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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

259 replies

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:38

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

OP posts:
Robinni · 03/04/2023 11:40

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 11:29

This has been an interesting read. When I said I'm blunt to people, I mean people I know well who are thinking about it in terms of how relentless it is and how they need to make sure their partner is on board and willing to pick up their share. That's right too regarding rose tinted glasses, as I myself already have them too! I recall the newborn stage and how easy it was because all they do is eat and sleep, and they can't move but then I also recall how I used to fear the night because I knew I'd have to wake every few hours to feed. I can honestly say I don't think I had heard any real negativity at all, except for the jokey "you'll never get a sleep in again" which I thought was people joking and not that it would in fact be my new life and of course I had heard of "terrible twos" but I thought I'd have two years of getting used to being a parent before having to deal with that. I can honestly say it's only now I notice all the threads on mumsnet about this and I've never been one to look at forums etc so it is new to me, I've not been around babies much and I'm the first to admit I have been incredibly naive. I also think I thought as an older mother I'd be mature enough to deal with the mental side of things. That's probably what I've struggled with the most, just never really getting a mental break and how that takes a toll. Also not having any real support, again I thought I'd be old enough to be able to cope but it's been much harder than I realised. That was also what I was wondering if everyone struggles, but it seems from some posts some people don't at all. I guess I just thought it would be a really special time in my life, but it just doesn't really feel like it. Sorry that was a long post, and I'm rambing now.

@Whydoievenbother

We are all naive, and we all struggle. It’s just that some have two sets of GPs + siblings that are eager to help, and/or have a cleaner/nanny of some description. Also if you bottle feed it is miles easier too. It all depends on the personal situation.

I would argue that being an older mother is a lot harder, yes you have maybe got to that ideal job/house/whatever you wanted. But you have also had circa 20 years of developing your life and having freedom to do whatever you want which of course increases with salary. So by the point you’ve got the baby the loss of freedom/lifestyle is quite substantial. Couple this with being older physically so it’s all round harder, and you may not have GPs at all or ones that are fit enough to help. I’d say it’s a hell of a lot harder.

Wanderingowl · 03/04/2023 11:43

Not everyone does find it hard. Those years were the absolute best years of my life and my XH was one of those men who went off the rails when I was pregnant resulting in my moving away when DS was 3 months old. And it taking 3 more years for me to give up on my XH as I kept hoping he'd get himself together for us. Instead he just constantly destabilised me while I tried to manage his relationship with DS into something as positive as it could be for him. Something I still have to do. I also believe the upheaval caused by my XH caused DS's sleep to be spectacularly shit for years.

And even still, if you gave me a time machine and said I could do it all again, I would in a heartbeat. That's even counting the fact that I'm generally insanely happy now with hobbies and goals that would be impossible if DS was younger.

DustyLee123 · 03/04/2023 11:43

Babies/toddlers are relentless. My suggestion would be to get baby into nursery and get back to work. That’s what saved my sanity.

Okunevo · 03/04/2023 11:44

@Whydoievenbother
It may actually be harder being an older mother than a younger one, if you haven't regularly looked after nieces, nephews, friend's children in the meantime. I had made bottles, changed nappies, regularly cared for a toddler, done the home reading every night, and done many after school club pick ups before I became a mother in my early twenties. I think it would be harder having a newborn now even with experience as I'm out of practice.

glittereyelash · 03/04/2023 11:53

Child rearing and grief are similar in that you can describe and explain them as much as you want and you still don't "get it" until its you in the situation. My mum was really honest with me about the early years of child rearing and it still came as a huge shock. You do find a routine though and on the bad days you are just trying to survive hour to hour. I honestly didn't realise it was possible for a child to cry for 12 hours solid or have three hour public meltdowns but somehow i managed and got through those days. Ask for help and support from family or friends if you anyone who could help. Best of luck ❤️

GobbieMaggie · 03/04/2023 11:58

Forgooodnesssakenow · 03/04/2023 11:14

That's a bit shit for your child is it not? Do they interest you now at all?

Show quote history

I didn't take 5 "A" levels nor did I do all that work, study, placements, exams, and medical practice, not to mention all the unsociable hours and being shouted at, to sit at home clearing up baby puke and changing shitty nappies.

I didn't enjoy being a wet nurse so I went back to working on a Major Trauma Unit in Central London. Life and death stuff. There's a difference.

My "kids" are now 19, 17 and 15 and my eldest is at medical school.

Do they interest me ?. Of course, they do but so does keeping people alive, and I'm good at it. Yes, I'm happily married with teen kids but I also have a medical career and I couldn't have pursued that without my husband and our nanny.

