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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My marriage is a joke, isn’t it?

181 replies

Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 08:11

We have to leave our rented home by June and I'm due this month.

Went to view a 2-bed ground floor flat within our budget. My husband actually asked where he’s supposed to keep his “DJ stuff“ and gaming crap. We’re currently in a 3-bed we don’t need. Double room all to himself while our small living room is full of toys because son’s room is a box. Feel ashamed just writing this.

Viewed a top storey flat with no lift but an extra room. Husband thinks I’d be fine taking a baby up all those stairs after a c-section as long as I put the sling on my back, not front. According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

Won't book a day or afternoon’s A/L to view places in the week - even though his job makes it possible to work from home so won't necessarily need A/L. Asked me a question about aerial/WiFi and measurements and when I said I didn’t know, he belittled me.

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house and called me delusional. (Council can only offer a 2-bed and rightly so).

Thinks I’m in the wrong for pursuing an ASD assessment/diagnosis for our son even though it was the school and HV that referred him. Said he didn't want me claiming DLA as he’s “not autistic“ - although all the health professionals disagree. Won't book any A/L or time off to come to appointments or listen to what the pediatrician has to say.

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

OP posts:
Changeau · 04/04/2023 11:07

illtakeit · 04/04/2023 11:02

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

Last sentence of the OP. Read and comprehend.

Show quote history

Yes - I genuinely did miss it! Sorry OP

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/04/2023 11:07

And for god's sake don't pack any of his stuff. Leave him to do everything himself. See how long it takes him to wake up.

Shakirasma · 04/04/2023 11:14

eatdrinkandbemerry · 04/04/2023 10:54

With an autistic child you will need a three bedroom so he can have his own space 🤷‍♀️
( believe me I've been in the same situation)

I agree, but her DP wont let the children have their own space while he believes his possessions are more important than anything or anyone else.

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/04/2023 11:15

A 3 bed would only be offered if you have two children or more of the opposite sex with one over 10. Same sex can share until 12.

PrinceHaz · 04/04/2023 11:22

Take the house and get rid of him. He sounds utterly horrible.

PrinceHaz · 04/04/2023 11:23

Is it possible your dp is also autistic? Have you seen traits in hi ? Not saying anything to excuse bad behaviour by mentioning this.

loislovesstewie · 04/04/2023 11:26

Speak to the housing office and explain the situation to them. If the application is in your name then tell them you want to be housed without him. Ask if they can give you any additional help or offer guidance on how to be housed without him. I think you need to talk this through with professionals as he isn't helping at all and is constantly putting you down and putting up obstacles. If he is abusive then tell the housing officer, be honest with them. Take any help you can get because, frankly, he is being a burden not a help.

mycoffeecup · 04/04/2023 11:27

oh dear. You married a child.
Just sort the rental out yourself. Do you work?

Hellno45 · 04/04/2023 11:28

SallySunrise · 04/04/2023 08:21

Take the council 2 bed without him. He sounds awful!

This is what you need to do.

@Boymamabee your husband is a selfish and self centred person. I imagine what you have posted is the tip of the iceberg. Having a baby can make us fell very vulnerable. Dint cling on to a shit man and a shit relationship because of fear. Be more worried about what your future life is going to be like with this price. Imagine it honestly and without romanticism. Honestly, you'll be better off on your own.

Hellno45 · 04/04/2023 11:30

Also, pursue the assessment for your child. The additional support on school will benefit your child. I wonder if he doesn't want you claiming DLA because it will give you more financial freedom.

Maray1967 · 04/04/2023 11:32

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 04/04/2023 10:35

I'm surprised he can't afford to buy a property, what with him being medically qualified and all.

Show quote history

Indeed. The first time he said this should be the last. What a moron. If my DH had tried to tell me how I’d be feeling after my cs he would have seriously regretted it.
There’s been some good advice here OP. Tell him straight what the options are and make sure he knows you mean business. Up to him how he responds - but he needs to know that he cannot trample over what you actually need.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2023 11:33

According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

He's an arsehole, not autistic. He's only concerned about having enough room for his toys, not his children.

YES you need to leave. Talk to the council now before you sign anything for new place.

unclebuck · 04/04/2023 11:41

Krumpet · 04/04/2023 08:32

Are you being offered a council property? Take it without him! He us a useless piece of shit.

👆

AmandaHoldensLips · 04/04/2023 11:43

Moving home is a perfect opportunity for a fresh start. You do not have to move WITH him. And it sounds like you are effectively a single parent anyway because he brings nothing to the equation except his self-centred bullshit.

