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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 04/04/2023 20:01

I'd say it depends what your family emergency is on whether they are being unreasonable.

You offered to take their daughter away and return her. If someone is critically ill or dying that's a family emergency and not something you can do anything about, should take precedence and they should come and collect their daughter. I wouldn't be happy with someone's daughter's boyfriend who I didn't know looking after my daughter overnight - even if his girlfriend is there, so I would come and collect her.

If your emergency is something you have a choice about then you are being unreasonable in choosing to leave the girls.

MrMarkham · 04/04/2023 20:01

I agree it's about what the emergency is. Did you explain what it was to the parents? If that was me, and it was a complete genuine emergency I would be doing everything I could to collect my child and relieve you of the burden so you could do what you needed to do. If it was something I didn't consider to be an emergency but you wanted to leave anyway, I would be polite and still do everything I could to collect my child rather than them stay with people I didn't know, but I would be privately slightly annoyed.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:02

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/04/2023 19:46

But OP has offered the cover the costs of safe public transport back. Or for the parents to collect their child. I understand that this is far from ideal, but OP has let everyone know. Has a contingency plan and is happy to cover costs to reunite children.

I'm assuming this is a mega emergency.

Show quote history

Public transport for a lone ten year old for a 4 hour journey? Or an 8 hour round trip to collect. No that isn't reasonable. OP should drive the child home herself, or stay.

Jackiebrambles · 04/04/2023 20:02

marrymeadam · 04/04/2023 20:00

I went to boarding school and travelled on trains from Penzance to Bristol for weekends and half terms from the age of 10. Kids these days don't even get the chance to show they can manage things like travel by themselves

I agree however doing this unexpectedly when the kid is 10 and might not even have a phone, or have been prepared to do it by a trusted parent, is a bit much! I know plenty of 10/11 year olds who don’t go anywhere alone.

diddl · 04/04/2023 20:02

Why couldn't you bring them back & then go on to the emergency?

Did you ask the parents what they wated or decide for them?

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 04/04/2023 20:02

NoodleNuts · 04/04/2023 19:44

I think that YABU. You took your daughters friends away, their parents were happy for you to do that. You are now leaving them in the care of a 23yr old and her boyfriend, who presumably the other parents don't know.

You are responsible for these kids, you either have to stay with them or bring them home. I would be fuming if I was the parent of one of those girls.

I totally agree I’d be very upset about my 10-12 year old being left with some one else while the person I trusted them with leaves them.

maddening · 04/04/2023 20:02

What is your family emergency?

Why can't you take that child home prior to managing your family emergency?

XanaduKira · 04/04/2023 20:03

I'm on the fence - I can understand your dilemma (assuming it's a genuine emergency) and you've made what you consider to be reasonable alternative arrangements, however if it was my DC, I'd be fuming and expect you to bring them home if that's what I wanted.

DonnaRix · 04/04/2023 20:03

I think there is unreasonableness on both sides, for the reasons already outlined.

what I would say, however, is that I wouldn’t let my child go away somewhere if I wasn’t prepared to go and pick them up myself (or to facilitate their return myself if I was t able to drive). I have a 9 year old and I’d need to know that I could get to her if I needed to.

neilyoungismyhero · 04/04/2023 20:03

cansu · 04/04/2023 19:46

They need to pick her up. However it is poor on your part to change the arrangements.

It's obviously a huge emergency what is she supposed to do?

TheIsaacs · 04/04/2023 20:04

Why can’t you take them home? I’d be furious if you were leaving my child with someone I didn’t know and my child didn’t know.

MrMarkham · 04/04/2023 20:04

I think telling them your daughter and boyfriend would take over is just inflaming things to be honest, if it's so serious then the whole thing should have been called off.

Duvetdweller · 04/04/2023 20:04

If I was friendly enough with someone that I’d take their 10 year old away for a few nights I’d expect them to at least have an idea who my DSD was and be sympathetic! I’d have probably offered to come and look after them myself so you could sort out your emergency. MN is nuts. YANBU.

Aphrathestorm · 04/04/2023 20:04

It's your responsibility to get that child home.

budgiegirl · 04/04/2023 20:05

YABU, depending on the nature of the emergency. I appreciate you've had a family emergency, but as you are not leaving until tomorrow, could you not bring home the children this evening?

