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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step children calling my parents grandfather

248 replies

northeasrer · 04/04/2023 17:34

AIBU - my brother is in a relationship with a woman who had a kid that was about 12 when they meet. Let's call the kid Nancy. Not sure where the father is, but the mother is a piece of work.

Some time after they were in an established relationship Nancy started to call my parents granddad/nanna. Nancy has since had a few children, who call my parents Great grandfather/Nana etc.

My parents don't like being called that because they don't think of Nancy etc as their blood etc.

My brother has no blood children with the women and I don't think she calls my brother dad..... so why call my parents granddad etc.

OP posts:

Dancingonthemoonlight · 04/04/2023 18:47

Why are you so bothered? I don't call my step dad 'dad' but my children call him granddad. What's the issue?

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 04/04/2023 18:47

every step grandparent I know is called grandma/nana/grandad etc, including my step dad who my child calls grandad my own step grandparent who married my grandmother when my mum was an adult and a few other close friends with step parents. We’ve never used mum or dad for the step parent. I feel like you’re focusing on the person you don’t like rather than some innocent children

CharlotteStreetW1 · 04/04/2023 18:48

My brother's step daughter called my mum "Granny" and called my brother by his first name. And "Granny" treated her as a much loved granddaughter which is what she became. She is also in my will as my niece because that's how I see her.

Really don't see the problem and I think you and your parents are being rather unkind.

Queeniewag · 04/04/2023 18:48

Hi I call my stepdad by his name my children call him Gramps. No one thinks it’s odd.

kittensinthekitchen · 04/04/2023 18:48

Just saw you say that you're pregnant. Is this because you want to be the one to give the first grandchild/great grandchild?

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 18:49

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/04/2023 17:37

Not their blood??? Really? They’re kids FFS, they feel like part of the family, what are you going to do, tell them actually we don’t view you as a proper part of our family so don’t call us that. Mean, unnecessary, antediluvian nonsense.

I agree.

Treating children like this is awful!

MrsBellamy · 04/04/2023 18:50

My family situation would really shock you then!

I have 2 DC from my previous marriage, my DP has 2DC from his previous relationship.
Not only do my family treat my DSC as family but my exH family all of whom I am still very close to, treat me and DSC as family. To the extent that they even provide childcare for my DC and DSC together.

All of the kids have now kind of accepted my family, DPs family and exH family as grandparents/aunts/uncles but DSC still refer to me by my name rather than mum/stepmom and I wouldn't expect it any other way.

In my opinion grandparents and aunts/uncles are a very different relationship in terms of closeness than parents and that's why step-parents tend to get referred to by their name even when step-GPs are called gran/grandad etc.

I've rambled a bit but hope that makes sense.

I also agree that your family don't sound particularly nice, or welcoming to someone who has literally grown up with them and likely been in their lives for around 10? Years

IfuWannaBmyLover · 04/04/2023 18:51

Wow, how cold

i actually want to cry reading this. Those poor kids

Howtostart · 04/04/2023 18:52

My mum married my 'dad' 46 years ago..

He is called 'Fred' by me and grandad by my children because he is the only gf they have ever known ..

They both died last month within a week of each other .. their GRANDCHILDREN both BLOOD & NON BLOOD are speaking of their love at their joint funeral...

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 04/04/2023 18:52

Also you’ve asked if you’re being unreasonable. The overwhelming majority of people have said YABU so why are you arguing the case? Why ask it you’re so sure you’re not?

Toottooot · 04/04/2023 18:53

Peer geets.

CoalCraft · 04/04/2023 18:54

I don't think it's weird. My MIL doesn't call her stepmother "mum" but DH addresses her as "Nanny [name]" and so do my kids. How else should a small child address an elderly relative?

riotlady · 04/04/2023 18:55

It’s clear that you don’t like Natalie, which is fair enough. But I don’t know why you’re so invested in what Nancy calls your parents- it’s been a decade!! It’s absolutely not as weird as you think it is.

TorchwoodWho · 04/04/2023 18:55

Poor Nancy, you and your parents are the only 'pieces of work' here. I have a stepdad and would be ashamed of him and his family if they acted like you and your parents. Completely and utterly ashamed. Luckily he's a decent, kind person and will wax lyrical about his grandkids to anyone who will listen.

GingerScallop · 04/04/2023 18:56

From your post I thought "wow, op really doesn't like her brother's partner and at some point, she will clarify that she is a horrible woman". Then, hey presto!
Dont take it out on the poor lil kids though

Fuelledbycaffeine89 · 04/04/2023 18:57

Never called my step-mum, mum but called her parents Gran / grandad. Call her sisters Aunty, consider my auntys kids my cousins…

thxfully they all treated me like one of their own.

tachetastic · 04/04/2023 18:58

Why does it matter? The kids clearly love your parents. Celebrate that and encourage your parents to.

I'm guessing they don't call you Auntie!

AgentJohnson · 04/04/2023 18:59

Let me break it down for you OP. Nancy was 12 when your brother came on the scene and she chose not to call him dad (totally understandable and her choice, especially given her age). However, voor Nancy your parents are a step removed and it’s possible that makes calling your parents grandpa and grandma easier. If your parents take offence to being called grandparents by Nancy or great grandparents by Nancy’s children, then they should talk to their son.

I think you’ll find that most people would find Nancy’s behaviour as totally understandable.

WunWun · 04/04/2023 18:59

northeasrer · 04/04/2023 18:35

@iLiveALifeOfSin because it's clear that if they were blood grandparents, they wouldn't dare stop my brother or parents having any relationship with Nancy and her children.... yet because it's not blood, they do.

What do you mean they wouldn't dare? What are you talking about?

Diorama1 · 04/04/2023 19:00

I think this is possibly the only thread I have read here that had 7 pages of everyone telling the OP she is unreasonable.

Poor Nancy and her children to be landed with such an unfeeling family, ye should be ashamed of yourselves

Plumbear2 · 04/04/2023 19:00

I never call her step dad, dad, I say his name but to me his name means dad to me. My children call him grandad, because he is their grandad, he acts like one and they love him as one. I think it's a real shame when you don't accept them as real family after all this time

Andanotherone01 · 04/04/2023 19:00

You all sound absolutely lovely 🙄

Womencanlift · 04/04/2023 19:00

kittensinthekitchen · 04/04/2023 18:48

Just saw you say that you're pregnant. Is this because you want to be the one to give the first grandchild/great grandchild?

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Going to be even more obvious when your child is here that the Nancy and her kids are not ‘proper’ family. So sad to see in this day that people still hold these views about blended families

Imnoonesfool · 04/04/2023 19:01

northeasrer · 04/04/2023 18:12

That's unusual. Does he have a mum and no other step parents?

Show quote history

He has a mum, 2 sets of ‘blood’ grandparents, he is part of our family and has been since his was 5 years old, he is also my two children’s siblings. I would be pretty disappointed with my family if they in any way treated him any differently.