My marriage is a joke, isn’t it?

[Boymamabee]

We have to leave our rented home by June and I'm due this month.

Went to view a 2-bed ground floor flat within our budget. My husband actually asked where he’s supposed to keep his “DJ stuff“ and gaming crap. We’re currently in a 3-bed we don’t need. Double room all to himself while our small living room is full of toys because son’s room is a box. Feel ashamed just writing this.

Viewed a top storey flat with no lift but an extra room. Husband thinks I’d be fine taking a baby up all those stairs after a c-section as long as I put the sling on my back, not front. According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

Won't book a day or afternoon’s A/L to view places in the week - even though his job makes it possible to work from home so won't necessarily need A/L. Asked me a question about aerial/WiFi and measurements and when I said I didn’t know, he belittled me.

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house and called me delusional. (Council can only offer a 2-bed and rightly so).

Thinks I’m in the wrong for pursuing an ASD assessment/diagnosis for our son even though it was the school and HV that referred him. Said he didn't want me claiming DLA as he’s “not autistic“ - although all the health professionals disagree. Won't book any A/L or time off to come to appointments or listen to what the pediatrician has to say.

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

Your husband sounds very selfish! I had a section last year it takes more than 2 weeks to recover! Well I did anyway.

If you can afford it are there any 3 bed houses to rent near by? In my hometown there are zero, actually zero properties to rent right now its a town of about 10,000 people so I appreciate options might be slim. Because with soon to be 2 children and a hobby that takes up space ye could probably use a bigger house.

It's not unreasonable for him to have a hobby that takes up space. It is unreasonable for him to take up space that his son needs or to move somewhere that would be a lot of hassle for you. Even after you recover from the section getting a buggy + toddler to a top floor flat without a lift would be really difficult.

I thought that, I’m surprised at how many posters don’t understand what it means when someone says I’m due this month in this context. Maybe it’s a regional thing.

It's not regional, it's just people not taking the time to properly read the OP.

Your husband is a selfish idiot, but you knew that anyway. It takes longer than two weeks to recover from a section, stairs are the thing to minimise while you’re recovering, and while lots of people manage two children in top floor flats: if you’ve got the option not to, why would you? My second baby hates the sling and sleeps like a dream in the pram.

DH needs to ditch his piles of hobby equipment, or contribute a bigger slice of the pie to have the extra room for them: anyone whose hobby takes up entire rooms needs to sacrifice that hobby to make space for children or recognise that they’re responsible for paying for the extra space the hobby entails.

But he’s not going to do that because he’s a selfish twat. I’m not sure how you leave him when you’re about to have a section: do you have family you can go to while you recover and get yourself settled?

OPI'm sorry posters are arguing over interpretations without answering your main question.

Yes he sounds very selfish and possibly abusive.

Women's Aid will help you decide what exactly you want to do and explain what options you have. Do you work currently?

From my understanding, OP is pregnant and has an older child with autism. She is in a privately rented 3 bed flat but has been offered a 2 bed council flat. I assume this is because the unborn child is of the same sex as the older child so is deemed able to share a room OR that the council won’t consider a three bed until the baby is older as deemed to be able to sleep with parents?

Either way, OP, you should take the council property YOU think is most suitable and get rid of this idiotic bloke. Can you see the housing office without him and explain that you don’t want him in the tenancy?

Who is supporting you in real life? Any relatives you can confide in?

Or confused at idea that she’s currently in a 3 bed

but says that despite an additional person joining the family they need one less bedroom

Honestly even if you skin the post op says she I'd due ie. expecting in the first sentence. He's a shit op and you've done good to realise it. I'd apply to the council as a single parent and get him to sling his hook. Contact citizens advice on any and all benefits you can claim. Contact women's aid if you feel yours or your sons safety is an issue. I'd contact a solicitor about divorce proceedings but appreciate you might want to hold off on that until baby is born.

You've come to the realisation that he isn't worth his salt. You're right, he isn't. Not saying it's going to be easy from here but at least you are considering yourself and your kids. Best of luck.

Yes, the logic of that is odd but it doesn't make the situation that she has a child and another on the way unclear given that she talks about an existing child and imminent recovery from a c-section.

I’m gonna go ahead and guess that when the OP states she’s ‘due’ this month, she doesn’t mean with her SCHOOL AGED DS.

Im honestly sat here despairing as the woefully inadequate level of reading comprehension on this thread. She is pregnant and due this month, she also has a son who is school age.

I'm guessing the baby wouldn't be moving into the third bedroom regardless - it's for her husband and his crap.

😂😂 same here. Its really not that hard to understand!

