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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what age do you ask a woman....

167 replies

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

OP posts:
Schmutter · 02/04/2023 23:51

I wouldn’t ask anyone. I think it’s quite intrusive.

Slightly on a tangent, I really wish the blood donor people would stop asking me if I could be pregnant. I’m 51 and I feel we both cringe at this stage. Yesterday, I said ‘I’m starting to feel like John the Baptist’s mother’ - a biblical reference that fell extremely flat 😬

DdraigGoch · 02/04/2023 23:53

I'd only ask if it was a natural part of a conversation.

"Aww, isn't he a lovely baby!"
"Thanks - he's kept us up a lot mind. Have you any of your own?"
etc.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 02/04/2023 23:56

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/04/2023 12:34

You don’t. She might not want kids. She might be struggling with fertility. She might feel she can’t afford kids or hasn’t met the right partner. She might have lost her children. She might have children but want to be defined as more than just her role as a mother.

If someone has kids and they want to talk about their kids, they’ll bring them up. How is this even still a debate to be had?

👏

Anyfeckinusername · 03/04/2023 00:02

This is asked ALL THE TIME and it's not anywhere near as offensive as this thread would indicate. I didn't have a child until 38 and I'd been asked plenty of times by then. It didn't offend me. I'd just say, no. Don't have kids. I wouldn't conjure up some daft "killer" comeback.

I then had two! I feel I've been on both sides of the coin and unless I'm some saint (and I don't think I am) for many childless people it is not some traumatic trigger question.

I WAS offended by people saying to me
About my pregnancy "you left it late didn't you!"

Sometimes threads on here really don't reflect real life. This is one of them.

MoongazyHare · 03/04/2023 00:10

Merangutan · 02/04/2023 21:40

If you’ve just had a horrific late miscarriage -in fact any miscarriage - you might understand why being asked ‘Do you have any children?’ is upsetting. Or if you have lost your child due to illness. Or if you remortgaged your home for IVF that didn’t work. Or if you held a stillborn in your arms. But do carry on with your nice view that anyone upset by this question is a pathetic little wimp of a woman.

Show quote history

Fully agree with you, @Merangutan - I had ten years of trying, seven miscarriages and no babies, and was once asked this while I was actually miscarrying. Mrs Nosey went on to reply to my ‘No’ - ‘oh, don’t leave it too late!’

If you asked my friend she’d tell you she has three, but one is dead.

It’s just not a question that needs to be asked at work unless you are advising a colleague or employee about child-related benefits or policies.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/04/2023 00:18

I feel I've been on both sides of the coin and unless I'm some saint (and I don't think I am) for many childless people it is not some traumatic trigger question.

It's irrelevant that some women aren't upset by the question. What matters is that some - more than maybe you imagine, because they hide it, are upset by it.

(And for that matter, some men may not want to be asked either, though they aren't so often ... can't imagine the OP asking a 23yo bloke at work if he had kids

MoongazyHare · 03/04/2023 00:18

Anyfeckinusername · 03/04/2023 00:02

This is asked ALL THE TIME and it's not anywhere near as offensive as this thread would indicate. I didn't have a child until 38 and I'd been asked plenty of times by then. It didn't offend me. I'd just say, no. Don't have kids. I wouldn't conjure up some daft "killer" comeback.

I then had two! I feel I've been on both sides of the coin and unless I'm some saint (and I don't think I am) for many childless people it is not some traumatic trigger question.

I WAS offended by people saying to me
About my pregnancy "you left it late didn't you!"

Sometimes threads on here really don't reflect real life. This is one of them.

This thread is specifically about asking the question of colleagues, in a work setting, though. That is a situation where whether or not you have children is a total irrelevance, so there’s a good argument for it being unnecessary in that scenario. Since pregnancy is also a protected characteristic under the Equality Act, people should also be mindful that they might be running into discrimination territory. If one becomes friends with colleagues, of course this stuff will come up. But afford new starters some privacy and allow them to choose what of their personal information they share, and when.

General chit chat elsewhere perhaps would find this coming up as a topic more frequently and less problematically, but at work people should have better and more relevant questions to ask.

cinci · 03/04/2023 00:24

Anyfeckinusername · 03/04/2023 00:02

This is asked ALL THE TIME and it's not anywhere near as offensive as this thread would indicate. I didn't have a child until 38 and I'd been asked plenty of times by then. It didn't offend me. I'd just say, no. Don't have kids. I wouldn't conjure up some daft "killer" comeback.

