Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Has she got some sort of obsession with you? Has she specifically asked to stay with you? I can imagine that, based on what’s you’ve said.

Why the hell does she want to come and stay with you when she obviously doesn't like you!

but I'd imagine that she has said and done some terrible things over the years.

please do not do this as this poster has suggested op

Just remember that No is a full sentence……

Can Sil stay with you?
No…

No need for anything else. No justification no you know what you’ve done, no drama. Just no.
It will drive her crazy because she can’t go anywhere with that response, can’t use it can’t turn it.
Just no…..

This is an outrageous ask by your DB - I agree with others, a big no no!

I bet she does, when it suits her to!
🤬

Why would you want to 'keep the peace' when she has declared war on you?

I agree with others that lashing out won't make you feel better in the long run (although BELIEVE ME I can see why part of you wants to do so). I kind of love the idea of just not replying at all, but then I wonder if you'll feel that it's just hanging over you?

If it were my narc relative I think I'd say something along the lines of "Hi, I'm afraid this isn't possible but I wish SIL all the best for her recovery. As a family member I'm not allowed to get involved with giving advice or treatment but there are some great resources online and speaking to a GP would be a useful first step. Best wishes, X"

That IS kind tbh given everything she's done - but the main point is you're keeping her far far away from you.

If he pushes back just stick to "Not possible I'm afraid" or "As I've said that's not going to work but I recommend seeking professional advice."

Really sorry to hear about your parents’ passing and your SIL’s behaviour @OooWhatAWhopper.

I agree with others you may well be blamed whatever you do so definitely don’t abandon your grey rock stance in the hope of not being blamed. I would go for a short, factual, impossible to misunderstand message eg ‘Hi DB, as you know SIL has behaved badly towards me to an extreme degree. Therefore I will not be having her to stay.’

I think you should address with your brother that it’s not appropriate for him to try to guilt you into this. You could add to the message above ‘I’m actually disappointed that you would ask this of me given what you know of how SIL has behaved to me.’

What is the situation between your brother and SIL? Is she horrible to him/is he safe/is he an enabler?

Be kind is what we are told by (some) men in order to make us feel guilty and do what they want us to do. Fuck off. And your sil can fuck off too. "dB, obviously I won't be having sil here after you know what she's like towards me. That would be horrible for me. Don't ask again."

because it sounds like the OP still cares about other family members not seeing her portrayed as a "villain" - I am not clear why but all family dynamics are different and it's very hard to shake off the way you've been brought up.

This kind of persona never changes, believe me I’ve been there. After the last bout with the evil sister in law I drew the line, she even tried to drag me out of the car so she could give me a good pasting.

I haven’t and will never speak to her again and that’s since 2013, she is dead to me, that’s how bad she is. She has alienated most of the family now and is a very lonely woman, you reap what you sow.

stand your ground and DO NOT give in, you’ll regret it. I tried many times to help my sister in law to no avail, don’t waste your energy. My husband agrees with me, she is her own worst enemy and even he avoids her phone calls, because she always wants something and gives nothing but grief in return.

Rare to see such an emphatic YANBU result, @OooWhatAWhopper - you’re in the right, SIL sounds like a total ducking aunt. xxx

Hell would freeze over before I did anything for that bitch!

Bloody hell. I wouldn't want to be in the same country as that one!

I think as an MH professional you know that there is absolutely no point in talking to SIL. Your oxygen is far too valuable to waste on her.
My experience dealing with people trying to foist my own personal version of your SIL on me is that they have been making an utter nuisance of themself, storming over and through everyone else’s boundaries, feelings and resources and THEY are the ones who are exhausted, and whose MH is suffering, but of course can’t be allowed to say anything about this because of the roles they have been assigned. You have broken the pattern and stopped playing the game. How very dare you!!! By doing this, you have stirred up her hornet’s nest AND you have created one less space for her to sent to when THEY need somewhere to land.

“Dear brother - how ‘kind’ and ‘helpful’ were you to me when your wife repeatedly refused to let me into the hospice room to say goodbye to our mother before she died or when she insisted on being in the funeral car so I had to drive myself? Please explain to me why I should do either of you any favours?

@OooWhatAWhopper“

There's a very unhealthy codependency going on between them, it makes my head hurt thinking about it.

@OooWhatAWhopper - You’re not going to change his relationship with her either. They’re in their 50’s. This is their Game of Life now. They don’t know any other way of being. The only thing that’s working here is her getting into your head because you’re worried about how the rest of your family will react when you say no - which was the inevitable answer.

Reply sent:

I'm sorry SIL is suffering, but I'm glad to see you're recognising that she has a problem that needs addressing. That's the first step to getting her effective treatment. I'm not able to help with your situation & suggest she has some 'space' with one of her children (they're all adults with homes of their own) or perhaps you move out for a while & give her space at home.

I'm able to recommend some resources for you to look into. I would pass on my own therapists details as she's excellent, but as SIL was at the root of many of my issues, it would be unethical of her to accept SIL as a client.

Good luck.

Good reply. He will hate it, but anything other than "Of course, let me roll over" was going to be hated anyway.

I wonder if he'll respond.......

@OooWhatAWhopper - I understand completely that you don't want your SIL to stay with you, but you don't want to get grief from your DB.

You say I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. I think you really really need to turn this thinking around in your head to. 'I know I am not being a bad person if I won't 'be kind' to this person, because ( reasons you already stated) and if others think I am, it is their problem not mine.

It would be too outing to tell you about my life experiences, with 2 family members, but I know where you are coming from I really do on a personal level. The thought, on top of everything else, that people would think the worse of me was just so unfair. Tried everything I could to stand up for myself but without losing my temper - and all that happened eventually was that I would finally have had enough and would snap - which left the other parties feeling they had the moral high-ground - and me feeling like I was indeed, the 'bad' person they thought I was.

You can't stop other people thinking what they think - or even what they say to other people. You just can't. No-one can. What you can do - which you have already done - is to know that what you are doing/not doing has good reasons and is fully justified - and you are definitely justified in spades: even if you got on with your SIL very well, (which you don't) it's incredibly difficult to spend time with someone else living in your home, especially with MH issues.

I made a very important decision not to do something last year. Knew at least some people would think I was all sorts of a 'bad' person, but I was and still am, absolutely sure I made the right decision for my own sanity/MH. I just said no very firmly and stuck to my guns. I didn't shout, I didn't lose my temper and I didn't go into long explanations - or even short explanations. I just said that I wasn't going to do it and that I had my reasons, but the answer was no. It's been very freeing, I have to say. Doesn't change what the difficult family members think - but I do not actually care, finally. I have no regrets

So as others have said, Just say no very clearly. You don't even need to quote the things your SIL has done: Something along the lines of

I really cannot help you with this. Maybe you can find somewhere/someone who can give her the break she needs, but this simply would not work for (SIL) or for me on any level.

Good message OP. If he responds to try again with you, just keep saying "no thanks and I don't wish to discuss this further". Don't get into a conversation about it.

Good message OP. Sorry you’re having to deal with this