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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Celebrate at grave instead of babys first

246 replies

BananasP · 03/04/2023 12:41

We have a big celebration/festival coming up. It will also be our baby girls first one, so extra special. OH wants to go and visit his cousins grave on the day, 3 hour drive away approx, each way. So he will miss out on a fairly large chunk of the day. He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead. When I've spoken to OH about this hes said he doesn't regret saying this. So it's not like he goes to visit the grave out of regret.

Normally I go and visit my brother and his family for a few hours, OH is saying he will go during that time. It still doesn't really make any difference as he will still be away for 6 or so hours, a large chunk of the day.

I'm just getting pissed off because it's our baby girls first and hes just prioritising something completely unnecessary. For the past year OH has been doing this, he'll say 'I've got to go visit the grave, it's my cousins first birthday since he died' or 'its his one month anniversary since his death'. OH will makes it into some type of ritual like he has to do it,there no religious significance to him going to visit on his grave on festival day. I've said why don't you go the day before or after he'll just reply, I want to go on that day.
Any other year I wouldn't care to much but this is our babys first.

AIBU? I'm just fed up with this shit.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2023 17:05

BananasP · 03/04/2023 15:21

Seriously, the people saying hes having an affair need to chill out, hes really not , well 99% sure hes not. More likely to be to avoid family life previous posters have said. But this is taking the actual piss, there is no logic to what hes doing.

As for not mentioning the festival, yes it will be outing because of the details ive already mentioned on the OP. I've spoken to people in RL about this and I know they are on MNs.

To make it clear the festival has absolutely nothing to do with visiting the dead or celebrating death or whatever. I totally understand dd with have no understanding of the celebration or remember anything, but it would be nice to spend it as a family together.

He disappears on a six hour round trip to the grave of someone he didn't even like. You can't possibly know whether he's having an affair or not.

Also, stating a festival won't be outing in the slightest! Unless you and your family are the only people in the world celebrating it!

This thread is bonkers.

Rewis · 03/04/2023 17:18

Did this start after the child was born?

Wheresrebeccabunch · 03/04/2023 17:28

I don’t think he’s having an affair OP. I think he might be a narcissist like a pp suggested. He’s can’t be bothered to take part in something not about him. Here’s a description, does this sound like him?

A narcissist can so easily play the victim on a day that’s not about them. Their aim is pure and simple – to play on people’s empathy and shift the focus off the other person’s special day and back onto them.
They may use an illness, the death of someone they know or even loss of a job to play the victim

Pertinentowl · 03/04/2023 17:29

I’ve never visited anyone’s graves on Eid.
I have however been dressed up in extremely large frilly dresses on Eid while people either visit us or we visit them while everyone takes thousands of pictures of me and gives me money. It’s a life festival, not a dead one.

Trinity65 · 03/04/2023 17:37

This poor OP

The amount of you that declare "must be an affair"
wtf
Poor woman might now be worrying he is when perhaps she didn't fret about it before.
Awful.

caringcarer · 03/04/2023 17:41

When I visit my Mum's grave with flowers it only takes me 10 or 15 mins tops. Why does he need whole day? I think he is going somewhere else you may not like OP.

Wonnle · 03/04/2023 17:44

I'm at a loss as to what the OP's OH is going to be celebrating at his cousins graveside

FeetupTvon · 03/04/2023 17:46

BananasP · 03/04/2023 13:03

No I doubt it's an affair. The other alternative would be for us to go with him, which he would be ok with, but why on earth would I want to take baby to spend our celebration at a graveyard. Just thinking about it is pissing me off

He is ok about you going because he knows you won’t.
why would you doubt it’s an affair? A lot of people have no idea.

Theo1756 · 03/04/2023 17:52

I agree that sounds rather dodgy and a strange reason to visit. It sounds like such a lazy lie that there must be better excuses he could give if he was keeping something from you. Is there any other of his family nearer to the grave that you can ask to accompany your OH so he isn’t alone in his grief? Maybe send him with flowers and ask for him to take a photo of them on the grave? I’m not quite sure from the original post how long he has been telling you he needs to visit on this particular day, but I agree time to confront this.

NameChangeNumber359 · 03/04/2023 17:56

I would imagine you've outed yourself already - what with the dead cousin/baby's first whatever.
But no, you're not being unreasonable to ask your husband to spend a particular day with you rather than buggering off for 6 hours to the grave of a cousin he didn't have much time for when they were alive.
Like other pp's, I don't think he's going there at all (not saying it's an affair necessarily). I would call his bluff and go with him, even if not this time.