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 11:50

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:22

Yes, I am. The OP is clearly going through a period of enormous stress and is about to have a baby. Her dh is being a twat but unless she feels there's no hope of reconciliation then they can probably work through it which will be beneficial to all of them in the long run. All these glib posts telling her to leave him are a bit stupid.

Show quote history

This is her best chance to get away from a selfish man who's behaviour is only going to get worse, as long as she has other potential support out there.

Otherwise she will have (probably) an autistic child, a newborn and a man who will make her life harder.

Agapornis · 04/04/2023 11:58

He doesn't care about you when it comes to hurting yourself on those stairs, or being unable to leave the house.
He doesn't care about your school-age child when it comes to his health and wellbeing.
He doesn't care about your baby's safety being taken down those stairs all day, every day. What when the baby becomes too heavy for a sling? Will you have to navigate taking a buggy, baby and child up and down?

Take the council flat, on your own. Imagine the peace of mind, freedom, and lack of eggshells to tread.

Robinni · 04/04/2023 12:00

Rn I would focus on the birth and the health of your son.

Practically you know that there will be no room for DH equipment. So he can either put it in storage, cough up more money for a better 4 bed - because let’s face it your boys having their own rooms is more important than a man den -, or he can piss off. Get a 6m rental unless you rent the place for yourself and boys alone, to give you flexibility to leave if needed later.

Please please push for diagnosis and DLA for your son. He will really need the money growing up for additional support and it will help him to achieve his potential. Without the diagnosis he does not have protection legally from discrimination - at school, at work, if he goes into hospital for example. If he is autistic he needs support, protection and understanding, without diagnosis and money he is due his life will be 100x harder than it needs to be. In short please do not listen to your DH, he’s a twerp. Additionally if he is autistic and it’s all documented then there will be quicker help for your second son in the event that he too is autistic, which will make his life easier.

re. DH he is being a twerp, however - likes to be alone in his own space, preoccupied with special interests, has his own agenda, no theory of mind, inflexible…… I would suspect he would hit the roof if you suggested diagnosis for him. Regardless it doesn’t excuse his awful behaviour, and you do not need to stay. If you do and he is ND and averse to help (for him or children) he is very unlikely to change.

Whatever happens I hope you get sorted with a new place and have some calm over the next few months. Take it step by step. Sorry he is being so difficult.

bussteward · 04/04/2023 12:12

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:18

Her dh being selfish doesn't automatically mean she needs to leave him and make herself a single parent with a baby and small child. It may be possible to actually get through this and work it out.

Do tell. Will he magically stop being a cunt when the baby arrives? Babies being notorious for patching up relationships and causing formerly useless men to step up.

MariaAmelie · 04/04/2023 12:12

FairyUpLiquid · 04/04/2023 08:55

Sorry for the long post. Your husband doesn’t value you or your children, only himself. You know that whilst you’re in the three bed his priorities should have been his son having a decent space to play; not so he can live like a giant man child. Especially with another child. If he belittles you and puts yours, your unborn babies health and the future of your son’s health and well being at risk now, then he never will. I cannot understand how some PP are underplaying how bad this is. It just shows how many people are conditioned into accepting emotional abuse and inequality which is why so many people like yourself post on here asking these questions. A c-section is major surgery that takes 6 weeks minimum basic recovery but will take many months or more to heal the muscles back together. You should be doing the bare minimum required to look after your baby and he should do the rest whilst you recover. I wouldn’t even dream of climbing flights of stairs. Don’t even get me started on him trying go dissuade you from getting your son assessed for ASD which could improve all of your lives for the better forever and give him lifelong help that he needs. Yes, it can be hard to wrap your head around it but it is not about him and his feelings. It’s about who your son is and that’s not a negative thing, he will just need help along the way that he could suffer without. I say this as a mum to a DS with ASD and ADHD who despite all the odds thrives because of the help he gets due to his diagnosis. He is an absolute shower of shit of a husband and a father. YOU are the children’s main care-giver, YOU facilitate his being able to work as he would have to pay for childcare if you both worked. You didn’t get yourself pregnant and I’m assuming his job can’t pay for the 4 bed house he thinks you need. He’s the failure here, not you! Please, please put your children and yourself first. I’m sorry to say it because he never, ever will. That “shitty” council house can be an amazing safe home for you and your children away from the emotional abuse that I don’t even think you’re fully aware that you’re living in. Be be brave and flourish but you can’t do that with a dead-weight like that dragging you down. You want to sparkle and you definitely can. So no in answer to your OP your marriage isn’t a joke, only the man you married. You're a lovely wife, who let him take up an entire room for his hobby and probably sacrificed countless other things you’ve not even mentioned but that’s not how a marriage should be. You’re obviously a wonderful, caring mother because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be on here asking these questions. Be the advocate that your children need, they only can count on you. PP have offered you some great helplines that will support you ie women’s aid etc. Take all the help from your HV and healthcare providers that you can get and follow their advice. It will open up avenues for a better life that right now you can only dream of. Sending lots of positive thoughts and strength to you. You can do this.