CocoPlum · 03/04/2023 12:01

I don't think you were naive. You just didn't know. It's evolution protecting you so you continue to procreate! 😆I admire you for saying now "hang on ... maybe this information WAS there".

It's something I think you simply can't comprehend without doing it, which I hate saying because it's so patronising but true.

Good luck getting your partner to help. My friend has a baby and her partner is leaving literally everything to her. It makes me so cross on her behalf!

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 12:07

glittereyelash · 03/04/2023 11:53

Child rearing and grief are similar in that you can describe and explain them as much as you want and you still don't "get it" until its you in the situation. My mum was really honest with me about the early years of child rearing and it still came as a huge shock. You do find a routine though and on the bad days you are just trying to survive hour to hour. I honestly didn't realise it was possible for a child to cry for 12 hours solid or have three hour public meltdowns but somehow i managed and got through those days. Ask for help and support from family or friends if you anyone who could help. Best of luck ❤️

Wow this is really profound and resonates with me. Something happened to me years ago, and the grief was unexplainable, it was a process to get through and I have never been able to convey it to anyone else. Thank you for sharing that 💖

OP posts:
botleybump · 03/04/2023 12:08

@GobbieMaggie 👏🏼🙌🏼
I'm currently experiencing the judgement of others for daring to 'only' take six months maternity leave - more than enough for me and my career thank you!

Apparently 'supporting women' only extends to those who make the same decisions as us! Nobody ever judged a Dad for going back to work eh!?

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2023 12:10

It’s different for different people. The baby and toddler stage was easy, stress free and I felt really happy. I breezed through it in comparison to some people.

It’s much harder now they’re older. 3 out of my 4 children have SN. So I guess that’s my comeuppance for enjoying the baby stage. I feel more exhausted now than I did when they were babies.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2023 12:16

@GobbieMaggie @Piglet89
It depends entirely on what your hobbies are. I love walking. Alone or with friends. I love exploring new cities, Uk or elsewhere. My maternity leave was a year long walk and explore with pfb strapped to my chest. It was exactly what I would have done with a year off work just I had to stop to feed and change a little one every once in a while. Loved it.

CurlewKate · 03/04/2023 12:17

Personally, I loved the baby stage. But I was healthy, had easy births, found breastfeeding straightforward and had healthy, amenable children. I also had somewhere nice to live, enough money, a supportive partner and mother. It would be bloody useless and insensitive sharing my experience with anyone, because many people don't have even most of that. But it's equally unhelpful to go the opposite way and talk relentlessly about the potential horrors. All you can really say is don't have too many fixed ideas. Take what comes. And everything changes on a regular basis.

Incidentally. The idea that raising a child is no job for an intelligent, well educated person and should be delegated to a lower status, lower paid woman is extraordinarily insulting. Please don't do it.

Piglet89 · 03/04/2023 12:19

@arethereanyleftatall I think it actually depends what kind of person you are. I love the mental stimulation of adult company and of an intellectually demanding job (and of company of people I actually like with whom I have a shared history, not people who happen to have had a kid at the same time as i did) and time and space alone to think.

It also depends what kind of kid you have.

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2023 12:22

Robinni · 03/04/2023 11:40

@Whydoievenbother

We are all naive, and we all struggle. It’s just that some have two sets of GPs + siblings that are eager to help, and/or have a cleaner/nanny of some description. Also if you bottle feed it is miles easier too. It all depends on the personal situation.

I would argue that being an older mother is a lot harder, yes you have maybe got to that ideal job/house/whatever you wanted. But you have also had circa 20 years of developing your life and having freedom to do whatever you want which of course increases with salary. So by the point you’ve got the baby the loss of freedom/lifestyle is quite substantial. Couple this with being older physically so it’s all round harder, and you may not have GPs at all or ones that are fit enough to help. I’d say it’s a hell of a lot harder.

Show quote history

My HV told me they see more mental health problems in older mothers and I also think that's true. It's physically harder when you're older - pregnancy and birth takes more of a toll, and you don't cope well with the sleep deprivation. There's often less family help as your parents may be too old and are more likely to live further away. You've had a long time to do exactly what you want whereas someone in their early twenties is still used to being told what to do by parents and school, they are junior at work, they are just more adaptable. Added to all that, older mothers have often waited a long time to meet the right man or get pregnant so they have spent more time longing for that perfect experience.

I don't think it's discussed openly when you're pregnant but on the other hand, thinking back I remember friends who found it hard going. I just assumed I would somehow find it easier!

