Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

[Whydoievenbother]

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

That's interesting because when I was pregnant, all I heard was how my life would be over, my marriage will be ruined because we'll never have sex again and I definitely won't ever sleep again. It often left me wondering if I was making a big mistake.

My son is 4 months now and I haven't found it difficult at all so far and it is nothing like all of the horror stories I was told when I was pregnant. I have a husband who does his fair share though and have family members who are happy to have him overnight which definitely helps.

I also went back to work when he was 3 months because I was bored out of my mind and feel like the balance is so much better now. We also sleep trained so it helps that I know from 7pm, I have my evenings too. Hopefully we can avoid the 4 month sleep regression which is the latest horror story people are telling me about.

I do think that you're blaming the wrong people though. It sounds like you're overwhelmed because your husband isn't pulling his weight, that is his fault and his fault alone.

@GobbieMaggie to reduce motherhood to being a wet nurse are you serious.

There is nothing wrong with your decision to go back to work when you decided to, nor prioritising your career.

Please respect that there are plenty of women on here who have done A levels, degrees and worked incredibly hard in high stress environments. Some chose to go back to work as soon as they can after having a baby, some chose to be hands on with their children, others simply don’t have the facility to pay for a nanny for 3 children to allow them to pursue their passions, or have children with health issues which prevent them from doing what they want.

Please recognise the privilege you had not only in being able to focus on your career as you did but in being able to devote so much time to study in the first place.

You have a very important job and place in society but that does not mean you should use it to put down other women who chose to focus on their children.

The initial comment to you which led to your defensive remarks was out of line too.

Some chose to get back to work asap, others love being with their children and rear them on their own. No choice is superior.

Depends on the parent and baby though, as with everything. I was busier before I had DC 🤷 It actually annoys me when parents assume non-parents know nothing of busyness or tiredness.

Because not everyone has the same experience as a parent.

I found newborn/toddler years all right but am finding the after 5 difficult, the oldest being 8 with autism and says very few words and the youngest 5 who is spirited to say the least. I feel constantly on a low-level alert and staying anywhere than home is usually tiring because the oldest will choose to escape if he finds a window or door unlocked so at home we have all but one unlocked window and the door always has a chain on but he can undo it so we listen out for the sound of the chain in case he tries to leave.

How would you feel if I told you teenagers are much harder than babies? )I currently have both). You might feel I’m invalidating your feelings of how hard it is for you right now.
Maybe similar to if someone had told you babies are much harder than pregnancy? No one wants to scare you or make you feel like your current feelings aren’t justified.

I bloody hope you forget!! Maybe it’s like childbirth which is a blur now.
love my kids, but I am ready for the baby/ toddler stage to be over. Even though I’ll probably look back at it wistfully. I’m knackered!

But your experience isn't everyone's either. So you're just as bad as those who loved being a baby parent, in that you're offering your experience as being the only one.

There's a huge continuum of mothering experience. And through the years there are bits we love and find easy, and bits we find really hard. Some find the newborn bit idyllic. Some find it incredibly hard. Some (like me) adore the toddler/pre school years, others are driven mad by the energy and tantrums. Some hate parenthood until their kids are teens and they can have proper conversations. Personally I'm finding being a parent of adults the hardest!

So yes, you can talk about what you've found hard, but it needs to come with the caveat that you want the enthusiastic mothers to include. That not everyone find it hard/easy.

If we all told people what it was truly like, nobody would procreate

Also, you tend to block out the bad tbh, so yes- people do honestly forget!

Well, as you want to be prepared, let me warn you that you may think the toddler years are tough. No they aren't. Not in comparison to the teenage years. Yes there were bad days around toddlers but nothing compared to the teenage.

Hope you appreciate the warning.*

*Ps it's all different. I loved the toddler years, and haven't really had that bad for teenage years. You may love the teenage years.

I think you like, almost like childbirth. Mine are 6 and 4 and I looked after my nephew the other week, I actually couldn’t believe how difficult I found it, I definately said to friends I forgot just how stressful I found it.

