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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My marriage is a joke, isn’t it?

181 replies

Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 08:11

We have to leave our rented home by June and I'm due this month.

Went to view a 2-bed ground floor flat within our budget. My husband actually asked where he’s supposed to keep his “DJ stuff“ and gaming crap. We’re currently in a 3-bed we don’t need. Double room all to himself while our small living room is full of toys because son’s room is a box. Feel ashamed just writing this.

Viewed a top storey flat with no lift but an extra room. Husband thinks I’d be fine taking a baby up all those stairs after a c-section as long as I put the sling on my back, not front. According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

Won't book a day or afternoon’s A/L to view places in the week - even though his job makes it possible to work from home so won't necessarily need A/L. Asked me a question about aerial/WiFi and measurements and when I said I didn’t know, he belittled me.

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house and called me delusional. (Council can only offer a 2-bed and rightly so).

Thinks I’m in the wrong for pursuing an ASD assessment/diagnosis for our son even though it was the school and HV that referred him. Said he didn't want me claiming DLA as he’s “not autistic“ - although all the health professionals disagree. Won't book any A/L or time off to come to appointments or listen to what the pediatrician has to say.

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 04/04/2023 10:15

If you take the ground floor flat and he’s not paying attention, can you get it in your name to give you more options? Or is there no chance you can pay the rent without him anyway? (If so should you focus on a council flat then and make sure it’s in your name?)

ALLIS0N · 04/04/2023 10:16

Thehonestbadger · 04/04/2023 08:52

I’m gonna go ahead and guess that when the OP states she’s ‘due’ this month, she doesn’t mean with her SCHOOL AGED DS.

Im honestly sat here despairing as the woefully inadequate level of reading comprehension on this thread. She is pregnant and due this month, she also has a son who is school age.

This.

Also the large number of adults won’t don’t understand the difference between private rented ( where you an have as many rooms as you like and can pay for ) and council housing , where there is a formula that dictates the number of bedrooms you need , depending on your household composition.

Which is usually ( but not always)

couple get one bedroom
children under ten can share a bedroom
Children over ten but under 16 can share a bedroom with same sex sibling
children 16 or over get own bedroom

That’s why the council will only offer then a 2 bed. The Op has a school aged child under 10 and a baby due soon.

illtakeit · 04/04/2023 10:17

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:13

I'm amazed at all the posts telling the OP to make herself a single parent. That doesn't usually improve situations apart from in domestic abuse cases.

What do you mean? So DV is the ONLY reason why a woman should leave a marriage? What about if you have a "DH" like the OP's who is selfish POS?

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 10:18

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:13

I'm amazed at all the posts telling the OP to make herself a single parent. That doesn't usually improve situations apart from in domestic abuse cases.

Her husband prioritises himself in all things and appears to be emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse IS domestic abuse.

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:18

Her dh being selfish doesn't automatically mean she needs to leave him and make herself a single parent with a baby and small child. It may be possible to actually get through this and work it out.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/04/2023 10:19

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:13

I'm amazed at all the posts telling the OP to make herself a single parent. That doesn't usually improve situations apart from in domestic abuse cases.

You're amazed, are you?

Yes, I bet you are.

sugarrosepetal · 04/04/2023 10:19

Tell him he either takes the 2 bed ground floor flat or you will be applying to the council for a tenancy for you and the kids and he can sort himself out. Personally, I'd look into that anyway. He isn't going to suddenly become partner and father of the year. He'll only get worse.

MiniTheMinx · 04/04/2023 10:21

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:18

Her dh being selfish doesn't automatically mean she needs to leave him and make herself a single parent with a baby and small child. It may be possible to actually get through this and work it out.

So how do you reform a selfish man? I'd like a step by step guide please, it might help a lot of women. If only we had the patience, fortitude and resilience we'd all have lovely generous husbands......nope?

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:22

ReneBumsWombats · 04/04/2023 10:19

You're amazed, are you?

Yes, I bet you are.

Show quote history

Yes, I am. The OP is clearly going through a period of enormous stress and is about to have a baby. Her dh is being a twat but unless she feels there's no hope of reconciliation then they can probably work through it which will be beneficial to all of them in the long run. All these glib posts telling her to leave him are a bit stupid.

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:24

MiniTheMinx · 04/04/2023 10:21

So how do you reform a selfish man? I'd like a step by step guide please, it might help a lot of women. If only we had the patience, fortitude and resilience we'd all have lovely generous husbands......nope?

Show quote history

Well, of course he may not always be selfish? He may compromise? He may also be feeling stressed and handling it badly.

Only the OP knows if there's no future in it, in which case getting pg with another baby probably wasn't the best idea.

MrsSweatyBetty · 04/04/2023 10:25

I'm sorry some posters found your post hard to understand, it's not.

I am you but 20 years on & still married.

Separate the decision on where to live from the decision on whether you are getting divorced.

Can you get the 2 bed without his help, can you afford it alone?

Make a decision on where to live based on what you need & can afford. Stick to it. He will moan, argue, dig his heels in etc etc. Invite him to make his decision as to whether he's along for the ride or is choosing to be a single person again.