Housenoob · 03/04/2023 12:22

CurlewKate · 03/04/2023 12:17

Personally, I loved the baby stage. But I was healthy, had easy births, found breastfeeding straightforward and had healthy, amenable children. I also had somewhere nice to live, enough money, a supportive partner and mother. It would be bloody useless and insensitive sharing my experience with anyone, because many people don't have even most of that. But it's equally unhelpful to go the opposite way and talk relentlessly about the potential horrors. All you can really say is don't have too many fixed ideas. Take what comes. And everything changes on a regular basis.

Incidentally. The idea that raising a child is no job for an intelligent, well educated person and should be delegated to a lower status, lower paid woman is extraordinarily insulting. Please don't do it.

This was my experience too. I think help from your partner makes all the difference in the world. I have such a deep profound respect for single parents, really don't know how you do it but you all deserve a medal!

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 12:24

@CocoPlum @Okunevo @Robinni thanks for the helpful comments and to the other posters too, unfortunately I can't tag everyone and reply to all the posts. This thread has been helpful and really interesting for me, thank you

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 03/04/2023 12:24

@CurlewKate

The idea that raising a child is no job for an intelligent, well educated person and should be delegated to a lower status, lower paid woman is extraordinarily insulting. Please don't do it.

A lot of assumptions here: when we did hire a nanny when our son was 1, she was intelligent, highly skilled and extremely well paid. It’s just her character was more suited to (and experienced in) looking after a small child than I was. Absolutely nothing to do with status or remuneration. I do stand by my position that looking after babies and small children is NOT intellectually demanding. Demanding in other ways - but not intellectually.

Attempting to silence other women’s valid, lived experience is extraordinarily insulting: please don’t do it.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2023 12:26

@Piglet89
Exactly. That's the conclusion of this thread. No one says anything negative as a society because it's an entirely unique experience. One can say anecdotally their own experience, some love it, some hate it, and everyone else in between. But, before you get pregnant any woman will assume they will be one of those who love it, and will dismiss other anecdotes.

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 12:29

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/04/2023 12:22

My HV told me they see more mental health problems in older mothers and I also think that's true. It's physically harder when you're older - pregnancy and birth takes more of a toll, and you don't cope well with the sleep deprivation. There's often less family help as your parents may be too old and are more likely to live further away. You've had a long time to do exactly what you want whereas someone in their early twenties is still used to being told what to do by parents and school, they are junior at work, they are just more adaptable. Added to all that, older mothers have often waited a long time to meet the right man or get pregnant so they have spent more time longing for that perfect experience.

I don't think it's discussed openly when you're pregnant but on the other hand, thinking back I remember friends who found it hard going. I just assumed I would somehow find it easier!

Show quote history

That's really interesting, I did wonder about that myself. I wonder how much that has to do with you think you know yourself and you're 'resilient' so then you struggle when you're not coping so well. And of course being settled in your ways too, in my case anyway.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2023 12:33

Also, there would never be the 'right' time to say anything negative...

  1. Pre person thinking of having a baby - boring, complaining drivel
  2. When person is excited thinking about baby - insensitive and dismissed anyway
  3. When pregnant - too late

The horror stories are all there available online, should anyone choose to research it at any point.

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 12:42

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2023 12:33

Also, there would never be the 'right' time to say anything negative...

  1. Pre person thinking of having a baby - boring, complaining drivel
  2. When person is excited thinking about baby - insensitive and dismissed anyway
  3. When pregnant - too late

The horror stories are all there available online, should anyone choose to research it at any point.

That's a good point. It's funny because they always have those fake 'real' babies that they give to teenagers on American TV shows to put them off having a baby. They should actually make them available to adults to prepare them a little better 😆

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 03/04/2023 13:07

@Piglet89 my post was not in response to yours. However. I will fight to the death for a woman's right to WOH, SAH, or any combination that suits her. I did not say that looking after babies is intellectually demanding. I do object to posters (not you) suggesting, as they often do, that raising children is work to be delegated to lower status, lower paid women.

evangron · 03/04/2023 13:11

Well my first newborn was dreadful but toddler years were brilliant

I've a 7 year age gap

Second newborn was delightful

An absolutely shocking toddler*

*She's lovely but fuck me, she's hard work.

Piglet89 · 03/04/2023 13:23

@Whydoievenbother agree re practice babies: after all my chat about loving being intellectually stimulated, I clearly wasn’t clever enough to work out that having a small, helpless, dependent human you have to look after 24/7 is gonna be fairly stressful at times 😂

My excuse is I saw only the positives, because we wanted to have a child for so long and really struggled (low ovarian reserve), rearranged our lives after coming to terms with being childless and then BAM our son was conceived spontaneously when I was 37!

Piglet89 · 03/04/2023 13:24

@SnackSizeRaisin also agree with all of that.