Blossomtoes · 03/04/2023 18:03

I’m mystified and intrigued. Wtf is the first?

Rosula · 03/04/2023 18:04

I take it you've asked him why he's so keen on these humungous journeys to visit his cousin's grave when he couldn't be arsed to see him when he was alive? What does he reply?

viques · 03/04/2023 18:05

Buy some flowers and tell your OH you want him to take a photo of them at the grave so you are able to check if he actually went there share the grieving memory.

Tontostitis · 03/04/2023 18:06

Well this is odd

MavisMcMinty · 03/04/2023 18:08

Rosula · 03/04/2023 18:04

I take it you've asked him why he's so keen on these humungous journeys to visit his cousin's grave when he couldn't be arsed to see him when he was alive? What does he reply?

Excellent question.

BeautifulWar · 03/04/2023 18:11

Does he feel obliged to conform to cultural or family expectations? Is there another way he could honour this cousin's memory that doesn't impact your day?

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 03/04/2023 18:12

Having a dc signed him up for being available for that dc. As tedious as occasions with very small dc can be as the df he should be there with his dp. Regardless of it being the celebration of it's first tooth /poo /bike ride etc... You are being had here op. In some way or other.. Be it ow or cba attitude.. Neither of which you need to accept.

dittbtdity · 03/04/2023 18:26

Gablonz · 03/04/2023 13:36

More information needed.
What's the festival?
Does visiting graves of loved ones have something to do with the festival?
What are the cultural/religious norms of visiting graves?

I feel like you are deliberately withholding information to get people to agree with you.
I live in a Catholic country. I'm a Catholic myself but there's a huge difference in how people mark All Saints Day here compared to British Catholics (ie. not celebrated at all, some people might go to Mass etc). In this country Catholics traipse half way round the country to visit the graves of their loved ones on All Saints Day. If their deceased Mum is 3 hours away, that's where they will be going. If a child happens to have a birthday on that day it will be celebrated either wherever they happen to end up on that day, or on another day.
Even people who are no longer Catholic/don't believe etc. do this.

So again, what's the context to this story?

Context isn't relevant.

The Issue is he would rather spend the day, and 6 hours on the road, visiting the grave of someone he hated than be with his family.

Weird, no??

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/04/2023 18:30

Get an air tag and put it in his car. No way is he grave visiting for a cousin he didn’t like several times a year with a 6 hour drive…

Escapingafter50years · 03/04/2023 18:32

"He never had any contact with this cousin while alive, infact he said alot of nasty things and wished him dead."

Was this cousin an absolutely horrible person that your OH actually wished him dead? In that case why does he want to visit the grave?

And if the cousin wasn't totally horrible, what do you think about your OH wishing someone dead?

LlynTegid · 03/04/2023 18:37

A first birthday being missed will not be felt by the child, but future birthdays being missed or celebrated on another day could well do so.

Like some on this thread I suspect it's not just a trip to visit a grave.

ReadersD1gest · 03/04/2023 18:39

LlynTegid · 03/04/2023 18:37

A first birthday being missed will not be felt by the child, but future birthdays being missed or celebrated on another day could well do so.

Like some on this thread I suspect it's not just a trip to visit a grave.

It's not the child's birthday, though?

User5464245 · 03/04/2023 18:47

BananasinPyhamas · 03/04/2023 16:02

I'd imagine it's Eid but the OP doesn't want to say because this would somehow be outing even though there's millions of Muslims in the world 😆

Show quote history

Can‘t be half as outing as telling the world about a husband with a cousin who died a year ago. Anyone who knows them irl will instantly recognise the story.

Hence why I don‘t think it‘s a cousin at all. Probably a parent with a complex/NC relationship.

whynotwhatknot · 03/04/2023 18:53

a 3 hour drive for a cousin he couldnt stand

ok then

ConstanceOcean · 03/04/2023 18:57

I do not think it’s an affair but I would be concerned about his behaviour and why he feels the need to keep visiting.
This sounds to me like he’s having a MH issue and could result in a nervous breakdown.

What are the plans for the day?
Are you having a party?

Does he usually come with you to visit family?
Is this what he’s trying to avoid?

I would compromise and say he can go to the grave but you’d like him to go in the evening once the party is over.

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