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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know how to digest this feedback?

233 replies

pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 07:37

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 17:25

Manichean · 04/04/2023 17:10

He sounds like a nasty misogynistic cunt who is scared of you and is trying to see you off. Inauthentic - my big fat smelly arse! That is a criticism you can't defend yourself from because it is fucking meaningless.

A few people (IRL) have asked if it could be the same but I can't work out what the hell he'd be scared about??

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 04/04/2023 17:50

pleasepleasemee · 04/04/2023 16:44

Exactly this. I did try to write him a follow-up on it, but everything I wrote could've been perceived as inauthentic so I didn't send it.

Show quote history

Honestly it's horrible but I think that's why it's not worth it. Get your revenge by continuing to enjoy the club and getting on brilliantly with everyone except Captain Wanker.

FortofPud · 04/04/2023 19:48

Is he older? My instant thought was you are younger and he automatically thinks you're trying to make him fancy you in order to get what you want in the club. But he doesn't want to say any of that so he says some fluff about being inauthentic. He sounds manipulative to me, trying to make you change your bahviour by undermining your confidence whilst being fake helpful.

LoobyDop · 04/04/2023 20:07

There’s no point in revisiting things you’ve said or done to try and work out where you went wrong. It’s not about you. He’s negging you, it’s a power play to put you on the back foot and make you nervous and over-eager to please. He’s a nasty creep- he wants you in a place where he can bully you and put you down and treat you like crap and you react as if he’s a god.

lljkk · 04/04/2023 20:30

It's vague when we don't know the sport. That means we don't know the type of time commitment, whether males & females play together /compete against each other or segregated, whether it's something that the best people did when they were kids, whether it takes years to reach elite level, whether there are limited spaces to get into competitions, what level you compete at, how much travel there is to other parts of Uk to compete...

It would be cool if you can update us what your buddy in club says about how you should interpret the coach's comments.

meganorks · 05/04/2023 09:36

It sounds to me from all your follow ups is that you have changes the dynamic of the social side of things and that's what he (and maybe others) don't like. 'Pushy' seems to mean 'always there'. If previously they could all go about their activity and then the blokes go out for a drink, that's quite different to there now being a woman there. I bet if you stopped going to the social activities there wouldn't be an issue. I'm guessing with the tournament and travelling, the social social side would be a big thing. Did it involve any stays away?

Lndnmummy · 05/04/2023 17:57

Knullrufs · 04/04/2023 08:03

Or the other thing it could be is that if you’re new to the sport (as you say) he has some silly notion that only experienced players do the administrative stuff. And you’ve inadvertently leapfrogged a sort of ‘experience queue’ of other people, all of whom have been players and club members longer than you, and he feels like you’re pushing in a bit. Daft, but plausible.

My God!! Username🤣.

Fellow Swede 👋🏼

Mumof32017 · 05/04/2023 18:00

He’s got issues.

exaltedwombat · 05/04/2023 18:01

He feels uncomfortable about working one-on-one with you. Imagine if HE had suggested it. You'd be asking for advice and getting dire warnings about being alone with him. Well, they work both ways. He's playing safe. Never mind analysing whatever excuse he came up with. He's being sensible. Don't be a cow.

