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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Threatening police, have I done anything wrong?

707 replies

Salemtrust · 04/04/2023 19:20

I've taken Dd and some of her friends(10-12) away for the week. Unfortunately I've had family emergency come up today and am going to have to leave tomorrow to help. Dsd (23) and her bf have offered to come and take over. The girls all seen more than happy with this, they have an event on Thursday which was the whole reason for the trip and want to stay.
I've called the other parents to let them know and one parent was furious and said that they don't want someone else looking after their child and that I need to either stay or bring their child home.
I've said they are welcome to come and get their child (4hour drive) and I'm happy to arrange and pay to send her home on public transport but I can't stay or bring her home so if not she will come home Friday as planned. They are now threatening to call the police saying its kidnap and endangerment and I've changed the terms they agreed to send their child on.
Have I do a anything wrong? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
dietcokelime · 04/04/2023 20:11

You're BU 100%.

You've got a group of 10-12 year olds, 4 hours from home and are now leaving for an "emergency". Having a 23 year old and BF turn up to oversee is totally not the same as someone's mum being there, so you have changed the terms parents agreed to. Regardless of someone at 23 having children (not bloody 10-12 year olds!) that's not what people agreed to when sending their children off. I think the idea of dumping children on public transport is dangerous too tbh for a long journey (which is probably unfamiliar).

I think you need to stay, or bring them all home with you overnight / tomorrow. If it's that much of an "emergency" then surely taking everyone home makes sense then you can deal with the issue at hand.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 04/04/2023 20:12

I’m sorry you’ve had a family emergency but I’d not be happy for either of the options you’ve provided. IMO a child between 10 and 12 is too young to make that journey by themselves. And they’ve given permission for you to take their child away and trust you not other people they don’t know.
Id personally drive and pick them up but only because I can - I can drive, afford the petrol, potentially take time off work, not had a drink (depending on the notice you’ve given), don’t have other responsibilities that cannot be covered by my husband.
personally I think you should take them back tonight.

Rowthe · 04/04/2023 20:12

YABU.

I wouldnt be happy for my kids to be left with a random bloke I dont know.

With regards to pick up, again I think it should be you who brings them home.

Dixiechickonhols · 04/04/2023 20:13

I assume Op is dashing off to emergency and not returning home so can’t take child home.
It sounds like Op has done them a favour and taken child away for a week. Obviously emergencies can happen eg if Op had been rushed to hospital.
I can understand them not wanting child looked after by a stranger (dsd and bf) so if not they should accept offer of transport or if they don’t want to use public transport collect.

Glitterandmud · 04/04/2023 20:13

I'd expect you to take all the kids home tonight and go to your emergency tomorrow, or ask one of the other parents to go and swap with you. I'd be happier knowing another parent of the group was going down than people I don't know.

4 hr drive so leave now and you'll all be home by 1am which is late but not ridiculous in an emergency situation.

Zingy123 · 04/04/2023 20:15

It's your responsibility to bring the child home. You took them so they are under your care.

ditalini · 04/04/2023 20:15

YABU sorry.

One of the other parents tag teaming to let the trip continue, or all the girls coming home tonight to let you deal with the emergency are the only reasonable options imo.

Sure, if the parents had all agreed to dsd stepping in then fine, but they haven't so you need to just pull the plug on the trip or take the one child whose parents objected home.

It wasn't great to present dsd as a fait acompli imo and putting a child on a minimum 2hr public transport journey alone is a ridiculous suggestion.

jeaux90 · 04/04/2023 20:16

YABU no way I'd be happy with this, my daughter staying with a random bloke i don't know, no.

My daughter travelling back on public transport, no.

The only option would be to drive down and pick her up, which quite rightly would piss off any parent too.

GrasstrackGirl · 04/04/2023 20:17

YABU, it's your responsibility.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/04/2023 20:18

IForgotMyUsernameAgain · 04/04/2023 20:10

It's pretty weird that so many people are focused on the fact that DSD is 23. Lots of 23 year olds have children. And it's not like 10 year olds need constant supervision like a toddler.

I think it is perfectly reasonable for OP to ask a family member to step in during an emergency. If the other parents don't like it, they can come and collect their kid.

A 23 year old may have a child themselves but that is their own child. I wouldn't leave my child with a 23 year old I didn't know - especially one that didn't have children!
Anyway I don't think it's better if they are being left with a 50 year old maiden aunt and her unknown boyfriend either really...