Show by your actions that you are making decisions about YOUR life, and deciding what is best for YOU. Put your needs higher up the priority.

I had the biggest argument with my DH 1 week before my 3rd child was born, it was the key to unlocking his selfishness over the past x many years & it was the best thing I ever did. We're still married and happy. I am angry at myself for not realizing & addressing it sooner...I'm am the version of you who put up with shit like this for years because I didn't realize I held all the power already.

Look after you & look after your babies. (hug) x.

PS. I suspect he will be along for the ride but is pushing to see how much you will accept....it's time to draw a line in the sand.

sugarrosepetal · 04/04/2023 10:27

@Changeau the only posts I am seeing that are stupid are the suggestions to work through an abusive relationship because it would be better for everyone. Ah, no! Children are far better off in a single parent relationship where they are safe and not seeing their parents arguing with each other, being belittled, or far worse

MrsSweatyBetty · 04/04/2023 10:31

IMO the key to addressing selfish men is for women to realize their power.

We are socialized to believe that we are in competition with other women & men are some sort of prize, they are not, we are the prize.

Men understand power differently and are much better than women at getting their needs met. Very few men are better off once divorced with 50/50 access to kids.

Zipettydooda · 04/04/2023 10:31

@Changeau
”I'm amazed at all the posts telling the OP to make herself a single parent. That doesn't usually improve situations apart from in domestic abuse cases”

This is abuse. Emotional/ psychological abuse.So it’s domestic abuse and OP has said in her opening post that she’s had enough.

What is your definition of domestic abuse?

Itakecreaminmycoffee · 04/04/2023 10:32

For God's sake.

Why are people picking out the most trivial, unimportant things from OP's post and focusing on that? I've only read one page and I can't get any further:

It's not about how many rooms she needs.
It's not about how many dc's she has (two, one at school and one on the way which was obvious from her first post)
It's not about where her child's toys are stored.
It doesn't matter if her dh is autistic too.

The OP is posting about the fact she is married to a selfish, uncaring, lazy twat of a man child and is looking for advice on how to leave him.

OP - I second taking the 2 bed flat for yourself and your dc's and not including your prick of a dh in your plans. Also, women's aid for advice.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 04/04/2023 10:35

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2023 09:25

Well isn't he a charmer for thinking you'll be right as rain two weeks after having a c-section and quite able to lug a baby (and presumably a pram) up the stairs. Tell him to bugger off!

I'm surprised he can't afford to buy a property, what with him being medically qualified and all.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 10:40

OP,

You are in an abusive relationship.

Please tell the council and ask for a home on that basis.

Please contact Women's aid for support.

A ground floor flat would be best.

You are being abused by this selfish lazy man.

Spell it out to the council that you want to get away from him.

MrNook · 04/04/2023 10:51

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:13

I'm amazed at all the posts telling the OP to make herself a single parent. That doesn't usually improve situations apart from in domestic abuse cases.

So she should stay with her lazy selfish husband who she doesn't actually want to be with because ~checks notes~ he's not abusive! Great advice

eatdrinkandbemerry · 04/04/2023 10:54

With an autistic child you will need a three bedroom so he can have his own space 🤷‍♀️
( believe me I've been in the same situation)

YellowCheesePlease · 04/04/2023 10:55

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 08:21

Expecting a second child
but says don’t need a 3 bed

I would argue that a family of 4, one of whom has a hobby with a lot of equipment, could probably benefit from a 3 bed

The council won’t take this into account when housing !

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:56

MrNook · 04/04/2023 10:51

So she should stay with her lazy selfish husband who she doesn't actually want to be with because ~checks notes~ he's not abusive! Great advice

Show quote history

Sorry I missed the bit when she said she didn't want to be with him any more.

ReneBumsWombats · 04/04/2023 11:02

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:22

Yes, I am. The OP is clearly going through a period of enormous stress and is about to have a baby. Her dh is being a twat but unless she feels there's no hope of reconciliation then they can probably work through it which will be beneficial to all of them in the long run. All these glib posts telling her to leave him are a bit stupid.

Show quote history

Which part of it do you see him working on himself to correct?

The refusal to do anything useful?

The refusal to take annual leave to help find a proper home?

The belittling of the OP when she doesn't have an immediate answer to a question he asked?

Prioritising his DJ and gaming gear over a proper sized bedroom for his child?

The lack of support in investigating possible ASD in his child?

The claim that his wife will be recovered from her section in two weeks?

Which part does it amaze you to think he isn't likely to change?

illtakeit · 04/04/2023 11:02

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:56

Sorry I missed the bit when she said she didn't want to be with him any more.

Show quote history

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

Last sentence of the OP. Read and comprehend.

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/04/2023 11:06

Take the 2 bed ground floor and move in WITHOUT the deadbeat man child. He can then go and find his own place with room for his precious DJ kit and gaming shit.

Fifi1010 · 04/04/2023 11:07

Please get yourself on reliable contraception and stop reproducing with this useless lump.