I do think the other parents are being a bit over the top, threatening the police and calling it kidnap, but I do think they have a point that you are responsible for their kids. Offering to put their child on public transport isn't really good enough.

That said, I'd probably just suck it up and come and collect my child. But I'd be a bit annoyed that you had refused to . The only exception would be an emergency that required you to leave straight away - then I'd be much more sympathetic.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:06

OneTC · 04/04/2023 19:57

Might be flying somewhere and that's the first flight

Show quote history

She can drive the child tonight then

DannyZukosSmile · 04/04/2023 20:07

romdowa · 04/04/2023 19:43

Nah sorry but you took them away, so its your responsibility to bring them back or to take care of them. You've assumed a duty of care to these children and you can't just pawn them off on someone else without their parents permission.

This. ^ YOU said you would look after their child @Salemtrust and because something else has 'come up' you are palming their daughter off on someone else. Maybe it IS your young adult daughter, but so what? That was NOT the deal. I'd be furious to be honest. Calling the police is clearly OTT, but I would be coming to get her, and would never let her in your 'care' again ever. I would also warn other parents about you, and your irresponsible behaviour.

mrsm43s · 04/04/2023 20:08

Whilst I think they're being dramatic, I think you are in the wrong here.

You are in charge of their young child.

It is not OK to abdicate that responsibility to a 23 year old woman and man who are complete strangers to the child and their parents. In fact, regardless of age or gender, I wouldn't want my 10-12 year old in the charge of two complete strangers to me and them.

It is not OK to expect a child of 10-12 to make an unfamiliar long journey on their own on public transport.

The only reasonable courses of action for you are to either

  1. Stay with the children as promised and not deal with the family emergency.
  2. Drop the children back this evening and continue on with dealing your family emergency tomorrow as planned. Why can't you do that? It's a 4hr round trip - leave now you'll be back by midnight.
AFlockOfTigers · 04/04/2023 20:08

If the parents do have a car then the best answer is probably for them to rendezvous with you half way to collect their DD, that way both you and them only have a two hour drive (I'm assuming by 4 hour drive you mean 2 hours each way?)

batsandeggs · 04/04/2023 20:09

Threatening with the police is ridiculous. However, these are pretty young kids and I wouldn’t be happy at all with your proposals. I would expect you to bring my child home, but in the absence of that would arrange for pick up myself. Offering to pay for public transport back is an absolute joke, to be quite frank.

IForgotMyUsernameAgain · 04/04/2023 20:10

It's pretty weird that so many people are focused on the fact that DSD is 23. Lots of 23 year olds have children. And it's not like 10 year olds need constant supervision like a toddler.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for OP to ask a family member to step in during an emergency. If the other parents don't like it, they can come and collect their kid.

SummerHouse · 04/04/2023 20:11

If my child went anywhere, I would want to have a plan for picking them up if I needed to.

If I took a child anywhere, I would offer bring them home if I could no longer look after them.

Is there a reason you can't drop child back and a reason they can't pick up. If no and no then it's a case of both sides BU.

diddl · 04/04/2023 20:11

Did you ask if any other parents could take over?

IamKlaus · 04/04/2023 20:11

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/04/2023 19:46

But OP has offered the cover the costs of safe public transport back. Or for the parents to collect their child. I understand that this is far from ideal, but OP has let everyone know. Has a contingency plan and is happy to cover costs to reunite children.

I'm assuming this is a mega emergency.

Show quote history

What is safe public ttransport for a 10 to 12 year girl alone 4 hours from home?

Of course OP is BVU. You can't bring young children away and then fuck off and leave them with someone else, including an unknown man, and then tell the parents "tough shit, its your problem to do an 8 hr round trip because I am abandoning your kid".

If you have a serious family emergency, you pack up and take those kids home and then deal with your emergency.

Howdoesitworkagain · 04/04/2023 20:11

YABVU.

It’s not on to expect all the parents to be ok with this alternative arrangement. I definitely wouldn’t want my daughters to be in the care of a 23yo and her boyfriend that I’d never even met.

Absolutely unacceptable to put them on public transport alone for a journey that long.

It can’t be that urgent if you’re not leaving immediately…

You should take the girl home before going on to do whatever it is you need to do (which is non-urgent enough that it can wait until tomorrow anyway…)

When you take other people’s kids away, you assume personal responsibility for them, and you have to err even more on the side of caution than you would with your own children for the fact that they’re not yours.