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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
2023andme · 04/04/2023 20:34

YABU. You need to take the child back.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/04/2023 20:34

Teachers in school, taking kids on school trips could be 23. It's hardly an immature age worthy of automatic distrust. completely different, a teacher is crb checked, known by parents and teachers, trusted by the school community and trained in safeguarding. What an odd comparison.

Persipan · 04/04/2023 20:34

Thinking about it, I'm also curious as to the nature of the event on Thursday, and just how many girls we're talking about here. Because corralling a group of excited children around whatever-it-is could be a task too far even if your stepdaughter and her boyfriend are otherwise unimpeachable babysitters.

MILLYmo0se · 04/04/2023 20:34

My big issue would be the fact you spoke to the children about your proposal, you should have spoken to all the parents first to see what comprimise ye could have all come to including another parent travelling to to you to take over or you taking the girls back at least half way. You are in a different situation to every other parent, your child is not being left with a stranger, you should have spoken to the other parents, not presented it to them as a 'this is what Ive decided is happening'. Obviously you may not be thinking clearly as you are worried about the emergency, and you didnt want to disappoint the children so I can totally see how you clutched at this as a solution, but hand on heart would you actually be happy if this were your daughter being left with people she doesnt know. The police threat is nonsense and ridiculous but i can see why people are annoyed

fridaytwattery · 04/04/2023 20:34

As there are a group of kids with you @Salemtrust I would assume the parents know you reasonably well enough to have made a judgement on the level of care you would provide. Unless they know your 23 year old DD and her boyfriend reasonably well too, then I can understand they feel very uncomfortable with the change.

Police involvement is extremely unlikely, and as a parent I'd only agree to my kid going away if I could retrieve them if needed. There's certainly some thinking to be had on both sides here with regards to responsibility.

Travis1 · 04/04/2023 20:35

🤣🤣 aw this thread has brightened my evening. YANBU op. It is what it is. You have a situation and solution. If they are not happy tough titty. Hope your family situation is resolved as quickly/easily as possible

Passthechocolatesplease · 04/04/2023 20:35

You should stay with the children as arranged, it’s quite ridiculous to think you can do anything else.
If you really can’t stay you should take them all home.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 04/04/2023 20:35

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/04/2023 19:46

But OP has offered the cover the costs of safe public transport back. Or for the parents to collect their child. I understand that this is far from ideal, but OP has let everyone know. Has a contingency plan and is happy to cover costs to reunite children.

I'm assuming this is a mega emergency.

Show quote history

Public transport??? Seriously they’re hours from home!!! And ten years old are you mad!!

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2023 20:36

How far away from your home do the family members having the emergency live?
There's no way you can drop their child home or meet them near to home and hand the child over?

Quveas · 04/04/2023 20:36

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/04/2023 19:46

But OP has offered the cover the costs of safe public transport back. Or for the parents to collect their child. I understand that this is far from ideal, but OP has let everyone know. Has a contingency plan and is happy to cover costs to reunite children.

I'm assuming this is a mega emergency.

Show quote history

Who said sticking a child on public transport was safe?

OP took responsibility for keeping children in their care safe. They need to do so. Not dump them on a convenient third party.

ThatsExyKim · 04/04/2023 20:38

If you only need to leave to deal with the emergency tomorrow why can’t you take the child home tonight?

What is the emergency?

I would not be happy with someone I hadn’t met looking after my child, especially overnight. It’s also not safe for a 10-11 year old to travel back alone on public transport, obviously.

Aturnipforthebooks · 04/04/2023 20:38

@EsmeSusanOgg

Define 'safe public transport'.

Whattt44 · 04/04/2023 20:39

What's the family emergency?

TheMatriarchy · 04/04/2023 20:39

You dont sound responsible enough to have taken away a group of 10 year olds in the first place. If its that much of an emergency you should be taking the children home first. And if any of the parents want to leave their children with some random 23 year old couple they have never met or know anything about then good luck to them.

