Can't sleep - child let themself out yesterday evening

[Cheapcookies]

Can't sleep from the sheer stress of the what ifs.

Last night I took my dog for a walk. DH was with DD (nearly 4). He rang me at 8pm in bits saying she'd let herself out.

She had got out of bed, come downstairs, opened the front door and gone out in to the street and was stood on the corner. A neighbour was going to the shops and waited in his car before realising we weren't with her and her shoes weren't on, so brought her home. 2 houses distance away.

I can't stop thinking about the what ifs.
DH said he didn't hear the door going, he was on the phone. She said she wanted me and knew I was outside on a walk.

I went to speak to the neighbour and have thanked him profusely. He said his eldest did the same thing once.

For some reason I've convinced myself that ss will be called.

I've ordered a security chain that we can put high up on the door. I feel like the world's worst parent. She is safe, nothing happened other than mum and dad having the fright of their absolute lives. But I'm really struggling to process this.

There are so many 'what if' times as a parent 😞

Your dd is safe, you've bought a chain for your door. Thank your lucky stars! And know you're a good parent as you've learnt from this and are now thinking of other things you could do.

Dd1 once fell down the stairs. I was so upset that I had let that happen. But, she was fine and an extra stair gate was installed upstairs after that.

I think you're stuck in the "what ifs". Remind yourself that the what ifs didn't happen, and reassure yourself that youwill keep the door safe from her in the meantime until the high up lock appears.

That sounds really awful and scary and I’m not surprised you can’t sleep. Take a few days to process it. It wasn’t your fault in any way though. Hope the security chain comes soon!

This, definitely talk it out with family/friends as the what ifs ruminating is horrible.
You're making the right moves to ensure it doesn't happen again. Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

I will share mine.

DD (walking, but in nappies) was playing in the garden with me. The garden and kitchen were divided by huge sliding door which was open. I went to put water on to boil for pasta, and went to the loo.

There was a knock a the front door. I opened it and there was dd on the steps. A man was walking away, but stopped to turn and make sure I opened the door.

I think she went out the side gate when I went to the loo. She only had a nappy on.

i still have what ifs. Soemtimes they overwhelm me for a few minutes at a time even though she is now 13.

I always thank God for the kidness of strangers.

You had a 2 yr old and left them alone in the garden while putting on food and going to the toilet? Is this a common thing people do? My toddler comes with me at that age. Or did you potty train later and they were 3/4?

What if she hadn't gone out looking for you yesterday evening? That would have left you unaware that she was continuing to be at risk of wandering out some other time, perhaps when there wasn't a friendly neighbour around, or when there was a fast-moving van which could hit her, or any number of things. It's a stroke of luck that this particular risk has been revealed to you with no negative consequences, allowing you to put a simple solution in place.

At least, that's one way you could look at it. You can drive yourself nuts with what-ifs. Every day, lots of horrible things don't happen to you. Yesterday, nobody lost control of their car, mounted the kerb, and killed you all; nobody in your family ate food contaminated with a deadly strain of food poisoning; you didn't all die from a carbon monoxide leak because someone made a mistake with maintenance.

We'd all have to have a lot more hours every evening to go over all the things that could have seriously harmed us that day but, through chance, didn't. Of course it's more natural to obsess over the bad things that seemed to nearly occur, and even more over the ones that did occur, but it's no more productive, and it's all a game of chance anyway. All you can do is lower the chances where it's practical to do so, and you've been given (and have taken) the opportunity to do that.

I always leave my toddler playing while I’m in another room cooking! It’s perfectly okay to do this!!

From the other side:

When a teenager still living at home, I saw a baby with just a nappy on sitting in the middle of our street. The street would sometimes be frequented by speeding cars, and he was sitting near the bottom of a hilly section. He would have been difficult to see by oncoming cars if they were going too fast or the drivers not paying attention. Luckily enough, I knew the house the baby belonged to, so I rushed out, grabbed him and delivered him home. His parents were shocked 😳

I didn't blame them at all, even then. Crawling babies and toddlers are tricksy. My own toddler crept into a pool area (that's another story). You simply need to learn from it, put in some safeguards and be as vigilant as possible.

Really? Mine absolutely couldn't be left unsupervised, my eldest would have literally climbed the curtain but even my 20 months old daughter who is largely sensible and can play independently for short periods needs checked every 2 minutes or shes standing on the footstood taking dives off it. Do other people's under 2s not constantly endanger themselves? Also there's a difference between another room and in the garden.

“Really? Mine absolutely couldn't be left unsupervised, my eldest would have literally climbed the curtain but even my 20 months old daughter who is largely sensible and can play independently for short periods needs checked every 2 minutes or shes standing on the footstood taking dives off it. Do other people's under 2s not constantly endanger themselves? Also there's a difference between another room and in the garden.”

Yes, really. It’s pretty hard to believe your kids receive 24 /7 security detail.

Why did you just randomly assume that the posters daughter was 2…

The walking but still in nappies comment, mine walked before 1 and potty trained at 2 and 2.5. I recognize my nephews were almost 4 before potty training so some older kids will still be in nappies but the 'walkibg but still in nappies' made m think they'd more recently started to walk and most children walk before they are 2.

