Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Grieving people sometimes behave in ways that don't seem logical to outsiders. It happens.

Of course - that is extreme. I've also never heard of that happening tbh. How awful if you have experienced that.

I have recently had to deal with both of my lovely parents funeral and it isn't a free-for-all with who gets in the car/sits with them whilst they are dying etc. There is a 'next of kin', POA rule and you would hope that everyone would make it very clear that the poor OP would have had to fight to spend time with her Mum or be in the car, because her sister-in-law wouldn't 'allow' it!

The funeral directors are normally very strict with arrangements etc. The rule is generally that they wouldnt actually even tell someone if they called up that a particular person is there.

Funeral directors don't decide who goes in the cars though, that's for the family to decide. OP said it was only meant to be her dad, her siblings and her in the family car but her SIL made such a fuss that OP gave up her seat. I'm not sure why you've decided OP is being disingenuous about her lived experience.

Absolutely not. Stick to your guns.

I hope you can go to the family wedding as a group with DB's Ex and your DN. That should keep DB and SIL well away. Hope you get through the day ok and manage to go NC afterwards. Your DB does not sound like much of a loss and if he sticks with her will learn that he will be very lonely!

Hell no!

I’ve had a toxic SIL who made my life hell and there is no way I could’ve spent a night in my own safe space with her.

You aren’t married to her, your brother is. I’d tell him to take a running jump

It sounds like you have been more than patient and understanding, I would like everyone else say you don’t feel it would be right to keep discussing it, you have to look after your own mental health too, her staying would be detrimental to you, say if he needs examples you have a list, she sounds horrendous!

@OooWhatAWhopper
Copy bullet points you have written in your post and add them to a text you write him explaining exactly why she will not be staying at yours. Finish off that as she is family you are not able to offer your professional service to her.
I cannot quite believe that your db or anyone else thinks what she has done is acceptable. Stick to your guns 💪

It would be a NO from me too! what about your own MH op? Stand firm- your reasons are valid

Telling you how much your acquiescence would help him, so that you will do what he wants, is called emotional blackmail. That's another good reason to stuck to your decision. Family or not, draw the line and save yourself the angst. SiL sounds awful.

Why is it alway women that are told to "be kind". It's such bullshit. The woman sounds awful, you owe her nothing.

Mental health issues? Mental illness more like

She needs to be in a medical facility. She obviously needs help

You are being kind by saying no. If you say yes there is a high possibility of there being drama and maybe a permanent falling out. You are protecting everyone by saying no. That is kind.

I rarely comment on these posts, but when I read yours, I had to say something. I think what you need to do is spell it out just as you have on here and point out all of the absolutely appalling things she has done. There is a limit to how much shit you should take from one individual. You have had a skinful. Look after yourself She is a revolting person. Karma! Doesn’t even begin to touch the sides!

Fuck that. Absolutely not.

Hi, your reply was perfect, and I hope that you have a much calmer life over the next few months.

Your SiL, whatever her MH issues, sounds horrendous. I hope that she is offered professional help and that she accepts it. But ….. !

Absolutely not. She will only behave badly and you will get no thanks. The kind thing to do in this situation is to say a firm, no.

Agree. If you haven’t already done so, maybe have a few escape plans and conversation ending phrases lined up to gracefully close a convo and get out of her company quickly.

Her behavior while your DM was dying - for that and that alone she is scum. Never mind everything else. YADNBU

Don’t you dare say yes.

reply to DB: if you put me first like you should, that would be very helpful to US

sometimes you need to "lose your shit" for people to understand it really is a no. Maybe send him the list as you've put it here. Why on earth would you agree?

Your brother is a CF! Given the list of things she has done, I'd totally cut her out of my life.

I smell the whiff of a narcissist in the way she’s treated you
say no
then say NO