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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

508 replies

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 06:54

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

  1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).
  1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.
  1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.
  1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.
  1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 03/04/2023 16:49

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 14:28

Reply sent:

I'm sorry SIL is suffering, but I'm glad to see you're recognising that she has a problem that needs addressing. That's the first step to getting her effective treatment. I'm not able to help with your situation & suggest she has some 'space' with one of her children (they're all adults with homes of their own) or perhaps you move out for a while & give her space at home.

I'm able to recommend some resources for you to look into. I would pass on my own therapists details as she's excellent, but as SIL was at the root of many of my issues, it would be unethical of her to accept SIL as a client.

Good luck.

Perfect. 👏

rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2023 16:57

Your brother sounds worse and worse with every update of yours! I'd say they're perfectly matched

MrsRickAstley · 03/04/2023 17:07

Has he replied ?

MrsRickAstley · 03/04/2023 17:08

Oh seen below. TFFT.

Original poster
OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 17:29

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 03/04/2023 16:32

Very well handled OP, well done! Given your subsequent updates, you should consider going fully NC. It sounds like you have a separate relationship with your nephew/niece anyway.
What I don't really understand is why you're bothered about what others think, given it seems she has similarly fallen out with lots of others?

Family wedding in June & I don't want to add fuel to the fire. I'll be very LC after that which will hopefully progress to NC.

OP posts:
BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 03/04/2023 17:42

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 14:52

Reply received:

"I think that she's changed her mind anyway".

Way to save face dear brother. Bravo 👏

Oh well, problem solved then. Nice not to have to deal with an escalation attempt.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/04/2023 17:43

Bet she'll make a bee-line for you at the wedding.
I'd give her a wide berth if I were you.
I'd also bet that she goes out of her way to create a drama because a wedding crowd is an irresistible audience opportunity for a narc.

declutteringmymind · 03/04/2023 17:55

@OooWhatAWhopper I've got a destination wedding with mine in the summer. I need help.

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 18:38

Please tell her she’s looking very “Healthy” at the wedding…and then walk away. You know she won’t be able to take a compliment like that.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/04/2023 19:04

I think you've been very sensible Op to keep them at bay and especially with this nonsense about her staying. I'd absolutely be going NC after the wedding, I'd bet money on your SIL being horrible since it's the only time she'll get a chance to see you. I almost felt sorry for your DB but they sound like a perfect match

Orders76 · 03/04/2023 19:08

If you are grey rocking, absolutely don't get into listing or any negotiation for that matter.
No, unfortunately I can't help/ have no room/ started new hobby, course, anything.

Orders76 · 03/04/2023 19:15

Oops, great response OP

TrashyPanda · 03/04/2023 19:29

That was a superb response

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 03/04/2023 21:50

Snippit · 03/04/2023 13:48

This kind of persona never changes, believe me I’ve been there. After the last bout with the evil sister in law I drew the line, she even tried to drag me out of the car so she could give me a good pasting.

I haven’t and will never speak to her again and that’s since 2013, she is dead to me, that’s how bad she is. She has alienated most of the family now and is a very lonely woman, you reap what you sow.

stand your ground and DO NOT give in, you’ll regret it. I tried many times to help my sister in law to no avail, don’t waste your energy. My husband agrees with me, she is her own worst enemy and even he avoids her phone calls, because she always wants something and gives nothing but grief in return.

You could be talking about my SiL!!! When I explain to other people/friends what she's done, they are agog! It's like some made up shit but honestly, hand on heart it's true! Yet my 'd'B thinks the sun shines out of her arse. NC with both now. So much happier as a result

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 03/04/2023 21:55

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 16:17

An even bigger one than you know, they'd gone through IVF to have nephew! It's not like it was a massive, life-plans-derailing shock of a pregnancy. His poor ex going through all of that & then being left for another woman after the 20 week scan. I can't even begin to describe what a strong woman my nephew's mum is. So, I'm under no illusions as to what my brother is. He's no loss to my life.

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Fuck me OP!.
My jaw quite literally fell open when I read that!

I'm speechless. His poor ex-wife and his lad. Being saddled with that as a 'dad'. 😔

ToWhitToWhoo · 03/04/2023 22:25

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 16:17

An even bigger one than you know, they'd gone through IVF to have nephew! It's not like it was a massive, life-plans-derailing shock of a pregnancy. His poor ex going through all of that & then being left for another woman after the 20 week scan. I can't even begin to describe what a strong woman my nephew's mum is. So, I'm under no illusions as to what my brother is. He's no loss to my life.

Show quote history

Good god! Your brother and SIL deserve each other!

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2023 23:19

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 16:17

An even bigger one than you know, they'd gone through IVF to have nephew! It's not like it was a massive, life-plans-derailing shock of a pregnancy. His poor ex going through all of that & then being left for another woman after the 20 week scan. I can't even begin to describe what a strong woman my nephew's mum is. So, I'm under no illusions as to what my brother is. He's no loss to my life.

Show quote history

I think I'd have to disown him after that.

Vile

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2023 23:35

Your reply was exquisite and from your update it sounds like your brother and his wife deserve each other!

Good luck at the June wedding.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 05:47

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2023 23:19

I think I'd have to disown him after that.

Vile

Show quote history

Me too

And I certainly ever want my children in the vicinity of people like him and my sister.

I find the entire op baffling tbh

MissMarplesbag · 04/04/2023 06:28

Goodness me what a horrible but unfortunately well matched pair. The family should do a whip round to buy them both a pair of single tickets to Australia. For purely medicinal & health and recuperation purposes of course.

MeridianB · 04/04/2023 07:25

I bet your SIL goes crackers at the thought of you being friends with DB’s ex!

I only hope she is enough of a human being to be nice to his son.

Bellaboo01 · 04/04/2023 12:29

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/04/2023 09:41

@Bellaboo01

stop trying to blame op

Show quote history

Why do you think I am blaming OP? I just asked some questions which are still relevant.

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 13:01

all relevant questions @Bellaboo01

but you forget that some posters get so caught up in TEAM OP that they lose themselves in their own excitement

i wonder if the op will answer your questions? 🤷‍♀️

Bellaboo01 · 04/04/2023 13:17

Ursualesther · 04/04/2023 13:01

all relevant questions @Bellaboo01

but you forget that some posters get so caught up in TEAM OP that they lose themselves in their own excitement

i wonder if the op will answer your questions? 🤷‍♀️

I totally agree with you.

She wont answer my questions which are perfectly reasonable.

Hell would have frozen over before I would have allowed ANYONE to take my place next to my Mum in the Hospice (during covid) whilst she died and equally (but, not as important) in the funeral car.

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/04/2023 13:26

If it meant a screaming match in the street, holding up the funeral cortege, you may possibly change your mind, especially if your grief and pain had left you exhausted.

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