To not know how to digest this feedback?

[pleasepleasemee]

I play a (mixed) sport and I'm new to it. I joined a social club associated with it. Most people know each other and I'm newer. I'm one of few women. I try to attend every possible game/event (even if I'm not playing), to learn more, get to know people better etc.

The coach is someone I really really respect

I offered to help the him organise a tournament.

At our first meeting about it, he sat me down and said he was reluctant to take me up on my offer because he felt I was unauthentic around him and it made him very uncomfortable. He said he felt I was always trying to say the right thing, so that I got more opportunities to play.

He said it with absolute kindness and in the interest of improving the situation and being transparent, but nonetheless I was absolutely shocked. I'm a bit nervous around him because I respect him and because I'm the new person on the wider team but with absolutely no agenda other than to just be respectful and not piss anyone off or seem over-familiar, when I'm still new.

I'm a very extroverted person and very confident to be myself and the last thing I've ever been called is unauthentic. I have a successful career and a huge network (both professionally and socially) and the feedback I always have is that I'm down-to-earth and relatable! So this is really not something I've come across.

What was really unsettling was that he felt I was doing it to gain favour to get to play more matches, when genuinely this hadn't even occurred to me. I assumed I'd play more once I improved!

The conversation was very respectful but now every time I interact with him (which is a ton) I feel uncomfortable that I'm coming across that way again. The irony is that NOW I'm probably being unauthentic. I read into every single interaction with him now, which I never did previously.

I also feel like there are some things left unsaid as I having been reflecting on it (particularly around the misconception that I'm trying to 'suck up'). I would like another opportunity to say my piece now I've digested his feedback. I don't want to come across defensive but I do feel I was too blindsided to give a fully formed response.

I'm not sure how I come back from his now. He really did approach it very respectfully and it didn't upset me as such, but nonetheless I'm not sure what to do with the information, particularly as there was no inauthenticity intended in the first place.

This is a very good post. I'd add, to just make sure that you are never seen to be flirting with any of the men and do talk to/make friends with their partners at any events they are at. You could even try to recruit some of them to increase the number of women. Don't give him any ammunition to try to label you as "trouble", but do stop respecting him; he isn't worthy of it.

Nah, the problem’s with him, not you. He sounds like a twat.

eh it’s a clique sport club thing. My son does a sport where he has to join a club and the politics of it are just bat shit where we now do the absolute min we have to with the club to allow him to compete. Micro aggressions galore.

There's a lot of people saying he feels threatened, but I think this is often used without justification. The implication is that the person has only received negative feedback because they are so fauloulous.

For me it's not that, it's that this kind of personal feedback in a non-personal environment is so inappropriate. This guy does not (or should not) have the kind of relationship with people in a club where he's a leader to tell someone essentially, that he doesn't like their personality.

The OP said herself that he "said it with absolute kindness" and "very respectfully".

Tough one. Group dynamics are very tricky. I have to admit that I'm not always super-keen on overly enthusiastic extrovert types and can find them a bit overbearing. Especially if they want to be involved in absolutely everything. But if that's the OP, then people wouldn't usually say anything. It's very unusual for someone to be given that sort of feedback directly.

OP, maybe the bloke's done you a favour, or maybe he's just an arsehole. You'll have to be the judge.

Strikes me as very odd - you offered your help and he decided to give you unasked-for feedback about his perecptions of you as a person - a person he hardly knows. I'm glad you're not upset, but this is not normal behaviour. It's way over the line and I wonder if it's his way of making you feel small? Either way, I would avoid, he's not really respectful of you, despite his tone.

It’s a him issue.

Ha - good point - my misogynist coach is a gay man, so less of an issue.

I'd like to add that I very proactively socialise and make friends - this massively helped in getting people to use their male privilege to address inequalities on my behalf. Someone else suggested to keep away from social events - please don't do that, bonding outside of the sport can be really important, don't take away that fun for yourself if you enjoy it.

I suspect there is something in this. I also wonder if he is possibly saying this with a relatively kind intention (even if there is no good way of doing it), as it's not just personal feedback from him - others may also be put out of joint by someone relatively new attempting to jump into the tournament work without longer exposure to the politics and personalities. And clubs where people are doing it due to passion and competitiveness do usually have batshit political history.

Can't imagine why they need to ask for volunteers, if those who DO step up are accused of trying to get on the team other than by merit!

Yeah and BET he wouldn't have said that to a big brick shithouse of a bloke.

You could be very open about it - while other people are there, perhaps when volunteering is mentioned, summarize the conversation and ask why he said this, has there been a history of people exercising favouritism when picking teams?
Because it reflects badly on the organisation that he even thought someone might consider that, and it reflects badly on him that he accused someone of trying to curry favour when they responded to a request for volunteers. Say that only he knows what his intentions were but you were shocked and offended.

