Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

@OooWhatAWhopper

Well done for sending that. Let's hope your SIL gets the help she needs. Sounds like your DB probably needs someone to talk to too.

When my brother finally spoke up about my SIL it brought us closer and I am a non judgmental safe haven for him I hope.

Great reply op.

Im so sorry you are having to deal with this or give it any head space at all. Stay strong.

Im surprised you’re not NC with her. Keep her away.

Oo nice.

Gives no option for him to suggest again as you've clearly stated that she's bad for your mental health.

He may reply with guilt trip about his mental health, and what you saying no means, to which the only response is that she is the responsibility of him and her children, not you and to look into professional care elsewhere.

It wouldn't surprise me if he is trying to separate but doesn't want the cost / hassle of moving out himself / relying on her to move, so it's easier to dump and then refuse to have her back. Thus making her someone else's issue to deal with and trying to keep the house.

Ultimately it's him trying to suck you back into their drama which you aren't interested in getting involved in. So I'd keep this as another retort - you don't want to get involved in their personal drama and it's unfair to expect you to.

If either tries to paint you as the enemy just share your reasonable conversation and just keep saying 'no this doesn't work for my family'.

Reply received:

"I think that she's changed her mind anyway".

Way to save face dear brother. Bravo 👏

Heh, excellent! Well done, OP. x

Well done OP for your initial response to your db's request.

People like that don't know how to deal with rejection, so they just pretend that they weren't really bothered to start with.

Perhaps put your brother on mute for a while.

Wow. Denial of the highest order.

Out of interest, how much time do you spend with your brother?

Oh my god, all that angst and it was clearly a ply to suck you in as you suspected. Siiiiiigh. I’m pleased you said no, but was worried that offering further resources left you open to further manipulation. (Not that I thought you’d bite, but it’s exhausting.)

Good reply from you. Her staying with you if you don't like each other much won't help her psychiatric problems anyway. He's the one who is supposed to love her and support her. They could take a couple of weeks off work, or as you said he could move out for a couple of weeks if their relationship is the problem and she wants space from him.

Well done!! Brilliant message. And poof the problem is gone.

No one to one time, SIL insists on being there so we don't see each other at all. He's doesn't see my children either or acknowledge birthdays, Christmas etc as I do, & will always do, for his child. Luckily my nephew's mum is my brother's ex (he left her for SIL when she was pregnant) so he hasn't grown up within that toxic soup.

@Ursualesther - The OP has replied now and done her own thing (which I suspected she would do as she knows her own family better than a whole load of randomers on the internet) but can I ask why you took a single line of my post and put it in italics? Also why you would think that my suggestion of taking 3 of the issues that the SiL has inflicted on the OP rather than writing a list (which many many others suggested in the thread) is worse? I don't understand why you singled my message out over every other one that was written saying essentially the same thing as I did.

So your brother is a prize cockend, and that's completely down to himself not SIL.

Leaving his pregnant ex is totally his responsibility.

You give him way too much benefit of the doubt.

I love everything about his reply.

To suggest to someone to go through Al the heinous memories someone has of someone and pick out their “top three” and then recount them to the DB?

nope, I wouldn’t think would be remotely positive or healthy or effective for the op to do

Well done OP. Perfect response and sounds like db is not going to try to change your mind. Glad it is sorted.

She sounds a lot like my ex sil.

has to be the centre of attention at all times, her family just let her do what she wants incase they upset her. She’s awful

MIC.
DROPPED.
🎙⬇👏

An even bigger one than you know, they'd gone through IVF to have nephew! It's not like it was a massive, life-plans-derailing shock of a pregnancy. His poor ex going through all of that & then being left for another woman after the 20 week scan. I can't even begin to describe what a strong woman my nephew's mum is. So, I'm under no illusions as to what my brother is. He's no loss to my life.

So you never see your DB anyway?

OP, just crack on as you were then

"Thank fuck for that"

Very well handled OP, well done! Given your subsequent updates, you should consider going fully NC. It sounds like you have a separate relationship with your nephew/niece anyway.
What I don't really understand is why you're bothered about what others think, given it seems she has similarly fallen out with lots of others?

Uh, no. Do not allow her within 50 miles of you, your loved ones, your home, your thoughts, your life.