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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
Lamelie · 03/04/2023 19:20

ExtraHotConsumeAtOwnRisk · 03/04/2023 13:05

Baby's first what?

That's really important. I suspect you've written this really carefully because you know that if you include what it is, people will say you are being unreasonable...

Not really. 6 hour trip to the grave of someone he wasn’t close to shouldn’t take precedent over anything

Nailsandthesea · 03/04/2023 19:23

LlamaFace19 · 03/04/2023 12:45

That is bizarre. I'd put money on he's not actually going to the grave.

This

KvotheTheBloodless · 03/04/2023 19:27

If it's Eid, Qingming or Easter then YABU, visiting graves is part of all 3 of those festivals.

If it's something really obscure then YANBU, and it's weird that he's insisting on going on that day. I'd think affair.

marcopront · 03/04/2023 20:07

@BananasP

As for not mentioning the festival, yes it will be outing because of the details ive already mentioned on the OP. I've spoken to people in RL about this and I know they are on MNs.

Do you think there are multiple people with this particular issue, who all celebrate different festivals?

If not then you have already outed yourself and mentioning the festival will make no difference.

lemontrees22 · 04/04/2023 13:39

I'm surprised this thread is still going...

What's the conclusion here , anyone keen to update? 😩

Cinderellaspumpkin · 04/04/2023 14:19

Why is everyone assuming the festival is Eid and not Passover ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2023 14:31

Cinderellaspumpkin · 04/04/2023 14:19

Why is everyone assuming the festival is Eid and not Passover ?

Or Qingming?

Probably because they know more people who celebrate Eid than the other days. Depending on where you live and who you know

LifeExperience · 04/04/2023 14:37

He's using his cousin's death as an excuse to check out of family life. I would have serious issues with a man who didn't want to celebrate his child's first birthday.

His indifference to his family, if he's unwilling to change, would be a dealbreaker for me.

Ukrainebaby23 · 04/04/2023 17:54

Sorry but I'm down the is he having an affair, or up to something else?? path.
Men from my life have behaved in this way and been proven subsequently to be doing something I wouldn't approve of. Especially round bank Holidays, it seems the other person in their life doesn't like to share.
So yanbu, but perhaps you voukd bluff by saying you'll go with to the grave visit...even though I'm sure you don't want to, quite possibly worth it

Darlingx · 04/04/2023 17:55

If you are practising plot twists for a book, this one is far too obvious.

Like if every Xmas dinner, he had to leave for six hours then ... shock .... it turns out he has a whole other family in the next town along.

Mind you, there's plenty of times that's happened with the woman oblivious as well! One of my best friend's dad's in fact did thys their whole childhood. Weird what red flags people can ignore.

Exactly my father would say he is just popping to the workshop even on Christmas day but at this point my mother was livid. Before this at 13 I knew by gut instinct he was having an affair my mother was ignoring the red flags until that Christmas day so just be aware it might be his get out of jail card because he knows u won’t want to go there.

Justontherightsideofnormal · 04/04/2023 18:05

@BananasP
I'm making a guess..... do you own a VW ? If so is your dd first festival bugjam? If so what a lucky girly I LOVE BUGJAM!

Wonnle · 04/04/2023 18:11

Justontherightsideofnormal · 04/04/2023 18:05

@BananasP
I'm making a guess..... do you own a VW ? If so is your dd first festival bugjam? If so what a lucky girly I LOVE BUGJAM!

It's also Easter Fest at Walton-on-Thames !

Lamaitresse · 04/04/2023 18:12

This made me cross. Baby’s first what??? Now I have to rtft to find out, grrrrr.

Sn1859 · 04/04/2023 18:13

I haven’t gone through all of the millions of comments so someone may have touched on this or it’s already faaaar too late but does he go with you to visit your brother/family when you go? It makes me wonder if he’s using it as an excuse not to go there

Dibbydoos · 04/04/2023 18:17

Are you sure he's going to tge grave?

Sorry but his behaviour is completely off esp on his child's first birthday...

Shona52 · 04/04/2023 18:22

I have to agree with others that he’s using the time for something else. The story just doesn’t add up that he visits a grave of someone he had little to no contacts and wasn’t close makes no sense

ElfieLea · 04/04/2023 18:25

Offer a compromise and see how he reacts. I'd assume he has family living local to the gravesite so offer to celebrate with them.

toxic44 · 04/04/2023 18:26

My first response was that he isn't being truthful about where he's going and why. It sounds a bit too far-fetched.

Justontherightsideofnormal · 04/04/2023 18:28

@Wonnle
It could be that also, is that specifically for VW owners 😂

TheSnowyOwl · 04/04/2023 18:34

If you object to him missing his daughter’s first festival then you probably object to him missing the first time she walked, stood, blinked, spoke, ate, vomited, laughed etc and he doesn’t see the firsts as landmarks anymore but as continuous burdens.

Katieandthekids · 04/04/2023 18:45

Chuckydidit · 03/04/2023 12:52

Did he kill the cousin?

Omg!!

BritishDesiGirl · 04/04/2023 18:50

No it's not. Definitely not part of Eid.

Daisybee6 · 04/04/2023 18:51

Does he not care much about this particular festival?

If not, just leave him to it and celebrate with your daughter

tachetastic · 04/04/2023 18:52

I skipped pages 2-7, but I would suggest that you say that you and your DD will support him by going to visit his cousin's grave with him. See if his face lights up with joy or if he splutters in panic. Then you'll know.

SweetSakura · 04/04/2023 18:54

If this is real then it's obvious it's a cover for an affair or similar.

Noone makes frequent 6 hour round trips to visit the grave of someone they weren't even close to.

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