Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

[Whydoievenbother]

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

People do have different experiences. We have no family nearby, no friends to help out and we have had two very 'high needs' (i.e. allergy baby sleep stealers) that have broken us. We haven't been out in 8 years as a couple. In contrast my nephews have 2 sets of grandparents taking them most days, my dsis gets 2-3 nights 'off' a week and has grandparents clean her house.

I don’t recognise this at all, the entire world tells you how hard it is!

Have you not watched outnumbered, motherland, bad moms. Basically any modern tv show / film with kids?

The internet is full of blogs and memes about how hard it is.

At work, all you hear is ‘I’m so tired, it’s so hard, you’ll never sleep again!!’.

Similarly, spending time with people with young kids, you can see within 5 mins how hard and relentless it all is. The planning, the huge bags of stuff you have to cart around, the loss of freedom, the birth injuries.

As someone on the fence about having kids, I’d say it’s rare to hear the positives!

My partner and I often have the "things no one told us" conversation. I feel that labour and motherhood are nothing like I thought they would be and that is definitely in part down to other people and fucking movies!!! Thanks to TV I fully expected to be handed my baby and feel this rush of overwhelming love but instead I wanted someone else to hold him so I could go to sleep...3.5 years later and that feeling has never gone away 😆
I asked my mum why she didn't warn me and she said "because then you wouldn't have wanted a baby". No shit Sherlock.

With all that said, I promise you it does get a bit easier. (But I'll never be having more than one)

Surely the main problem is your useless husband?

How would that go?
Friend - ‘im pregnant/trying’
Me - ‘congratulations, BTW children are a bloody nightmare. Your fanny will never be the same again and looking after a toddler is both the hardest thing you’ve ever done and the most boring’

Exactly! I remember one "friend" who insisted I was exaggerating, and if I wasn't it was probably just me as I was lazy and needed too much sleep! I was also "patronising" when I said that she wouldn't get it until she actually had a baby.

God how I laughed when I met her at a wedding with her baby, herself falling asleep into her soup!

People do tell what it's like but no-one wants to hear it. Which is good because else no-one would go into parenthood. 😅

I think people do say how hard it is. When work colleagues are expecting, people often say things like make the most of x,y,z, because you won't have time when the baby comes, or tell them to enjoy their sleep while they can. You also have the people who say they didn't manage to brush their hair or get dressed properly for 5 years (or is that only on Mumsnet).

My first baby I was a teenager and all I ever got told was how hard and horrible it would be its really not helpful and actually really annoying having people tell you how bad your life is going to be. The reality was my first was a dream a really good, easy baby. Its my 2nd thats a little 💩

I agree OP. People don't tell you what 'it's really like' because I think they don't want to put a dampener on things because having a baby really IS wonderful even if you don't think it is right now.

I felt like you did. 21 years ago now but I had a supportive DH to help. The only one who was serious with me when I asked 'does this ever get any better?' my SIL said 'yes, by the time they are about 5 darling'. I cried. Got diagnosed with PND.

Once you have teens, the baby stage can appear like a walk in the park… yes, it is tiring but simple and you still have some control.

I found things much easier when my 4 were young and at nursery/babies/early primary…

so I don’t think it is just that people forget. Babies/young kids love you unconditionally and older kids just don’t… some things become easier, other stuff really doesn’t.

That's a bit shit for your child is it not? Do they interest you now at all?

I am the exact same! Telling me these horror stories during my pregnancy was so hard to listen to, and most unhelpful.
Like hello, nothing I can do about it now 😂 I went through a phase of just completely not engaging in the conversation until people stopped being so negative, and then in the end just told people to stop with the horror stories. I hated it. If one person had told me to "sleep now ha ha ha ha" I would've boxed them.

OP if you could turn back the clock and everyone told you that this was their experience of motherhood would you genuinely not do it?

One more* person

I haven’t forgotten, but I don’t like to be all doom
and gloom during a time that’s usually quite exciting for expectant first time parents. Some people appear to find it easier than others, but I do always make myself available to talk/help out if requested. That’s when I may commiserate and let them know that I found it really tough too and that you do eventually come out the other side.

@GobbieMaggie i completely agree with you: the baby stage is fucking mind numbing and I wish I’d had the courage to hire a nanny earlier rather than staying off a whole year and ending up with PND.

People have different experiences. I went from having an 11 year sibling who I was like a third parent to, to being a mother myself. Obviously a baby is much more dependent and I was the primary parent this time, but it wasn't like I had done none of it before and so it wasn't a shock.