Sorry for the long post. Your husband doesn’t value you or your children, only himself. You know that whilst you’re in the three bed his priorities should have been his son having a decent space to play; not so he can live like a giant man child. Especially with another child. If he belittles you and puts yours, your unborn babies health and the future of your son’s health and well being at risk now, then he never will. I cannot understand how some PP are underplaying how bad this is. It just shows how many people are conditioned into accepting emotional abuse and inequality which is why so many people like yourself post on here asking these questions. A c-section is major surgery that takes 6 weeks minimum basic recovery but will take many months or more to heal the muscles back together. You should be doing the bare minimum required to look after your baby and he should do the rest whilst you recover. I wouldn’t even dream of climbing flights of stairs. Don’t even get me started on him trying go dissuade you from getting your son assessed for ASD which could improve all of your lives for the better forever and give him lifelong help that he needs. Yes, it can be hard to wrap your head around it but it is not about him and his feelings. It’s about who your son is and that’s not a negative thing, he will just need help along the way that he could suffer without. I say this as a mum to a DS with ASD and ADHD who despite all the odds thrives because of the help he gets due to his diagnosis. He is an absolute shower of shit of a husband and a father. YOU are the children’s main care-giver, YOU facilitate his being able to work as he would have to pay for childcare if you both worked. You didn’t get yourself pregnant and I’m assuming his job can’t pay for the 4 bed house he thinks you need. He’s the failure here, not you! Please, please put your children and yourself first. I’m sorry to say it because he never, ever will. That “shitty” council house can be an amazing safe home for you and your children away from the emotional abuse that I don’t even think you’re fully aware that you’re living in. Be be brave and flourish but you can’t do that with a dead-weight like that dragging you down. You want to sparkle and you definitely can. So no in answer to your OP your marriage isn’t a joke, only the man you married. You're a lovely wife, who let him take up an entire room for his hobby and probably sacrificed countless other things you’ve not even mentioned but that’s not how a marriage should be. You’re obviously a wonderful, caring mother because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be on here asking these questions. Be the advocate that your children need, they only can count on you. PP have offered you some great helplines that will support you ie women’s aid etc. Take all the help from your HV and healthcare providers that you can get and follow their advice. It will open up avenues for a better life that right now you can only dream of. Sending lots of positive thoughts and strength to you. You can do this.

The main issue here is not how big a property is needed, more so the abusive relationship you know you’re in and what to do about it.

This is a great opportunity to get rid of him if you want to.

Have you been offered the council flat ?
You could accept that and let them know you’re splitting up.Do not let him move in with you.
Or could you and dc move in with family til you find somewhere for just you and dc? Put some of your stuff in storage?

Contact Women’s Aid for help too.

He only looking after himself and this will get worse.

Well if you're renting, then you don't need to leave by June, you have at least another six months, your landlord might not like it but there's nothing they can do if you refuse to leave at the end of your lease.

If you want a council property (if any are available) then the above will give you at least another six months before the bailiffs show up.

If you want another private rental then DO NOT refuse to leave when your lease ends, you'll NEVER be able to rent privately again if you do.

Sounds like he needs to switch on, you are basically living with a man child, do you really want to look after three children?

Contact your local council and sus out options for housing, unless they have loads available I wouldn't reccomend that route as you'd initially be placed in emergency accommodation, you don't want that, it could be years of living in a dodgy room in a sketchy B&B before you are even offered a sniff at a council property.

The situation sounds tough. I would just go ahead, and claim Dla if you think your son is eligible. Surely the extra money, if awarded would be useful to help your son. I do not understand your partner's pov.

But she’s being kicked out of the three bed so it’s not an option, and needs something in budget, which is clearly a 2-bed: the baby would be in with her for at least six months anyway, then children can share. She doesn’t “need” a 3-bed for the DC: she needs ground floor, outdoor space, in budget, etc – or whatever is on her particular list of needs.

On that list I’d add she needs all the confused posters to butt out so she can get some useful advice.

Op he sounds useless and unsupportive. I would take the council property without him. Go and view them on your own and chose one that is easy for you to access once the baby arrives.

Do you have anyone else who can support you while you recover from the c section? It would be far easier to ditch him before you move into a new property rather than move him in and then get him out.

@Ursualesther 4 years ago a private 3-bed house in the area was around £225 cheaper than it is now. I was on a higher income too.

we had to move out due to ll selling. We’re now in a much smaller 3-bed in a run down area, but paying £125 more per month than 2 years ago. Weve been given notice again.

Privately, we can only afford a 2 bed because house prices have risen so much. As I’m having another boy we're only entitled a 2-bed with council/HA.

Currently additional preference on silver. Will be moved to gold once baby’s here and tenancy comes to an end.

Get that 2-bed council house for yourself and your children.
Tell your husband you hope that he and his "Gaming equipment" will be very happy together.

And not just this thread, it's so many threads nowadays to the point I have wondered if it's deliberate in some cases.

It would help if people would go back and reread the OP before derailing the thread, which is so often what happens..

Really sad reading this.
I agree with PP who said take the council flat without him
Get rid of him. He's just extra baggage.

Change your council application to single adult and take the best you can get with them. End it with this selfish millstone. Make him pay maintenance, see if you can get him to have the children a couple of days a week and an overnight with your son. Life will be better.

I think some people skim through posts and then rush to get their comments in. I don't know why someone would be asking if she's pregnant?! It's literally in the very first sentence.