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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Xarrie · 04/04/2023 20:25

I would expect you to bring her home. YABVU

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:25

Dixiechickonhols · 04/04/2023 20:13

I assume Op is dashing off to emergency and not returning home so can’t take child home.
It sounds like Op has done them a favour and taken child away for a week. Obviously emergencies can happen eg if Op had been rushed to hospital.
I can understand them not wanting child looked after by a stranger (dsd and bf) so if not they should accept offer of transport or if they don’t want to use public transport collect.

OP isn't rushing off anywhere - she could perfectly well take the girls home tonight and go to her emergency tomorrow, it wouldn't make any difference.

I think she doesn't want to disappoint her own daughter and that's why she has arranged for them all to stay. And now she's made arrangements she doesn't want to change them.

She should have checked with the parents before making arrangements with the step daughter. What a ten year old wants is not really relevant - they are too young and naive to realise why it might not be a great idea.

Putting a 10 year old on a 4 hour train journey alone probably would risk a charge of endangerment.

jaqueandjill · 04/04/2023 20:26

Talk of kidnapping and the police is OTT, but I'd be so pissed off. I wouldn't want my DD being looked after by some random bloke, and I wouldn't want her travelling on public transport for several hours either. Which would leave me no alternative but to collect her myself.

ShandaLear · 04/04/2023 20:26

No, they’re in your charge. You bring them back with you. I’m quite relaxed about parenting, but I wouldn’t want 23 year olds I’ve never met looking after my primary school aged kids a 2/4 hour drive away. Not a chance.

Persipan · 04/04/2023 20:26

I think we all agree that the police thing is clearly nonsense. Leaving that aside, though, I do think you're being unreasonable here. Of course the group of children are all perfectly happy with this arrangement, but really I think the only appropriate options here, as others have suggested, would be another trusted parent from the group taking over for you, or you taking all the girls home and heading off to your emergency afterwards. I get that you don't want to disappoint them, and I get that your stepdaughter isn't some rando to you, so I can see that you've tried to sort things out for everyone and 'fix' the problem, but unilaterally deciding that she (and her boyfriend) are taking over for you was an overreach. And you are not being reasonable expecting an unaccompanied child to make a lengthy, unfamiliar trip on public transport.

Bimblybomeyelash · 04/04/2023 20:26

I’d be highly pissed off if it was my 10 year old. I’d be happy for them to spend a week away with the parent of a friend. But it would be a big deal and I’d still worry about them and I know they’d miss me. They wouldn’t be happy if that parent up’d and left and was replaced with a 23 year old. And neither would I! It’s a shame that you have an emergency to deal with, but offering to send a child home on public transport isn’t a reasonable solution, and it is totally understandable that the parent may also be unhappy with the 23 year old sibling solution. Them calling the police is disproportionate, but you should still be acknowledging their concern and apologising.

ChickenDhansak82 · 04/04/2023 20:27

You are giving parents the choice of leaving their child with a 23 year old and her boyfriend that they don't know, getting their child dumped on public transport, or parents needing to do an 8 hour round trip to get them, and you wonder why they're kicking off?!?!?

I would be beyond furious!

Regardless of the emergency, you have a duty of responsibility and have massively failed here.

This better be a darn good emergency, although if you had time to post on here it can't be that serious!

NumberTheory · 04/04/2023 20:27

IForgotMyUsernameAgain · 04/04/2023 20:10

It's pretty weird that so many people are focused on the fact that DSD is 23. Lots of 23 year olds have children. And it's not like 10 year olds need constant supervision like a toddler.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for OP to ask a family member to step in during an emergency. If the other parents don't like it, they can come and collect their kid.

Yes!

Teachers in school, taking kids on school trips could be 23. It's hardly an immature age worthy of automatic distrust.

cadburyegg · 04/04/2023 20:27

The other parents are being dramatic but YABU to have presented this ridiculous solution as a great alternative rather than asking them what they would prefer to do.

Whatever the family emergency, you need to put the children you're responsible for first, even if that means driving them all home.

SnoringPains · 04/04/2023 20:27

YABU but I would either offer to come and stay with the kids myself if I could, or I would come and pick them up if you genuinely couldn’t bring them home for whatever reason. Also depends on what the emergency is as to how annoyed I’d be. Would definitely not want my child on public transport alone, but I wouldn’t be accusing you of kidnap, that is a bit much.