I kind of think either the air has to be cleared properly and in public or ... stuff just festers.

But ultimately do what you think best.

yeah this is my thoughts too, he thinks you're arse kissing to try and get favourable treatment (you might not be, but that's what he thinks).

He isn't threatened by you despite what others have said, he's the coach and your the newbie, so why would he be threatened?

I didn't get the impression that OP was treading on any toes. However I understand both sides of the situation.

Urgh I can imagine how painful and unexpected this was! Poor you. Not exactly the same but I once had an outpouring of really personal feedback from a manager who I'd previously liked and respected and it was absolutely awful. That too was totally inaccurate (I mean in terms of judging my motivations completely wrongly, as well as in terms of stating that everyone agreed with their opinion of me when it turned out they really didn't.)

I knew it was unfair and unkind, but it took me a good while to really process how totally inappropriate it was - bullying basically. In my case it turned out they had form for doing this seemingly at random to people, and I wonder if your coach is the same.

Even if you have been a bit "keen" that's not a bad thing, he could have easily just said nicely that you seem very enthusiastic or joked that you don't need to put your hand up for everything (I realise you haven't). And even if he thought the things he said, that would be weird but that's his own business, he's made the choice to say these things with you so however "kindly" he said them, it still makes him a prick because the only reason to say these things is to crush you.

Just know, as so many have said here, that it's all about him and nothing to do with you. You'll probably never know exactly why he's decided to take you to task about these things (which are in his own head), so don't torture yourself with it. Just keep arms length and very professional with him as far as possible and enjoy making friends and playing your sport with the others.

I was genuinely worried that this what "everyone" was saying about me, and that couldn't have been further from the truth. I'm sure it's the same with you as you sound friendly and enthusiastic and nice.

He's a weirdo. I'd try to find another club.

sorry about the accidental typo - I meant say these things TO you.

Some people really are so lacking in confidence/negative in perspective that they see others being friendly or nice as "sucking up". I've been told that I'm sucking up when I've complimented someone's clothing before - never mind that I probably say something nice about another person every day of my life, the one time it's to my manager that's sucking up apparently. I've learnt to just ignore this kind of comment because if I listened I'd be second guessing myself whenever I try to do or say a nice thing.

Yeah, he's trying to "put you in your place".
Make friends in the group, but cool it towards him. Just stop trying with him: it hasn't been appreciated.
What other people think of you should be none of your business. Unfortunately, he's made this personal, instead of about the sport.

Honestly, I wouldn't even dignify it with any further response. Who know why he said such an inappropriate thing, but I would just try to remember that any problem definitely lies with him and not you. Keep being your lovely enthusiastic self and don't let it stop you from joining in, volunteering and enjoying yourself!

Grey rock him. If there's anything further, just a gentle "I'll take that on board" and then ignore completely!!!

Maybe he feels threatened by your being a confident woman, or by having a woman participating more and changing the dynamic of the team - but that's his problem, not yours, and it's an unreasonable one.

Nobody can demand your "authenticity". Nobody except you has the right or ability to judge what is "authentic" for you!

Even in a professional environment this kind if feedback is inapropriate. I've learned the hard way to be wary of managers in any context that want to talk about their own negative feeling and insecurities couched as 'helpful feedback'. Their job is to help you be the best that you can be at the job, not to pick apart your personality.

I'm the opposite of OP, and have terrible social anxiety, so the 'helpful feedback' I get is that I'm too needy and don't speak up enough. The OP is too pushy and just being friendly to get what she wants. You can't win this one.

There's something horrible about being called "inauthentic" as well, you can't really argue with it can you because it's totally in the eye of the beholder. Twatbag.

this is how I see it. he probably has a lot of newcomers who are "try hard" in order to play more and he's probably assigning those motives to you.

Exactly this. I did try to write him a follow-up on it, but everything I wrote could've been perceived as inauthentic so I didn't send it.

How about - 'I came to play sports, not mind games, get over yourself'.

If this coach perceives that people are volunteering to help solely because they want more opportunities to play, he needs to think about whether he is actually allowing members enough opportunities. It sounds as if the reality is that new people aren't really getting a fair chance, so maybe he should think about setting up events that they specifically can take part in?

If new people, particularly new women members, aren't getting chosen for events and it's frowned on if they're keen enough to turn up to watch, effectively he's driving them away. Which is surely the reverse of what he is supposed to be doing.

He sounds like a nasty misogynistic cunt who is scared of you and is trying to see you off. Inauthentic - my big fat smelly arse! That is a criticism you can't defend yourself from because it is fucking meaningless.