Zoomattheinn · 05/04/2023 18:46

OP you sound like you are a great team player and you are handling a difficult situation with maturity and thoughtfulness. You are open to learning about yourself and how you come across but you’ve been floored by a really negative and unhelpful comment couched in tones of “feedback” and “concern”. This is giving you some cognitive dissonance, hence your confusion. I love the fact the nearly everyone here is telling you that it’s him and not you. I hope you can take comfort and reassurance from these comments.
Please don’t ask others how you come across. You don’t need to and it will get back to him. Don’t give it oxygen. Just be you. You are doing a great service to other women or newbies who join the group. You will overcome this.
This happened recently to a v close friend. She joined a municipal club, open to everyone, to get back into a sport she loved and which she played at Uni. Her team won the league back then but she new she was out of practice. On joining she discovered there were some v good, v young ( young teenage) players -all female - being coached for excellence by a male coach. She absolutely understood that she was never going to get a game but the training was really helping her and she loved it. The coach tried to get her to leave in a roundabout way on several occasions. He questioned if she could afford. (She absolutely could) She said she was happy to do whatever he wanted her to do and she was happy to train on her own if that’s what he wanted but unless he told her outright to leave she would keep attending because she was getting so much out of it and there were no other clubs nearby. She was deeply hurt by some of the humiliations he heaped on her but she kept smiling. Kept doing what she was told and powered through. She made friends with the older team members and was endlessly kind to the younger ones. Now the coach has accepted her and is offering some specialist training for her when the others are playing a game. She’s just called to say she had her best session ever this week. If you conform to the criteria for membership and you are getting so much out of it, don’t give up. You are wise enough to see this comment for what it is. Don’t change your personality to conform to his prejudices.

zurala · 05/04/2023 19:27

exaltedwombat · 05/04/2023 18:01

He feels uncomfortable about working one-on-one with you. Imagine if HE had suggested it. You'd be asking for advice and getting dire warnings about being alone with him. Well, they work both ways. He's playing safe. Never mind analysing whatever excuse he came up with. He's being sensible. Don't be a cow.

Wtf? How is she being a "cow" and what a horrible thing to say!

Catoo · 05/04/2023 19:33

OP he is a massive prick.
You’ve come into what he sees as his domain, where women are tolerated but not welcome as equals by the sound of it.

He would NEVER talk to a man like that. Not even the most enthusiastic man on earth!

I really don’t think you did a thing wrong. If you had behaved in exactly the same way but were male, there would be zero problem.

If I loved this sport I would go and enjoy it, grey rock him as much as possible, and if I wanted to volunteer my time more, find another interest/community group to join as well.

I beg you to stop thinking you did anything wrong, except maybe respect this puffed up arsehole. X

Justalittlebitduckling · 05/04/2023 19:34

Really awkward and personal and weird. I think he’s projecting.

IAcceptCookies · 05/04/2023 19:36

exaltedwombat · 05/04/2023 18:01

He feels uncomfortable about working one-on-one with you. Imagine if HE had suggested it. You'd be asking for advice and getting dire warnings about being alone with him. Well, they work both ways. He's playing safe. Never mind analysing whatever excuse he came up with. He's being sensible. Don't be a cow.

Christ on a bike!

Are you the man in question? How is OP being "a cow"?

Decorate · 05/04/2023 19:40

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/04/2023 08:04

I must ask, has he given you any indication that he is interested in you? I have on occasion had weird comments like that, that was always followed by being hit on.

This was my first thought too

Catoo · 05/04/2023 19:42

exaltedwombat · 05/04/2023 18:01

He feels uncomfortable about working one-on-one with you. Imagine if HE had suggested it. You'd be asking for advice and getting dire warnings about being alone with him. Well, they work both ways. He's playing safe. Never mind analysing whatever excuse he came up with. He's being sensible. Don't be a cow.

Do you by any chance run a social club dominated by men and feel uncomfortable when women join because you can’t behave like a twat anymore?

JudgeRudy · 05/04/2023 19:49

Wow. I'm surprised how many people think the coach has a hidden agenda yet OP couldn't possible have a hidden agenda herself! It's quite possible both are being honest an authentic.
Could it just be that the coach isn't used to such enthusiasm and 'decent, respectful' behaviour and is actually not 'accusing' anyone but simply saying you get no points for arse licking. He could also be hinting at 'turn it in love, its cringey'.
OP on the other hand could be completely confident in her skin to the point she's quite comfortable saying 'I'm a bit rubbish atm, but I could sure learn from you. You're fantastic'
No ones wrong, just different styles. I don't think he's got in in for you. This was a private conversation not a public put down.
Just reign in your inner Head Girl/prefect.

