My marriage is a joke, isn’t it?

[Boymamabee]

We have to leave our rented home by June and I'm due this month.

Went to view a 2-bed ground floor flat within our budget. My husband actually asked where he’s supposed to keep his “DJ stuff“ and gaming crap. We’re currently in a 3-bed we don’t need. Double room all to himself while our small living room is full of toys because son’s room is a box. Feel ashamed just writing this.

Viewed a top storey flat with no lift but an extra room. Husband thinks I’d be fine taking a baby up all those stairs after a c-section as long as I put the sling on my back, not front. According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

Won't book a day or afternoon’s A/L to view places in the week - even though his job makes it possible to work from home so won't necessarily need A/L. Asked me a question about aerial/WiFi and measurements and when I said I didn’t know, he belittled me.

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house and called me delusional. (Council can only offer a 2-bed and rightly so).

Thinks I’m in the wrong for pursuing an ASD assessment/diagnosis for our son even though it was the school and HV that referred him. Said he didn't want me claiming DLA as he’s “not autistic“ - although all the health professionals disagree. Won't book any A/L or time off to come to appointments or listen to what the pediatrician has to say.

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

It’s not meaningless, it means MN will remove the thread as soon as it starts to cause OP distress.

It’s totally deliberate in a lot of cases. Folk trying to pretend they’re so baffled and confused in order to make the OP feel/look stupid, get the OP to jump through hoops and tie themselves in knots having to clarify and justify their pis over and over and also to try and encourage/set the tone of the replies in a negative way, Obviously that’s not the case all the time but it seems to have become a very common tactic these days on here. It’s a real shame.

Because her husband needs a play room?

I read it to mean that she is going to have a c section for the current pregnancy.

I agree that it appears to be deliberate in a lot of cases. They read to me as other pp realising that they have been putting up with the same rubbish or worse and are trying to downplay the OP’s issues and concerns, in order to make themselves feel better about their own shitshow of a relationship.

@BignBootiful yes I realise that now. I skimmed the OP and thought they had to leave the rented house by due but they are due to leave this month. Totally my mistake reading it. It’s been a very very long time since “I’m due this month” automatically means I’m pregnant in my little world

And stop having children with him

Just take whatever one you prefer, Council if poss, and tell him to find his own place as he won't be moving in with you. Do you want to live your whole life like this? Autistic isn't an excuse for bad behaviour, he should be able to grasp the problems a 3rd floor flat with cause you as if two small ones aren't enough to deal with up there with the difficulties involved in getting them out so your son can run about and you all get fresh air etc.

Won't it be nice to lose an extra 9+stone? You won't find the right man until you lose the wrong one.

That's not how it works with council houses. You get the bedrooms you need and no more. So if she has a DS already and another boy on the way she would only be entitled to a two bed.

Maybe he is autistic, but I actually think it doesn't matter. He is treating you and your little one unreasonably badly. You don't have to put up with it. You can't raise your dc in a house where everyone accepts their dad's wants come above their needs, imagine what that would do to their self-esteem!

Would you life honestly be worse without him? Does he contribute equally to the childcare? My bet is that he doesn't.

His lack of care about your wellbeing after a C-section is honestly shocking.

Sorry OP - excuse my previous typo re. your EDD:

*…You are pregnant and in a very vulnerable position as you are due to give birth to your second child ‘this month’.

To be clear - You need to leave your current privately rented 3-bedroom property in June. You previously did not need a 3-bed property as you only had one child, but your H wanted a 3-bed property so he could use the biggest bedroom for his DJ equipment, whilst your school aged possibly Autistic DS got relegated and squashed into the box bedroom! You are now expecting a 2nd child this month.

@Boymamabee You writing this comment was meaningless but you still did it. Did it help....no?

Erm, your meaningless comment won’t help either!

Dump the man and jump at the chance of the council tenancy, you would be seriously mad not to.

Find a place on your own. Or accept to spend your life with a man who values his own interests over those of your kids. Your choice (and I know what mine would be).