You are great 😌 and wonderful advice ❤️ we need more people who thinks like you in this world. Have a great day 🙏🏼❤️

OnlyFannys · 04/04/2023 12:21

Changeau · 04/04/2023 11:07

Yes - I genuinely did miss it! Sorry OP

Show quote history

There was also a clue in the thread title...

3luckystars · 04/04/2023 12:28

is there any chance your husband has autism too?

MrsSlocombesCat · 04/04/2023 12:30

OP from what you have said I very much suspect your husband is on the autistic spectrum. This would explain why you have a child on the spectrum and also why your husband is in denial about it. It would explain his obsessional hobby and selfish attitude. He isn’t going to change because he can’t. Living with someone on the spectrum can be very challenging. I would echo the advice to part ways. Tell him you are going to go for the property that is best for you and the children, and that splitting up is also best for the children. Your son is going to need additional help so having his father around is clearly not in his best interests. And what if the new baby is on the spectrum too? You really don’t need to have the extra burden of this man.

Original poster
Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 12:30

Is it possible your dp is also autistic? Have you seen traits in hi ? Not saying anything to excuse bad behaviour by mentioning this.

I do wonder. He has the same annual leave every year for the last five years (and prob before). When we had to move last year, he refused to take a day’s a/l to help move his stuff. I ended up doing half of it and then he had a mini meltdown because he didn’t know where things were. Still refused to take a/l and didn’t want me “losing stuff”. It ended up with him paying the LL extra to extend our notice (despite having 6 months).

Only wants to socialise online and hates birthday parties or social events with (mostly) my friends. Stims. Photographic memory and ridiculously fast and clever at maths but won’t budget to save his life. Hates showers for sensory reasons. I could go on.

OP posts:
Pearlygates · 04/04/2023 12:34

Autistic or not he's still an ass hole. Get rid!

NaturalBae · 04/04/2023 12:36

Some pp’s comprehension skills are clearly woeful as it is easy to understand OP’s opening post without having to read it more than once. The same regarding all of OP’s updates so far.

Let’s be clear - Abuse is abuse: Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse and/or Sexual Abuse. It’s all abuse, and it all sits under the umbrella of Domestic Abuse (DV) if it’s taking place within the dynamic of a relationship, married or not.

OP - Council properties are not to be sniffed at at in this day and age. They are like gold dust, therefore, take it if you are offered one!
In addition, it is likely to be the only way you’ll be able to afford to cover the rent as a single person, if and when you decide to go back to work.

Your H is selfish as he is not putting his the needs of his children or you first. You are pregnant and in a very vulnerable position as you are due to give birth to your second child in two months. I assume that you are not currently working, do not have your own money separate to H or access to savings.
If your H is exerting coercive control over you (tries to force you to do things you do not want to do/is bullying you, and/or is controlling re. family finances, this is Emotional Abuse. Speak to your HV and also contact Women’s Aid if need be.

He won’t change and it will get worse. Contact the Council and tell them that you want to remove his name re. your existing application for a Council property, and tell them why.

Continue to liaise positively with your DS’ school/HV and get him the support he needs re. his possible ASD diagnosis.

Stop begging your H to put you and your children first. You need to plan your life without him in your future. Sorry, but he doesn’t appear to care.

My DH bought DJ equipment on a whim when we were expecting, the difference is he knew (without much discussion) that it had to be dismantled and stored away before my due date, as he had annoyingly set it up in our Living Room. His decks only reappeared several years and another baby later once we had moved into a bigger house with a spare bedroom, which is set up as his Home Office. DH’s decks live in there, most of the time covered in paperwork, his clothing, etc and hardly ever used as he’s too busy running multiple businesses to ensure we don’t end up back in a Council property.

There’s nothing wrong with living in a Council property. We both grew up on Council estates and have great childhood memories from doing so. Just hope you get offered one in a decent area, preferably on a street and not on a large rundown/sink Council estate. There’s also no guarantee you’ll get offered a Ground Floor property or a garden.