MrMarkham · 04/04/2023 20:39

MILLYmo0se · 04/04/2023 20:34

My big issue would be the fact you spoke to the children about your proposal, you should have spoken to all the parents first to see what comprimise ye could have all come to including another parent travelling to to you to take over or you taking the girls back at least half way. You are in a different situation to every other parent, your child is not being left with a stranger, you should have spoken to the other parents, not presented it to them as a 'this is what Ive decided is happening'. Obviously you may not be thinking clearly as you are worried about the emergency, and you didnt want to disappoint the children so I can totally see how you clutched at this as a solution, but hand on heart would you actually be happy if this were your daughter being left with people she doesnt know. The police threat is nonsense and ridiculous but i can see why people are annoyed

Yes that's true, the first thing to do would be to contact each parent and say I've had a really serious emergency (assuming serious accident or sudden illness of close family member) which means I'm unable to stay with the children, I can't bring them home for the same reason - but my step daughter can take care of them, do you want that to happen or do you want to come and collect them? Is that what you did OP? It seems like you're prioritising the event on Thursday which shouldn't be a consideration in such a dire emergency situation that you'd have to leave young children who were in your care.

BeavisMcTavish · 04/04/2023 20:40

EsmeSusanOgg · 04/04/2023 19:46

But OP has offered the cover the costs of safe public transport back. Or for the parents to collect their child. I understand that this is far from ideal, but OP has let everyone know. Has a contingency plan and is happy to cover costs to reunite children.

I'm assuming this is a mega emergency.

Show quote history

You’re kidding right? A 4hr drive translates in to a 5-6 hr public transport with multiple changes on a train I imagine.

what world do some of you lot live in!

OP is bang out of order palming on some unknown (to the parents) 23year olds.

MintJulia · 04/04/2023 20:40

Family emergencies happen. I doubt you have chosen the circumstances.

You have offered three alternatives -stay, travel home on public transport or be collected - I don't think you can do more.

It is unfortunate but they need to find a compromise. Threatening the police is ridiculous.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:41

itsgettingweird · 04/04/2023 20:27

I'm amazed at the number of people saying YABU.

You've had an unforeseen emergency.

You've made alternative arrangements with various options.

The other parents seemed happy for you to assume loco parentis and so they need to accept under that you've acted how you felt best.

I'd have been grateful for you taking my child in the first place!

Completely disagree with you here. It's nice of op to take the girls away and I'm sure the parents were grateful. However that doesn't mean the op can just do whatever she likes!

Bananagirl23 · 04/04/2023 20:42

Sorry OP but you took on a duty of care with the girls - you can’t just ditch them. If it’s a genuine emergency you need to take them home first

Moveoverdarlin · 04/04/2023 20:42

I’d be really pissed off to be honest. There are now young girls being looked after by your stepdaughter (who I’m assuming the other parents don’t know) and her boyfriend. 23 is pretty young to be in charge of 10 to 12 year old girls. Assuming they’re not parents themselves? Would they be ok in an emergency? Is their car safe? Is the boyfriend responsible? Who even is he? Are they ok with picking up the tab for food, drinks etc? If anything happened to them and the authorities (police / fire / hospital) got involved, the girls parents look totally irresponsible. Their 10 year old is being cared for 4 hours away by two very young adults they’ve never bloody met. It’s a pretty piss poor show. I would get in the car and go and collect her immediately. But I have a car, the funds and could easily get time off work, many people might not be able to drop everything. You’ve reneged on the deal. Not them.

blackbeardsballsack · 04/04/2023 20:42

You are completely unreasonable. I would never allow my child, who is the same age, to be left in the care of someone who is a stranger to me, and their boyfriend. As other posters have said, you are able to take them home tonight. Your emergency obviously isn't urgent enough that you need to be wherever you feel you need to be until tomorrow.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 20:43

Desperatelywantinganother · 04/04/2023 19:46

You are being extremely unreasonable. I would be furious and you would never be left in charge of my child ever again.
But calling the police is not the right response. They need to come and pick up their daughter.

So you'd be furious if the parent you'd allowed to take your child away had a serious emergency and did their best to get your child looked after till you could get there? We don't know what happened but it must be pretty bad.

I happen to think it is always the parent of the child's responsibility to have a contingency in case of emergency. You always need to be able to do something to get to them

Misslizzie96 · 04/04/2023 20:44

I’m sorry you’ve had a family emergency but I do think it’s unreasonable to have arranged for them to stay in the care of a 23 year old and her boyfriend that other parents don’t know; however if it was me I’d just go pick up my own child and take them home and silently be very annoyed with you.

OMG12 · 04/04/2023 20:46

I’m sorry but you’re being unreasonable. Your primary responsibility is the children in your care. You can’t just leave other people’s kids with other (to them) young random people.

Maybe it’s not feasible for the parents to do that journey, cost, work etc. what was the event?

I agree you need to either stay or take the child home then go to your family emergency.

LlynTegid · 04/04/2023 20:46

I think at least the option of them returning with you should be there.