Part of it is perhaps how much of a "perfect mother" you are trying to be. I remember a young girl about 18 saying at an ante natal class "there's no way I am breast feeding as it would interfere with me going out". Cue lots of shocked looks by several 30s something mums to be. The other day I was in a restaurant and there was a woman who was agonising about the menu as she was breast feeding and was quizzing the waitress about where the actual sea bass came from. I mean come on!
Regardless it is hard work and yes a shock with your first. There's a reason you have hormones in your body 😂 but tbh it seems there are so many "issues" today with babies that I have read about on here - bonding only with partner and baby for weeks on end, no MIL, not leaving them in a room alone until they are 6 months old, no co sleeping, yes co sleeping, sleep regression blah blah. Not saying that any of this is you @Whydoievenbother . Yes it is tiring regardless. Someone telling you wouldn't make a jot of difference.

You never forget, it’s bloody exhausting/traumatising in many ways.

OP with the kindest respect, whenever you want a baby you have euphoria and boundless enthusiasm for the topic. Unless you have experience living in the same house as a baby or regularly helping out overnight (siblings, niece/nephew, friends child) then there is no possible way that you could - no matter how many anecdotes - conceive of how much hard work a baby actually is.

Reproduction is a funny thing; when you are settled down you lie to yourself, you think how wonderful and different and perfect your child will be. You become preoccupied researching prams with the best suspension and rear facing car seats.

In short the realisation that you will never again get to sleep heavily or binge watch Netflix does not set in until you are a parent. Henceforth, your house ceases to be a show home, and your social life and career can end up sidelined as you have to prioritise the child’s needs which vary from child to child - some require more of you than others.

The good thing is that children are very rewarding too and there are many wonderful things to enjoy too. It’s just that right now you have a young baby and I’m presuming are still off on maternity?

Get childcare lined up for when you go back to work, maybe even start it a bit early to give yourself some time to recoup, and meantime reach out to your friends and family to all the mothers you know. They will understand, they will help and they may give you lots of unsolicited advice but let that wash over you. Their experiences won’t have been identical but you will get some support somewhere, just ask.

What on earth can you say to someone who is pregnant, but late at that point! I do throw out the ‘not all roses, really think twice’ to young, single people I know but they always know best and never listen.

This has been an interesting read. When I said I'm blunt to people, I mean people I know well who are thinking about it in terms of how relentless it is and how they need to make sure their partner is on board and willing to pick up their share. That's right too regarding rose tinted glasses, as I myself already have them too! I recall the newborn stage and how easy it was because all they do is eat and sleep, and they can't move but then I also recall how I used to fear the night because I knew I'd have to wake every few hours to feed. I can honestly say I don't think I had heard any real negativity at all, except for the jokey "you'll never get a sleep in again" which I thought was people joking and not that it would in fact be my new life and of course I had heard of "terrible twos" but I thought I'd have two years of getting used to being a parent before having to deal with that. I can honestly say it's only now I notice all the threads on mumsnet about this and I've never been one to look at forums etc so it is new to me, I've not been around babies much and I'm the first to admit I have been incredibly naive. I also think I thought as an older mother I'd be mature enough to deal with the mental side of things. That's probably what I've struggled with the most, just never really getting a mental break and how that takes a toll. Also not having any real support, again I thought I'd be old enough to be able to cope but it's been much harder than I realised. That was also what I was wondering if everyone struggles, but it seems from some posts some people don't at all. I guess I just thought it would be a really special time in my life, but it just doesn't really feel like it. Sorry that was a long post, and I'm rambing now.

Isn't it !. . She slept just about 90% of the time and my brain was starting to atrophy. It wasn't cheap but I'd have gone stark raving mad otherwise. It was my husband who suggested it. He could see I was going slowly ga-ga.

So you blame others, and not the father for doing his share. 🤔

Also not having any real support, again I thought I'd be old enough to be able to cope but it's been much harder than I realised
It's a DH issue. You do get that he's the one who owes you support, not other people?

I think ppl who had kids over 30 odd years ago yeah they do forget. I often have my ILs telling me how I'm making it seem harder than it is etc. pisses me right off.
Ppl who had kids just a few years ago, some of them do genuinely forget how gruelling it is. I was so shocked by it I don't think I'll ever forget and still can't believe the shock to the system it was when I had my first.
But for the most part, ppl do try to focus on the positives when you're pregnant. And tbh those ppl who did tell me horror stories weren't helpful and I didn't enjoy listening to those. I think you never really understand how hard and bad it is until you have your own child. I don't think anything can possibly prepare you. But now you know, give yourself grace, make sure partner helps and get help etc when you can.