GreyGoose1980 · 05/04/2023 19:50

Hi OP
I’m a trained mediator alongside my job so often help people give constructive feedback. What he’s said to you is not constructive. He’s not given you specific examples of any actual behaviours you can change, he’s just made a misplaced assumption about your motives and criticised your overall integrity. He’s made himself seem really petty and really unsupportive / unwelcoming to new people.

I think this hobby is probably a bit of an old boys club and he isn’t comfortable with a new woman joining in and he’s trying to close ranks against you, make you feel you are ‘unauthentic’ within this sport. No wonder you are one of the only new people trying to integrate yourself into the social side of the club.

TrainedByCats · 05/04/2023 19:52

He sounds like a weirdo tbh not surprised there’s not many women

TrainedByCats · 05/04/2023 19:53

GreyGoose1980 · 05/04/2023 19:50

Hi OP
I’m a trained mediator alongside my job so often help people give constructive feedback. What he’s said to you is not constructive. He’s not given you specific examples of any actual behaviours you can change, he’s just made a misplaced assumption about your motives and criticised your overall integrity. He’s made himself seem really petty and really unsupportive / unwelcoming to new people.

I think this hobby is probably a bit of an old boys club and he isn’t comfortable with a new woman joining in and he’s trying to close ranks against you, make you feel you are ‘unauthentic’ within this sport. No wonder you are one of the only new people trying to integrate yourself into the social side of the club.

This poster has put it so much better than my ‘weirdo’ comment

DetectiveDouche · 05/04/2023 20:16

I would have a lot less respect for him after that conversation!! If you are exactly as you’ve described (and I’m not saying you are lying or exaggerating, just sometimes we perceive ourselves a little differently to how we actually come across) then you have done absolutely nothing wrong and to change yourself now, to try to act on what he’s said, would be to become as inauthentic as he has accused you of! The irony!

I’d find a new team

Prettydress · 05/04/2023 20:34

In the nicest possible way, if he genuinely thought what he said - only an utter twat would actually say it. His issue is what - that you're too helpful? you're too keen? You're making too much effort to be nice? Who has an issue with that? I'm assuming it's a community sports club. He doesn't decide who can and cannot belong to it. You genuinely sound lovely. Don't second guess yourself. You're clearly successful at being you. Don't change. X

Inwiththenew · 05/04/2023 21:39

He sounds like a narc and his therapist has told him to be more honest and authentic.

GreenSunfish · 05/04/2023 22:11

HotPenguin · 04/04/2023 07:58

It's not you, it's him! Most clubs would be delighted to have a new member who's keen to help out. I think his comment was actually quite weird. It's like he's trying to unsettle you and make sure he's "dominant". I'd brush it off and give him a wide berth.

This 👆

CountessWindyBottom · 05/04/2023 22:16

Knullrufs · 04/04/2023 08:00

Some social/sports clubs are delicate little fiefdoms of invisible lunacy.

My gut says you’ve stumbled into some unspoken, long-standing beef between two (or more) other people who can’t communicate with each other. You know the sort of thing — ‘Oh no, you can’t drive the minibus, Brian always drives the minibus.’

I think this is absolutely spot on. While his comments are more reflective of him than you OP, I do think that this is all potentially quite nuanced. I'd continue to go, I'd continue to enjoy it but you may find by stepping back and watching and learning how they interact then you can actually garner huge respect on an incremental level from your fellow club members. And you can get to properly know them. I'm also extrovert but I think there is a lot to be said sometimes for just not letting your full light shine at the start and letting people grow to love you and what an asset you are rather than throwing yourself in head first. I'd say nothing. Chalk it down to odd adult/club related interaction and I can absolutely bet that you'll be friends in no time and you can tell him what a wanker he was to you when you first joined.

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