I then had two! I feel I've been on both sides of the coin and unless I'm some saint (and I don't think I am) for many childless people it is not some traumatic trigger question.

I WAS offended by people saying to me
About my pregnancy "you left it late didn't you!"

Sometimes threads on here really don't reflect real life. This is one of them.

So you were offended by people asking why you left it late but can't comprehend why people might be bothered by children/families being brought up... how can you not, I don't get it

Ok, the intention isn't to offend but if you don't want to talk about happy families for any number of reasons, then yes, it is upsetting

memesndmoreme · 03/04/2023 00:26

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2023 13:00

You don't, mainly because:

  1. You've no idea what their circumstances are
  2. People don't go around asking men this question

I would ask men or women if having a general conversation getting to know someone

MysteryBelle · 03/04/2023 00:32

I don’t think I’ve ever asked anyone. I do know that years ago it seemed very common for people to badger newly married couples or couples who have been married a while when they were going to have children.

Somanycats · 03/04/2023 01:02

Every single question might be triggering though.
Our being triggered shouldn't be allowed to become somebody else's problem. Are you married, do you drive, where do you live, what are you planning for Easter, do you want anything from the cake shop? All of those questions are going to be deeply upsetting to someone. But that is for them to deal with. It never means that someone else has to dance on eggshells around them.

RestingRulers · 03/04/2023 01:07

"What do you get up to in your spare time"
"So tell me a bit about you"
"Got any holidays planned"

It's so easy to ask questions without asking if people have kids.

Asking a female work colleague if they have kids is really dumb. It will come across as though you are fishing to see if they will be off on maternity soon.

I was asked in an local government job interview if I wanted kids. This was in the 1980's, I'm fairly sure the guy who asked me was just making conversation but I looked so horrified at the question the other two interviewers lept in to try and rescue the situation. We all laughed about it but I suspect he never asked anyone in future. I was offered the job and got pregnant within a year or so so maybe he was on to something 😅😅

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/04/2023 01:46

Men are hardly ever asked - the same respect should be given to women.

A generic "fun weekend?" etc will elicit this information if they want to share it.

Feuillemille23 · 03/04/2023 01:52

Why is it relevant? Would you ask a bloke the same question?

Indoorcatmum · 03/04/2023 01:52

Don't ask anyone of any age. Parents usually will volunteer the information when they feel comfortable. If kids aren't mentioned, assume that haven't.

MNbingo · 03/04/2023 01:54

As a childfree by choice person, it doesn’t really annoy me as I haven’t been directly asked, but I do get annoyed by the whole, “Kids! You know what they’re like etc” assumption . Well yeah, I do, hence never wanting any. But I’m too polite to say that 😂

Divorcedalongtime · 03/04/2023 02:10

Not a question to ask at all of a woman, if you menation your own kids many women who have their own will volunteer this anyway.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 03/04/2023 02:24

You don't.

Stop defining women by whether or not they have employed their uteri.

Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 03:05

FFS - it’s fine to ask in many contexts… and ‘no’ is a fine answer. Just don’t follow up with further questions about why not. Having kids or not having them is not some weird secret you don’t tell people you see every day at work.

Janedoelondon · 03/04/2023 07:08

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/04/2023 12:34

You don’t. She might not want kids. She might be struggling with fertility. She might feel she can’t afford kids or hasn’t met the right partner. She might have lost her children. She might have children but want to be defined as more than just her role as a mother.

If someone has kids and they want to talk about their kids, they’ll bring them up. How is this even still a debate to be had?

This one thousand times over!

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 03/04/2023 07:28

I do get annoyed by the whole, “Kids! You know what they’re like etc” assumption . Well yeah, I do, hence never wanting any. But I’m too polite to say that

Indeed. 'I've been up all night because little Johnny's got tummy ache - you know how it is'. (No, thank goodness!)

Anyfeckinusername · 03/04/2023 07:28

@cinci yep I was because it was commentary and not a question. To say I was offended is probably a stretch. I definitely felt it was none of their business and I didn't offer a backstory

RaininginDarling · 03/04/2023 07:33

One of the truly great joys about being in my 50s is that women (and it was always women) no longer ask me this question. When I think about it further, isn't that interesting ?

I'd still be a mum, if I'd had kids, at 50 but I'm no longer defined - judged - by that choice/circumstance. Says a lot, really.

EyesOnThePies · 03/04/2023 07:34

I’m betting no one would have asked a 20 yo man that.

Jonei · 03/04/2023 07:35

I still get asked that question in my 50s. Not that I mind. I just tell them the answer. 🤷‍♀️