LumpyandBumps · 04/04/2023 20:27

Equinoxsox · 04/04/2023 20:20

If I was letting someone else take my child on holiday I'm pretty sure the thought would have briefly crossed my mind that there's a small possibility I'd have to collect them in an emergency or illness etc and I would have factored that in to my decision to let them go.
Yanbu. If they don't like your 2 offers of alternative arrangements due to an unforessen family emergency they need to come and collect their child.

I agree with this. I always used the same logic for school trips, and even local sleepovers.
OP has been good enough to take them away, and couldn’t have anticipated an emergency occurring. It is an unfortunate situation, which requires a degree of tolerance all round.
I don’t think another adult stepping in is ideal, but it is possibly better than all the children missing out on their holiday. OP seems to be doing the best she can in the circumstances.

itsgettingweird · 04/04/2023 20:27

I'm amazed at the number of people saying YABU.

You've had an unforeseen emergency.

You've made alternative arrangements with various options.

The other parents seemed happy for you to assume loco parentis and so they need to accept under that you've acted how you felt best.

I'd have been grateful for you taking my child in the first place!

Viviennemary · 04/04/2023 20:27

No no no. You need to look after the children for the rest of the time yourself as you arranged. You cant just take off in the middle of it. You are committed to this trip. The family emergency will have to cope without you till you get back.

Shoemadlady · 04/04/2023 20:28

Would the parents have let their young daughters go if they knew that your DD and BF were in charge? I doubt it. I wouldn't.
You moved the goalposts so whilst they might be a tad too angry you need to fix it and stick to your side of the bargain which was taking them / staying / getting them home

ArcticSkewer · 04/04/2023 20:28

Nope, you need to put those kids first, and find out what the parents want, then do it. They want them bringing home? Then you do that first then attend to the family emergency.

Smokingonthestairs · 04/04/2023 20:29

I think YAB very U
you said you’d take responsibility, that means you personally.

Aturnipforthebooks · 04/04/2023 20:29

@SnackSizeRaisin

I agree with your take on this. Op just didn't want to be the bad guy and disappoint the kids.

There's no way I would want my 10 year old being looked after overnight by a couple I had never met.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/04/2023 20:30

Nah sorry but you took them away, so its your responsibility to bring them back or to take care of them. You've assumed a duty of care to these children and you can't just pawn them off on someone else without their parents permission. I agree with this. You can't expect parents to be okay with putting a 10 - 12 yo on public transport for hours, that's very irresponsible. For the dc whose parents are okay with a younger responsible adult looking after them (assuming the other parents know her), fine, but you have to respect the parents who aren't okay with it and take the child home yourself. You've taken on a big responsibility and can't just walk away.

Gladiaterf · 04/04/2023 20:31

Sorry but YABU.

You need to take the kids home if their parents are not happy, and then go on to deal with your family emergency.

I wouldn't be happy with my 10yo going on unfamiliar public transport alone or being left with strangers I knew nothing about.

Thepossibility · 04/04/2023 20:31

I'd be worried about my DD if I was them. She's already away in a strange place and now her chaperone is leaving and being replaced by two strangers.
I would feel a bit panicked too.
I would probably go and get my child but they might be unable to which would add to the panicked feeling no doubt.

Brainfogmcfogface · 04/04/2023 20:31

Yabu. The children are your responsibility not your dsd (regardless of her age) I wouldn’t want someone I don’t know looking after my daughter. You should take the child home.

Pubesofsoberness · 04/04/2023 20:31

If I wasn't happy with it I'd go and pick them up myself

amylou8 · 04/04/2023 20:32

I think unless someone is about to die you need to take the kid home. Her mum is being melodramatic but I wouldn't be happy with my 10 year old being left with a man I'd never met either.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:33

samqueens · 04/04/2023 20:20

Why aren’t any of them volunteering to come and help cover your absence or add additional hands in the circumstances?!

YANBU (and I says that as someone who probably wouldn’t want someone I didn’t know looking after my DD in that situation, but also as someone who would help out/collect if I was unhappy)

Maybe they have jobs or other children? Maybe they don't have a car? It may be that the other parent could go and collect if it was desperate, but is reluctant to do an 8 hour round trip with their 3 younger children? Who knows but it's not strange that no one is available at 1 days notice

I also wonder why neither the 23 year old DSD nor her boyfriend have a job or any other commitments.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/04/2023 20:34

Op hasn’t said where emergency is though. If it was at/near home then surely she’d just take kid home enroute to emergency and not have this dilemma.

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