Absolutely this...I loved toddler and baby staged the teens and even into adulthood is what has turned me grey 😂

I've actually found the whole parenting talk to be nothing but negativity. When I was pregnant, it was all about how tough labour is and how I need to sleep now. Then I had the baby and it was all oh take in the cuddles now, the next stage is awful. And that seems to be a continuous cycle. It's actually horrible to listen to. I just try take each day as it comes, some are awful, some are so perfect and I could do the exact same thing both days 😂 I would actually love to be surrounded by people telling me it was all great!

I found when k was pregnant people were SO quick to tell me I'll never sleep again. I'll never go out again. I'll never feel like myself again. It's nkt what you want to hear. I knew jt would be hard i don't need to hear horror stories. My experience wasn't anything like that. Obv it's tough at times but the good outweighs the bad.

This. And also, how supportive of them were you when they were in the thick of it?

I'll be honest, sometimes I feel like my friends are right cheeky fuckers for expecting endless support & empathy now, when they were out getting pissed every weekend when mine were babies & didn't spend a moment considering my situation

It's not the nanny I was confused by it was the boring as hell part.

I'm a clinician myself, life or death stuff, 5 a levels, tick tick tick. I still enjoyed time with my children as babies and then still returned to work to Carey on my career.

It's the finding time with your family boring and being desperate to get away from them I find weird. I get a lot from my career, I give a lot with my career, I worked very hard for my career and it's important to me. It is however very much not all I am and those 2 years of maternity leave with my children as babies were as important to me as all my studying and training.

Me neither.

I have a distant friend message me when I announced my pregnancy to tell me I will never know tiredness like it and if I think I'm tired in pregnancy I've got another thing coming. I found it really rude and unhelpful.

Surely nobody actually thinks having a baby is easy? But I wouldn't go out my way to tell a friend or family member how exhausting it is

I was often tireder before children but sleep deprivation and tiredness ae different, at least for me, I don't do well with no sleep and my kids really haven't slept as babies. The long day at work constant grind of working full time also very tiring, the working 2 jobs plus studying while at uni also tiring. Sleep deprivation over a long period I've only experienced with babies and my brain turns to goo.

Wait till they become a teenager it gets worse

Not always true. I found the teenage years the easiest.

People don’t forget what it’s like; but they generally try not to put too much emphasis on how hard it is as the experience is quite varied from one person to the next.

It wouldn’t be helpful to frighten you with horror stories; but it also wouldn’t be fair to go on about an easy baby in case yours doesn’t turn out that way.

People generally find it best to build too many expectations up either way as your experience is your own and no one’s will be exactly the same as yours.

Having said that; there’s no harm in asking people; and if you directly ask people, they are usually pretty willing to share their experiences.

I agrée that everyone’s experience is different, and not only is every child different, but every parent is too.

So I had a crushingly awful time with my eldest - very unwell baby and a (now ex) husband thought his responsibility began and ended with what he felt like doing that day - but she is a really easy teenager. Or maybe I find the teenage bits easier - she does need a fair amount of emotional support, talking through issues, support with exam stress etc - but that’s not something I find awful. Because it’s not physical work, and nor does she need me to organise her - she never has.

My second was an easy baby, has been tricked “behaviour” wise as a young child, and is very disorganised. And who knows what he’ll be like as a teen, or how Ill deal with it?

*tricker behaviours wise, not tricked

Trickier!!!!

Time makes you forget. My DD is 2.5 and I barely remember the struggles we had early on 😂 but also it’s not something people like to focus on sadly. There’s a lot of judgement for mothers who “complain” (meaning telling you how it is)

1. You do kind of forget how hard it is and look back at how cute they were.
2. People have different experiences, some people find the transition more difficult, some people have more support (or money)
3. I think it’s only recently been less taboo to talk about how hard it is - apart from with other parents who are experiencing the same