WonderingWanda · 04/04/2023 20:19

The parents are being very dramatic with the language of kidnapping etc. However, I think they do have a right to be a little upset. In the event of a very sudden emergency e.g your child being rushed into hospital then emergency childcare from people not know to the other parents would have to be fine.
It sounds like your emergency might not be quite as urgent as the word emergency suggests if you don't need to leave immediately. However, urgent situations come up and can't be helped (I hope everything is ok). You've decided to leave some very young adults unknown to these parents in charge of their children rather than bring them all home and that isn't what the parents signed up for sp I think they do have a right to be a bit worried. Is the child in question is 10, 11 or 12? This makes a big difference as to whether sending them home on public transport is an option. My 10 year old doesn't even walk home on her own yet and certainly couldn't cope with public transport. I wouldn't be thrilled at some unknown 20 somethings looking after a group of kids and taking them to an event but I would probably just come and get them myself. I assume the cross and overdramatic parents don't have that option.

PrincessScarlett · 04/04/2023 20:20

Sorry OP but you are responsible for these children and if one parent is not happy with the new arrangement then you need to take that child home first before you go off to your 'emergency' tomorrow.

Redebs · 04/04/2023 20:20

romdowa · 04/04/2023 19:43

Nah sorry but you took them away, so its your responsibility to bring them back or to take care of them. You've assumed a duty of care to these children and you can't just pawn them off on someone else without their parents permission.

Definitely this.

Bring all the children home if you gave an emergency.
And putting 10 yr olds on public transport alone? Ridiculous!

Equinoxsox · 04/04/2023 20:20

If I was letting someone else take my child on holiday I'm pretty sure the thought would have briefly crossed my mind that there's a small possibility I'd have to collect them in an emergency or illness etc and I would have factored that in to my decision to let them go.
Yanbu. If they don't like your 2 offers of alternative arrangements due to an unforessen family emergency they need to come and collect their child.

Nowthenhere · 04/04/2023 20:20

That's a terrible position to put some children in and their parents!
You put those children at risk of being vulnerable and have made decisions without involving their parents.
What happens if the boyfriend and your step daughter fall out/have an argument and the children are distressed about this?
Have the parents met the boyfriend? Have they made the decision that they are happy for their 10 year old child to be in his care overnight?

What an awful situation to throw this family into.

samqueens · 04/04/2023 20:20

Why aren’t any of them volunteering to come and help cover your absence or add additional hands in the circumstances?!

YANBU (and I says that as someone who probably wouldn’t want someone I didn’t know looking after my DD in that situation, but also as someone who would help out/collect if I was unhappy)

NumberTheory · 04/04/2023 20:21

I can see why parents might be unhappy with your solution. I think whether I was or not would depend on a whole host of factors.

But regardless, you are not proposing anything illegal. If they go to the police and tell them what you've written here the police will tell them to go and collect their child if they don't want the kid to stay with your Dsd.

All the best with your family emergency. I hope it's resolved quickly and with little harm. Flowers

DonnaRix · 04/04/2023 20:22

Equinoxsox · 04/04/2023 20:20

If I was letting someone else take my child on holiday I'm pretty sure the thought would have briefly crossed my mind that there's a small possibility I'd have to collect them in an emergency or illness etc and I would have factored that in to my decision to let them go.
Yanbu. If they don't like your 2 offers of alternative arrangements due to an unforessen family emergency they need to come and collect their child.

Yeah see I totally agree with this. If I couldn’t get to her myself, I wouldn’t have let her go.

cansu · 04/04/2023 20:22

We don't know the nature of the emergency but you could drive them home tonight and then go and do what you have to. I think I would be annoyed at a long drive at such short notice.

LadyLapsang · 04/04/2023 20:22

I think my reaction would depend on how well I knew you and your DSD and the nature of your emergency. You are in loco parentis and have a responsibility to act in the best interests of the children in your care. If I didn’t know you well and / or I didn’t think the nature of your emergency warranted you leaving them in the care of potential strangers, then I think I would be rather wary in the future. If, however, it was a genuine emergency, e.g. your DP or parents in a life threatening condition in intensive care, then I would come to collect my child and try to help you.

samqueens · 04/04/2023 20:22

Also will say it’s really nice of your DSD & her boyfriend to take over and that would definitely make me think well of them!

Smoky1107 · 04/04/2023 20:23

Do they know the lady your leaving them in charge of? I'd be concerned too you've changed the plans albeit not your fault.

AnonymousA1 · 04/04/2023 20:24

Newusernameaug · 04/04/2023 19:51

Public transport is NOT safe, especially for a young girl that age.
just walk down a street with a young girl and see how many disgusting pervs there are about!

Show quote history

Dramatic.

FilthyforFirth · 04/04/2023 20:24

I would come and collect my child, but I would be livid and you would never be in charge of my child again. Sorry but I would be distancing myself from you going forward. No way I would want some random and her boyfriend looking after my child.

trythisforsize · 04/04/2023 20:24

I wouldn't want my 10-12 year old daughter to be at the other end of the country and suddenly be looked after by your 22 year old stepdaughter and her boyfriend that I've never met.

Safeguarding issues right there.