Page 10 | Step children calling my parents grandfather

northeasrer · 2023-04-04T16:34:28+00:00

AIBU - my brother is in a relationship with a woman who had a kid that was about 12 when they meet. Let's call the kid Nancy. Not sure where the father is, but the mother is a piece of work. Some time after they were in an established relationship Nancy started to call my parents granddad/nanna. Nancy has since had a few children, who call my parents Great grandfather/Nana etc. My parents don't like being called that because they don't think of Nancy etc as their blood etc. My brother has no blood children with the women and I don't think she calls my brother dad..... so why call my parents granddad etc.

Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:40

Rosebel · 05/04/2023 01:13

One minute your parents don't like it, the next they don't care. Either way it's nothing to do with you but try to be consistent at least.

Yes they don't like it and not enough to actually say anything, big difference.

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Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:41

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog my parents have no money so how can it be money related? My dad was the one who mentioned inheritance.

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Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:42

Whydothat · 05/04/2023 00:30

You sound very put out by this. It sounds like your parents have tried to appease you by saying what you want to hear.
Its perfectly normal for step children to call step parents by their first name yet have their children call them Nanny/Grandad.
It really has nothing at all to do with you, your parents could say something if they don't like it.

No they haven't. Remember they weren't allowed/didn't have access to the "great grandchildren" for 2 years.... all due to the mum.

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Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:43

JudgeRudy · 04/04/2023 23:43

I think it's unusual that Nancy would call your parents grandma and grandad given that she was 12 when they were introduced but not wrong. I'm assuming Nancy calls your brother Dad too. Again unusual but not wrong.
I think it's perfectly natural that Nancy's children would call your parents great grandma/grandad and your brother grandad. I'd also expect them to call you (g)auntie. If it's something any of you feel uncomfortable with maybe you should have spoke up sooner.

No she calls my brother by his first name.

Why do you think it's unusual that they call my parents grandfather? I'm just curious....

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Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:44

@JudgeRudy no they don't refer to any of us by those titles, they don't have a relationship with the rest of the family. We most live in England and they don't, so they don't see us.

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TheShellBeach · 05/04/2023 09:44

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:41

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog my parents have no money so how can it be money related? My dad was the one who mentioned inheritance.

What happened to the £130,000 you said they had?
You know, on the post you claimed your car was worth more than this?

Ariela · 05/04/2023 10:35

northeasrer · 04/04/2023 18:14

My parents are non confrontational

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Then tell Nancy that your parents really don't like it but obviously are far too polite to say anything, but it is causing distress and is there any way Nancy could change it?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 05/04/2023 12:04

Ariela · 05/04/2023 10:35

Then tell Nancy that your parents really don't like it but obviously are far too polite to say anything, but it is causing distress and is there any way Nancy could change it?

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Why would you suggest that? OP's parents are two cowardly to show their nastiness, so the children are at least oblivious. The OP is both nasty and happy to show it, so why encourage her to hurt the children?

Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 13:31

@TheShellBeach they are living in that house, it's not in a trust fund and they are living of their pensions. So when they require more intensive care, the house will most likely need to be sold. My siblings all work full time and don't live in the same country, so it's unlikely we can care for them.

So there is no big inheritance and I'm sure if my parents shared it with their own children as well as blood grandchildren, it's hardly worth any life changing sum for anyone....

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Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 13:35

MRex · 05/04/2023 06:43

You're letting your feelings about DB's wife get in the way of normal relationships in families. We have an adopted cousin in ours; to us he's cousin, to DS he's Uncle, his wife is Aunty, kids are cousins, grandparents Nan and Grandpa etc etc. Yet in your version of reality we aren't supposed to allow him or his kids to use family titles because they aren't "blood"? We are family, so we use the titles that fit to recognise that bond, and I'd be disgusted by anyone behaving otherwise. In your posts it's all about pushing them out, that they don't have a "right" to be called family. Your parents come across in this as very unpleasant, and so do you. I feel so sorry for those kids, but they'll see you for what you are eventually.

Adoption is different than being in a relationship with a family member. Adoption is the family choosing to have X enter their family, relationships it's just forced upon people.

And people are missing the point - when shes had an argument with my brother, Natalie cuts of contact.

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RagingWoke · 05/04/2023 14:21

And people are missing the point - when shes had an argument with my brother, Natalie cuts of contact.

How is that different to the same happening when it's biological children and grandchildren?
It's obvious you simply don't like these people and that's fine, you don't have to. But there's no need to be do blatantly mean to small children or push your parents to do so.

Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 15:02

@RagingWoke because she's doing it because it's not blood related. My brother isn't "blood dad" and as a result everyone suffers. She cuts of contact not because they are toxic, but because she's had a falling out with my brother.

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JudgeRudy · 05/04/2023 15:53

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 09:43

No she calls my brother by his first name.

