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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My marriage is a joke, isn’t it?

181 replies

Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 08:11

We have to leave our rented home by June and I'm due this month.

Went to view a 2-bed ground floor flat within our budget. My husband actually asked where he’s supposed to keep his “DJ stuff“ and gaming crap. We’re currently in a 3-bed we don’t need. Double room all to himself while our small living room is full of toys because son’s room is a box. Feel ashamed just writing this.

Viewed a top storey flat with no lift but an extra room. Husband thinks I’d be fine taking a baby up all those stairs after a c-section as long as I put the sling on my back, not front. According to him, it only takes 2 weeks to recover from a c-section.

Won't book a day or afternoon’s A/L to view places in the week - even though his job makes it possible to work from home so won't necessarily need A/L. Asked me a question about aerial/WiFi and measurements and when I said I didn’t know, he belittled me.

Says he doesn’t want a “shitty“ council house and called me delusional. (Council can only offer a 2-bed and rightly so).

Thinks I’m in the wrong for pursuing an ASD assessment/diagnosis for our son even though it was the school and HV that referred him. Said he didn't want me claiming DLA as he’s “not autistic“ - although all the health professionals disagree. Won't book any A/L or time off to come to appointments or listen to what the pediatrician has to say.

I've finally decided enough is enough but I don’t know how to go about it.

OP posts:
ToBeOrNotToBee · 04/04/2023 09:41

I'd take the council 2 bed and tell him to find his own accommodation.

What a selfish prick.

Greyarea12 · 04/04/2023 09:43

He sounds utterly selfish & self absorbed.

In your shoes, i would take the ground floor flat and tell him he has no worries as he ain't moving in.

Giggorata · 04/04/2023 09:44

I would snap their hands off for a ground floor two bedroomed council flat!
With or without him… basically fuck him.
He should rent storage for his stuff, if it's so important.
More important than the family's comfort and security, apparently

Changeau · 04/04/2023 09:45

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 08:21

Expecting a second child
but says don’t need a 3 bed

I would argue that a family of 4, one of whom has a hobby with a lot of equipment, could probably benefit from a 3 bed

Yes I agree.

Zipettydooda · 04/04/2023 09:45

@BillyDeanisnotmylover
”However, I don’t think he’s wrong to be aiming for a three bed. He’s looking longer term and is thinking (correctly) that the recovery and new baby stage is transient.
He’s still being a selfish twat, but his end goal is sensible.”

I disagree. He wants the third bedroom for his gaming stuff.
Its not about long term planning with his family’s interests in mind.
Where will his toys go if they move to a 2 bed?

ilovesushi · 04/04/2023 09:48

Not sure why some people are not understanding your post. It is entirely clear to me.

Your partner sounds awful like a big selfish toddler. If you can move into the 2-bed council house without him, I would do it. Sorry that things are so tough!

Pinklemons9 · 04/04/2023 09:51

Does he have any good qualities? He sounds like a selfish man child expecting you to carry a a baby and everything they need up stairs after a c section so he gets a room for his gaming. Your son should have the bigger room too. He’s not putting you or the baby first and he should be.

LittleOwl153 · 04/04/2023 09:53

If you go for the 3 bed is he expecting the biggest or second biggest room for his toys... or is he going to graciously allow his children to have that as I assume he will make them share rather than give up his own toy room?

As others have said - you have the option of a 2 bed ground floor flat with a secure tenancy.. I'd bite their hands off (with or without him but ideally ditch him in the process!)

Babooshka1990 · 04/04/2023 09:53

You need to look to find a place just for you and your children, don’t tell him until it’s all arranged. His behaviour is more serious than being just selfish. He might be doing this on purpose to try and push you to leave, or he’s just abusive as he thinks you can’t leave due to being pregnant. But you bloody can.

Do you have any family or a friends who can be around to help support you during the separation, at the end of pregnancy and when you have a newborn?

DeflatedAgain · 04/04/2023 09:54

Bloody hell

Babooshka1990 · 04/04/2023 09:54

Can you get the 2 bed without him?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 04/04/2023 09:57

You have already done two things OP. You have made a decision and you have put it down on paper as it were (on here)

I suppose you have to decide if you want to continue living with someone who does not care enough to look after you at this vulnerable time, and what of the future with him? It sounds grim.

I think you should talk to him first and then take the council property without him if you think you can manage alone which it does seem you already do.