The what ifs will scare you but ultimately she was fine and you've both had a fright. Either get a door that locks when you close it or you get into the habit of locking your door when you go out and putting a chain on. At 4 you can also have the talk of not going out on their own and see how they understand.

It's not security detail to be in the same room with a toddler or constantly checking on a toddler is it? Surely that's normal parenting? My 5 yr old, no, he take himself off and plays Lego or with his costumes or whatever in his room and runs up and down the stairs but the under 2 yr old? Yeah she's pretty constantly supervised.

My eldest at just under 4 did once escape out our front door, first he let the dog out then ran out after him. I was 2 feet from him but the boy is fast as nd I hadn't realized he could reach the Yale lock. Lesson learnt.

My mother in law keeps saying she got loud bells for her doors after her youngest made an escape attempt as a toddler. Just to make noise. Might be worth a complement to the chain, though hopefully that does it. So glad it worked out ok in the end and you have great neighbours

Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens.

I've returned several children over the years. wandering in the street, lost in a store, stuck in their window.

I figured the universe connected them with this old grandma to help them outso I did.

It happens, the what ifs did NOT happen, she's safe and now you know she can reach to do that and is confident enough to do that, so you'll put measures in place to stop it.

I've returned several kids home - 5 year old on a bike, well not, actually on the floor in floods of tears, coat cord stuck in the bike chain - she'd snuck out the gate whilst parents thought she was in the garden then fallen off her bike when her coat got caught up.

4 year old being babysat by grandma had gone out looking for Mummy whilst grandma had fallen asleep, getting herself out of bed, over a baby gate and then half climbing up a door frame to open the door (was a friend of a friends kid hence getting the 'how in the heck did she...' story). I found her trundling along to the shop at the end of the road for sweeties!

Random 2ish year old in nappy and tshirt wandering down my street, no idea how i assume the gate was easy to open, i turned him around and herded him back up and he turned into an open gate so I knocked and he did belong there (I got an angry glare and the door slammed in my face for my troubles on that occasion!)

At the age of 5 I led a 'mass' escape from school playground and the 4 of us (my entire year plus one from the year above, tiny school!) made it out of the yard, up the steps and halfway along the ginnel before we were busted. The yard gate in question was in sight of where the dinnerladies stood to supervise us, so they'd obviously been too busy chatting whilst we made our break for freedom!

No my toddler isn’t constantly supervised. I go to the toilet, cook etc. I’m not saying I don’t keep checking on him but to have him in the same room as me 24/7 is extreme. Sometimes I even leave him watching tv in my bed whilst I have a shower! God forbid.

It happens, and now you know you can make sure that the door is bolted.

My DD3 got out once when she was about 2. I was in the shower and my Dmum was supposed to be watching her. We couldn't find her anywhere. Just as I was starting to panic her sister found her in the treehouse someway down the garden. We didn't know she could open the door let alone climb the tree. Door was kept locked from there on.

honestly, don’t worry. When I was 4 I escaped and walked all the way to the local shop. I lived in a small village and the owner called my mum to collect me. My mum had no idea I was away 😂

these things happen. You can’t watch them 24/8, despite what people say - it’s literally
not possible.

try not to think about it. One day you’ll laugh about it, I promise you.

24/7 obvs 🙄

Sheesh, you poor thing. Some kids do this.
Thankfully your neighbour found her. Good idea with the high up door chain.

I remember once putting my toddlers to bed for a daytime nap. I went outside to get something from the car for work and looked up to see my 2 year old daughter sitting on her windowsill with the window open and her legs dangling out. Third floor of the house no less. She waved at me and I freaked out! Her window was usually locked but it had been opened by painters the week prior and although I closed it, I just never remembered to lock it. So she opened it and thought she was the bees knees.

My husband had something similar happen to him as your DH. Youngest son had nothing on except his gruffalo welly boots and a bumblebee backpack, decided he’d take the dog for a walk. He only got to the bottom of the driveway before my DH noticed the door was wide open.

I think we learn from these moments. They don’t make us bad parents. You and your DH assumed your little one to be asleep, just like I did with my DD. In my case, I always now remember to lock windows. We live and learn. Forgive yourself and your DH, give your little one a huge hug and get that door chain.

If it helps I let myself out at 5. Took my bike and went to a nearby friends house.

My dad was a SAHP but was unwell and had fallen asleep on the sofa. My mum went mad at the time but now I’m a 30yo with my own kids it’s just a funny story. It really does happen to everyone I think x

I used to be the chair of a preschool and was once called in as there had been a "major safeguarding incident' - a child in preschool uniform was found wandering on the street outside the school. The staff were beside themselves. Except as is turned out child X wasn't at preschool that morning, they'd got themselves up, dressed, let themselves out and made their way into the village to preschool then found they couldn't get in (place was like Fort knox). Their poor mum didn't even know they were gone. Word went round the village and the hardware shop ran out of door chains by the end of the day as we had a collective case if the "what ifs".