The control issues he has, sound very much like ocd or autism. My late father had ocd and reacted extremely to situations he couldn’t control or anything that interfered with his routines and rituals. We spent a lot of time walking on eggshells and it was not until I was an adult,that I understood his problem and that his anger was born of fear and panic ,not hate or aggression.
You have my sympathy, of course he could just be an extremely selfish manchild ( or both) so you need to decide whether you want a life with someone with mental health issues or not,as well as coping with an autistic child.
If you do wish to continue the relationship,then you should suggest to him that you think he has some characteristics that put him on the spectrum and want him to see someone , and that is a condition of your relationship continuing. He will likely blow up over this and be very defensive , it will panic him the thought of seeing someone and being in a situation where he is not in control , but it sounds very much as if you already expect this as you are seeking to avoid this confrontation.
You may well find that rather than blow up at you,he will be very emotional because you are his rock ,and the thought of you going will scare him greatly.

He might be autistic and the issues he has with money are classic ADHD. An autistic person is first and foremost a person and like anyone can be an absolute arse. My autistic husband is lovely and puts me and the children first whenever he can and usually does this to his own detriment. My autistic farther was an aggressive abusive twat and the best thing my mother did was eventually divorce him.

As others have said you need to protect yourself. Perusing a council property would be a very sensible decision if you are likely to end up single.

It doesn’t matter if he is autistic or not, he is contributing nothing to your life other than stress. Move out with your DC by yourself.

Your H sounds like he may have ASD, but this is no excuse to put up with his selfish behaviour, especially if he is not willing to address it and seek a possible diagnosis and help for himself and his family. His behaviour is clearly having a detrimental effect on the whole family.

I forgot to mention that we are awaiting a possible ASD diagnosis for our Yr 3 DS via his school. We have also set the ball rolling re. a possible ASD and Dyslexia assessment for our Yr 7 DD, as ASD presents differently in girls, and often shows up more when they are going through puberty. You’re lucky that your HV and the school have referred your DS for a ASD diagnosis, as it can be hard to receive support from schools, esp. as so many more children are presenting with ASD traits as a result of COVID and the COVID lockdowns. We’ve recently been to the GP re. our DD and may have to go down the private route re. getting her a ASD assessment if her school is not receptive. DD passed two different 11+ Assessments re. two Independent Schools last year and was offered a place at both, so her possible Dyslexia issue was not obvious to us or any of the three schools that she was involved with up until that point.

DH was a initially a bit reluctant when I first suggested that our DS may have ASD, but he eventually came around to my thinking as time went on, there were further ‘incidents’ re. our DS and he found the time to read up on ASD.
DH then shared that he behaved similarly to our DS when he was a similar age.

In addition (and this is very important), although DH is very busy running multiple businesses (inclu. being out of the house some evenings and part of the weekend at one business), he has always found the time to attend all of our 3 DC’s medical appointments where he can. DS has had lots of hospital appts over the years, which are now luckily and finally becoming fewer and further between. DH also aims to attend all DS’ school SEN appointments, unless urgent business travel comes up at short notice. I’m also in paid PT employment, mainly WFH. I’m saying this to show that it’s possible if you have the right type of DH/partner and they prioritise you and your DC.

These stories do get lifted. I saw one from Mumsnet in the Daily Mail this morning.

He’s very selfish and being totally unrealistic to expect to have a gaming room to himself ( unless you have plenty of money)
If school and HV have referred your son, follow it through, without his support if necessary. That way you can get support for your son should he need it.
I think you should choose which property is best and tell your DP that’s what he’s getting. When he’s got a uterus and had a c section then he can have an opinion on recovery!

The ones that get lifted are usually something to do with pitting women against each other, some take on a misogynistic stereotype (Bridezilla threads are ideal) or class wars/wealth related.

The holy grail would be a spoiled Bridezilla who had a fight with her MIL at the wedding where they broke bottles of Dom Perignon over each other and ruined her Primark wedding dress because they aren't really rich and just wanted to show off. Or something.

Do you want to remain in this relationship? I’d suggest you can do a lot better than having a man child to mother too and who brings little (nothing) to the table except a illusion of being a partner ( he doesn’t support you).

Remove his name from your housing application, separate and look for rentals without him.

I think if he needs the equipment and room to regulate after work then he needs it, the question is can you possibly afford it even if it means cutting back in other areas. Trying to cram a baby, a toddler and 2 adults in a 2 bed flat isn’t ideal. I wouldn’t make a decision on the stairs
based on your c section as he’s presumably taking paternity leave and then if you have to restrict to
yourself to the flat for a week or two it’s not an enormous problem. The question is will you be able to manage with baby and toddler on an ongoing basis. Is your toddler going to walk downstairs?
I can’t understand his attitude towards dla etc, surely that would be an option to make things easier to get a bigger place etc!

I think it’s a ‘stupid’ thing.