now, in her 30’s and we’ve always included her in everything since she was little. It’s really hard because me and DH have 3 children and she often used to be really upset leaving after a stay at ours knowing her siblings had their dad. We’ve never been on a family holiday abroad and were in a slightly different position in that her mum wouldn’t let her come anyway. It’s really hard as I see your point but she’s your partners child too. Would you leave one if your children at home?

Followed you across threads 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. I assure you I have much better things to do with my time, and you are not that interesting to me.

Im not telling you your family is wrong, I know nothing of your family.

I am simply pointing out that in any family situation - blended or nuclear, the needs and feelings of children are paramount. When parents get remarried and have more children , it is an acutely sensitive time for kids, and they often need reassurance that they still matter, that they are still a part of the family and loved just as much as their new half siblings. You say there’s zero onus on the step parent here- I disagree- That’s all.

@Tandora That is certainly not all, you've wasted no time telling us all how outrageous we are for things far beyond just considering the SC's feelings, and refused to accept it when we've told you that we have considered their feelings and certain things (such as going on holiday) are fine despite that.

And by following across threads, I mean you have extensively brought up the conversation we had on a finished thread on a totally different one. How would you describe what you've done here?

I was in your position last year (step daughter was 7) where I wanted a stress free holiday as well. Luckily we have a caravan so we could go on holiday all 4 of us but then we managed to have 2 holidays without her, 1 when her mum took her away (during school term) and another during school term also. Each of those were with our parents where we knew she would be bored if she came. If we didn't have the caravan I would have had to say we are going in term time so it would be cheaper, quieter and just the 3 of us because like you I was paying!
Not easy being the bread winner, mom and step mom.

People have followed across threads, nobody else has mentioned adopting DSC instead of them going into care. It’s irrelevant to the OP.

This thread has become a ridiculous bunfight, OP is probably sorry she asked.
And she's still not wrong to want an adult centred holiday in any case.

@Yousee Op ran away about a fortnight ago. But the posters keep rattling on.

It would have been a very different thread if she'd made it clear in her opening post that this holiday was in addition to various UK family orientated holidays.

That is certainly not all, you've wasted no time telling us all how outrageous we are for things far beyond just considering the SC's feelings, and refused to accept it when we've told you that we have considered their feelings and certain things (such as going on holiday) are fine despite that

I don’t accept I’ve done that.

And by following across threads, I mean you have extensively brought up the conversation we had on a finished thread on a totally different one. How would you describe what you've done here

I explained why I brought that up, and I think it was legitimate. I don’t accept that I brought it up “extensively”, I merely replied to those who directed false assertions and questions my way. (For example, you are bringing it up again now, and I am responding).

I see little point in engaging in a personal row with me. If we are both in agreement that Step parents have responsibility to consider the feelings and needs of their step childten, then we are in agreement anyway.

I would just do it for this holiday and get your partner to chip in - no point arguing and undoing a decision made. Future holidays this maternity year, book in the cheap term time (make sure it's not near towards Xmas or when they do annual plays etc) and make clear to your partner its a cheap holiday they can take advantage of when kids are under 5. Either that or he stump up the difference and the cost and if too high will result in not going. But balance your view by putting the shoe on the other foot if you in the future had (touch wood does not happen) separated and your son was 8 and you had a new born with your new partner who did not want your 8 year old for cited reasons you've made. Are you sure you'd be happy with that position?

@SoWhoDecidedThat
I can understand your point about it OP was separated with a newborn but I do think it’s relevant/makes a different that DSD doesn’t live with them.

I agree. All the "how could you leave them behind" chatter is manipulative nonsense. You could just as easily say you "left them behind" if you went out for dinner when they were with their mum.
"You should have booked somewhere with softplay, you married a man with a child, you have no right to peaceful dinners in nice places, how could you leave child behind, you sound so cold..." Blah blah blah.
The dinner was not for children. The dinner was arranged for when child was at their main home.

Firstly, the decidion made was that dsd is staying. Secondly, but dp had no money to chop in. Thirdly, how do you know OP can afford another holiday, a abd maybe she wanys a lovely holiday with baby i on the sun, why would she have to compromise and spent one entertaining someone else's kid and then have a to fork out for another one just for the exes convenience?

Wow. This is heartless. Please don’t procreate!