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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My marriage is a joke, isn’t it?

181 replies

Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 08:11

We have to leave our rented home by June and I'm due this month.

Went to view a 2-bed ground floor flat within our budget. My husband actually asked where he’s supposed to keep his “DJ stuff“ and gaming crap. We’re currently in a 3-bed we don’t need. Double room all to himself while our small living room is full of toys because son’s room is a box. Feel ashamed just writing this.

Viewed a top storey flat with no lift but an extra room. Husband thinks I’d be fine taking a baby up all those stairs after a c-section as long as I put the sling on my back, not front. According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

Won't book a day or afternoon’s A/L to view places in the week - even though his job makes it possible to work from home so won't necessarily need A/L. Asked me a question about aerial/WiFi and measurements and when I said I didn’t know, he belittled me.

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house and called me delusional. (Council can only offer a 2-bed and rightly so).

Thinks I’m in the wrong for pursuing an ASD assessment/diagnosis for our son even though it was the school and HV that referred him. Said he didn't want me claiming DLA as he’s “not autistic“ - although all the health professionals disagree. Won't book any A/L or time off to come to appointments or listen to what the pediatrician has to say.

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 09:13

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 04/04/2023 08:24

I confused, why are you still recovering from a c section if your dc is at school?
if you are pregnant like others are suggesting, or just planning another in the near future, and have an autistic dc, then 3 bedrooms are better than 2 because sharing with a ND child isn’t easy on either child.

I don’t think you dh is necessarily in the wrong - a toddler only needs a box room as they only sleep there and usually play in the lounge so there’s nothing wrong with a parent taking a larger bedroom for a study/hobby room. Although he is a dick about ignoring concerns regarding asd, but he isn’t the first parent to do that and won’t be the last. Sometimes it’s very hard to wrap your head around your child having some form of disability.

Not in the wrong, to demand a whole room to himself for his junk hobby equipment, instruct his wife that she must climb stairs post-section with her newborn on her back so he gets the flat HE wants, & far from trying to wrap his head round his child's disability, ignore it, while scoffing at your co-parent for caring?

& don't get me started on non-medically qualified men giving out their stupid opinions on how long it takes to recover from childbirth/caesar. Why are you taking this tool's part in dismissing & invalidating OP's totally legitimate concerns?

OP - surprise me - your selfish prick of a husband is totally useless around the home & expects all childcare to fall to you, right? So what's the point of him? Womens Aid, Shelter, the council - whatever you have to do to get shot of him, & find secure accommodation for you & your DC.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 09:13

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house

but presumably it’s because his earnings are so low that he is entitled to one. So if he doesn’t want a “shitty” council house then he should get a better job!

massivenamechnage · 04/04/2023 09:13

Mmmm

Has your DH ever had an autism assessment?

massivenamechnage · 04/04/2023 09:14

Has your DH ever had an autism assessment?

CharlieRight · 04/04/2023 09:16

DJ and gaming stuff, toys then? If that is what is important to him, it probably won't be a great deal more difficult to be on your own....

onionringcheeseypuff · 04/04/2023 09:17

Take the two bed flat for yourself and leave him to find his own

Favouritefruits · 04/04/2023 09:19

Get the two bed council house, bite their hands off. Either go and live with your two wonderful children alone and leave him out of the picture or get a shed for him and all his crap.

Goldbar · 04/04/2023 09:21

SallySunrise · 04/04/2023 08:21

Take the council 2 bed without him. He sounds awful!

This, if you can. He sounds absolutely dreadful and worse than useless.

Lobelia123 · 04/04/2023 09:24

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 08:14

Why on earth would someone share this on FB?

I think maybe the OP is concerned because Mumsnet has a Facebook page and sometimes pulls the chats and threads through from the site to FB. Or at least thats what I assumed.

Did you miss the bit where she said she was feeling vulnerable in your haste to ask a completely pointless question? Dont make her feel small just because you're feeling snappy, its really not fair.

tiredpuppymum · 04/04/2023 09:25

Take a council property without him.
He's abusing you and your family and you'll be so much better off without him

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2023 09:25

Well isn't he a charmer for thinking you'll be right as rain two weeks after having a c-section and quite able to lug a baby (and presumably a pram) up the stairs. Tell him to bugger off!

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 04/04/2023 09:25

Snatch the council's arm off and take that 2-bed house in your sole name. Divorce the nasty waste of skin and go through CMS for adequate provision for your sons. Get your son assessed and claim DLA and carer's allowance as appropriate. Tap into any support network you have - your parents, siblings, in-laws if they're decent people. He doesn't care about you. I'm GOBSMACKED he has a whole double room in your current home for his shite while your son is in the box room. So bloody selfish.

Marchintospring · 04/04/2023 09:26

You sound like you have made your choice already Op.
I am firmly if the opinion that it’s not the things you do but the things you don’t do that you regret.
It sounds stupid kicking him out before the next arrives but honestly however hard it is you can make it work and you will be so much happier in yourself. The pressure is off mentally even if you struggle a bit physically after the birth. Once the C section is healed you’ll be excited to get your family in the best place fir their futures.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/04/2023 09:27

Take the house, ditch the husband.

According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

A joker as well.

Backstreets · 04/04/2023 09:28

Dj and gaming stuff, good lord. Sounds like you’re already a mother of two, congratulations on your third.

no but seriously, I don’t think much can rectify this situation but your DH growing the hell up and if I knew how to make men do that I’d be a billionaire. Sod your c section there’s some Mario kart to be played! Really is such a shame the amount of men that refuse to see marriage for the adult, mutually supportive partnership it ideally is.

Meandfour · 04/04/2023 09:29

If he doesn’t want to live in a council house, what’s he doing about changing your circumstances so you can afford your own home?
He sounds vile.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 04/04/2023 09:31

It sounds to me like your dp is totally clueless about the stresses and strains of not only having a baby but recovering from surgery. He’s being pretty shit in this regard.
However, I don’t think he’s wrong to be aiming for a three bed. He’s looking longer term and is thinking (correctly) that the recovery and new baby stage is transient.
He’s still being a selfish twat, but his end goal is sensible.

Pubesofsoberness · 04/04/2023 09:31

I'd take the council house ony own. And make sure you apply for dla, you don't have to wait until your sons assessment is done

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 09:34

Marchforward · 04/04/2023 08:27

So there are two adults, a school aged child with autism and a new baby due very soon. It sounds like you do ideally need a 3 bed property unless you are only planning on stay for a year or so or keeping the baby in your room for a very long time.

Or ditching the useless husband who will claim one of the rooms for his stuff... which should be the main take from the post

ShimmeringShirts · 04/04/2023 09:35

He sounds like a grade A wanker and you’d be much better off without him in your life. Being a single mum isn’t all bad, if he ends up seeing the kids overnight then that’s a wee bit of time to yourself - but baby will be way too young for him to babysit overnight for at least a year.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 04/04/2023 09:36

I'd be starting to get my ducks in a row as a happy mum of 2 without the 3rd man child in tow.

Meandfour · 04/04/2023 09:37

ShimmeringShirts · 04/04/2023 09:35

People say this but there’s plenty of parents who leave their babies overnight with grandparents before they’re 1. There was a post the other day from someone who went to New York for 4 nights and left her 7 month old with her parents.
It’s completely possible and reasonable for dads to have their children before they’re 1.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 04/04/2023 09:37

If you are being offered a place then take it and take it on your own with your kids. He sounds utterly awful.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 09:38

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 04/04/2023 09:31

He's not giving the first thought to his wife or his baby!

EsmeShelby · 04/04/2023 09:40

Move to the council flat without him

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