Why do you think it's unusual that they call my parents grandfather? I'm just curious....

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I guess I think it's unusual (not necessarily wrong) but a relationship is generally established at birth/younger. At 12 she would have known full well that your parents had no blood tie to her. Calling your brother Dad is an 'honoury' title which I'm sure they were both happy about. As her children will have known your brother as Grandad from birth that seems 'normal'. Your parents by default would be GGPs.
My nieces and nephews called me Auntie when they were little but as teens just call me by my name however they would refer to me as my auntie.
I think generally there is some sort of agreement what someone is called if there's a step relationship. In your brothers shoes I would not have asked Nancy to call me Dad but if she had asked me I would have felt differently.

MRex · 05/04/2023 16:27

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 13:35

Adoption is different than being in a relationship with a family member. Adoption is the family choosing to have X enter their family, relationships it's just forced upon people.

And people are missing the point - when shes had an argument with my brother, Natalie cuts of contact.

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We didn't adopt the cousin, it's exactly the same actually. Your brother brought them into the family. As your mum/was brought each other into THEIR families. Think of any nieces and nephews, they just arrive through one side or the other, but we are both their aunt and uncle on both sides. It's no different. The only difference here is that YOU choose to deny the place in your family that your brother has given them. It's all you.

MRex · 05/04/2023 16:27

mum/dad not mum/was

Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 16:40

@JudgeRudy we don't think her biological father is around and my brother isn't called dad. She was 12/13 and I think it would be weird to call someone dad who you know isn't your dad, and wasn't around for that period of time.

However at the same time she doesn't have any sort of male figure around and my brother did put a roof over their head and paid for food etc.... and ultimately had to leave his home.

So if she's not calling my brother dad, why call the older generation grandad.... that's what I don't understand. Just call them by their names and refer to them as <insert brothers name> parent's.

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KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 17:09

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 15:02

@RagingWoke because she's doing it because it's not blood related. My brother isn't "blood dad" and as a result everyone suffers. She cuts of contact not because they are toxic, but because she's had a falling out with my brother.

Your posts are becoming increasingly illogical.
You have no way of knowing that her withdrawal behaviour is because her kids are DB's steps rather than bio.

Plenty of bio mums withdraw contact when they've rowed with their DP or in-laws. You see it on threads here all the time - OP's being actively encouraged to go NC. I'm not saying it's always reasonable, but I'm saying it happens, whether the kids are steps or bio.

You seem obsessed with what title Nancy calls your parents by, but utterly unconcerned with what you present as abusive behaviour from this woman to your DB. Maybe if you had your priorities straight, you might have got a less hard time from PP. As it is, you are coming over as a vindictive witch-hunter determined to castigate your brother's partner at all costs, so it's hard to give your account much credulity.

Justcallmebebes · 05/04/2023 18:54

Just sounds like a complete shit show for the poor kids. Do you have any compassion towards them at all OP? Sounds like they need some stability in their lives

Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 18:56

Justcallmebebes · 05/04/2023 18:54

Just sounds like a complete shit show for the poor kids. Do you have any compassion towards them at all OP? Sounds like they need some stability in their lives

Stability in their lives is from their own mother and her mother. Calling my parents a family name and than not allowing any contact with my brother isn't stability.

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Original poster

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 18:59

@KettrickenSmiled I've drip feed information on purpose and also I've made no comment other than she's deplorable. I'm just asking for AIBU on one aspect.... i won't explain what has been said to my brother about his abusive "partner".

I'm not obsessed with what Nancy calls her..... im just asking why.

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nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 19:02

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 16:40

@JudgeRudy we don't think her biological father is around and my brother isn't called dad. She was 12/13 and I think it would be weird to call someone dad who you know isn't your dad, and wasn't around for that period of time.

However at the same time she doesn't have any sort of male figure around and my brother did put a roof over their head and paid for food etc.... and ultimately had to leave his home.

So if she's not calling my brother dad, why call the older generation grandad.... that's what I don't understand. Just call them by their names and refer to them as <insert brothers name> parent's.

"We don't think"

No you don't!

MyStarBoy · 05/04/2023 19:03

Have a heart.
Is it doing any harm?
They're children!!
Your parents (and you) should take it as a compliment and be really chuffed.

Tbh, you do sound quite mean spirited.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 23:16

northeasrer · 05/04/2023 18:59

@KettrickenSmiled I've drip feed information on purpose and also I've made no comment other than she's deplorable. I'm just asking for AIBU on one aspect.... i won't explain what has been said to my brother about his abusive "partner".

I'm not obsessed with what Nancy calls her..... im just asking why.

Not obsessed, just asking why ... sure OP, it; not obsessional to ask the same question 97 thousand times on one thread, while totally ignoring any enquiries about what you do to support your DB with the domestic abuse he suffers.

Dripfeeding on purpose doesn't make the offence any more palatable btw.