CocktailsAndSunshine · 04/04/2023 09:58

What replies do you think you'll get that you didn'tget on your other thread?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4776274-cant-choose-where-to-live?reply=125109260

Stickmansmum · 04/04/2023 09:59

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/04/2023 08:13

Just an FYI, you requesting this is totally meaningless.

Show quote history

And that was unnecessarily superior.

raincamepouringdown · 04/04/2023 10:00

go to the council. Tell them you have to be out by the end of the month, you're pregnant with a toddler, and you're leaving your husband at the same time since he's emotionally abusive. Ask for help with housing.

You'll be better off without this waster in your life full time.

Babyandmexox · 04/04/2023 10:01

It does not take 2 weeks to recover from a C-Section and how the fuck would he know?
A top storey flat is not ideal with 2 young children.
He seems in denial about your sons diagnosis.
Also seems like a massive twat.
Take the ‘shitty’ council house for you and your children tell him he can go and find his own accommodation.
Good luck ❤️

Sprinkles21 · 04/04/2023 10:01

Take the two bed and leave him

Scalottia · 04/04/2023 10:03

Why would you have 2nd child with him? Presumably he hasn't changed into a manchild overnight.

Bloody hell, women need to expect better from men and stop having children with losers.

MiniTheMinx · 04/04/2023 10:03

Is 'gold' the highest priority band ?

I'd be inclined to stay put, have baby. Then ask DH to leave. Have LL serve notice and stay put. Get your health visitor and gp, and perhaps if you can the school to write to council. Don't move out of current home until either council offer a home or you are served with eviction. That way you are not intentionally homeless and are high priority for housing. Good luck.

Original poster
Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 10:04

The 2-bed ground floor flat is private but within our budget and offers a 12 month tenancy.

The other place is also private. Up 3 flights of stairs, electric heating band E. Min 6 month tenancy but has an extra room where DH said he’d put his stuff.

Council have done a financial assessment and have placed us on silver additional priority until our tenancy starts coming to an end. Every private 3-bed is now above the budget the council has given us.

I just don’t understand his actions at all. Says it’s selfish to stay put, but refuses to take a/l to look at a 2-bed or accept it. Says it’s useless talking to the council and I’m “delusional” if I think they’ll help us. Offers no constructive advice or support.

OP posts:
MrNook · 04/04/2023 10:08

Boymamabee · 04/04/2023 10:04

The 2-bed ground floor flat is private but within our budget and offers a 12 month tenancy.

The other place is also private. Up 3 flights of stairs, electric heating band E. Min 6 month tenancy but has an extra room where DH said he’d put his stuff.

Council have done a financial assessment and have placed us on silver additional priority until our tenancy starts coming to an end. Every private 3-bed is now above the budget the council has given us.

I just don’t understand his actions at all. Says it’s selfish to stay put, but refuses to take a/l to look at a 2-bed or accept it. Says it’s useless talking to the council and I’m “delusional” if I think they’ll help us. Offers no constructive advice or support.

2 bed ground floor sounds ideal, I wouldn't want to be lugging two kids up to the top floor if I could help it.

I have a toddler and a baby on the way and I'm moving into another 2 bed, you don't need a 3 bed

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish, I'd be really disgusted by him

Zipettydooda · 04/04/2023 10:08

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas
”I think you should talk to him first and then take the council property without him if you think you can manage alone which it does seem you already do.”

No, don’t talk to him first.
As an abusive man, he will have the usual traits which include change of tactic to keep you sweet/ love bombing/ gaslighting etc and after talking to him about it you will feel more confused and in self doubt. Your brain will be in turmoil and you’ll think it’s all in your mind and he’s not so bad after all.
Been there, done it.

I’m afraid you have to do this without him OP but you can do it.Its hard now but you just think of how lovely it will be without him dragging you down.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 04/04/2023 10:10

I would go with the two bed ground floor flat and I would take it without him, just you and the kids.

His attitude to the housing situation is pretty bad, but in my view his attitude to getting your DC assessed for ASD and co-operating with health care professionals is even worse!

snowydays10 · 04/04/2023 10:12

I think you need to talk to friends and family and see what extra support they can provide you, especially as you are expecting soon and need help after a c section and with a newborn. I would also sit down with your partner and explain you want to separate and need to find separate places to live. Maybe this will give him the kick up the a** he needs, or you can focus on rebuilding your own life.

Changeau · 04/04/2023 10:13

I'm amazed at all the posts telling the OP to make herself a single parent. That doesn't usually improve situations apart from in domestic abuse cases.