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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what age do you ask a woman....

167 replies

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

OP posts:
Odile13 · 02/04/2023 12:48

I wouldn’t ask at all. It will come up in conversation soon enough if the other person wants to talk about it.

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:48

Mamai90 · 02/04/2023 12:47

If people have kids it'll come up within the first 5 mins anyway. You wait for someone to mention their children.

Not true. Especially at work where the mother penalty is real.

UseOfWeapons · 02/04/2023 12:49

You never ask. If they have kids and want to talk about them, they will. If they don’t, they might be struggling with infertility, or not want them at all. I used to dread this when I was trying to have baby. It’s none of your business, if you want to get to know someone tell them a bit about you, and see if they reciprocate. Intrusive questions are not okay.

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 12:50

Mamai90 · 02/04/2023 12:47

If people have kids it'll come up within the first 5 mins anyway. You wait for someone to mention their children.

Yeah that's not the case when you're starting a new job.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 02/04/2023 12:51

It's such a conversation killer when you say no, I don't have kids - lots of people don't know what to say to that.

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 12:53

People need to grow thicker skin if asking ' do you have kids', triggers them.

susiesuelou · 02/04/2023 12:54

This is such a bizarre question 🤔

WandaWonder · 02/04/2023 12:54

Why would you need to ask?

susiesuelou · 02/04/2023 12:54

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2023 12:34

What age do you ask the men?

This

Hbh17 · 02/04/2023 12:56

You NEVER NEVER ask any woman (or man) if they have kids. It is intrusive and unnecessary. If they want to talk about their children, they will and then you can go into the conversation.
Just think before diving in with all the personal questions, please!

readbooksdrinktea · 02/04/2023 12:56

You don't ever. What's the need for that question?

SmudgeButt · 02/04/2023 12:58

What if you ask and the individual bursts into tears? What if you ask and the 20 years old says she has 6 already? Save talking about kids when you're waiting to pick one up at the school gate. (presumably you should be picking up your own and not some random child....)

EarthwormJane · 02/04/2023 12:59

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:47

Best not to speak at all unless it's about the weather.

Please don't talk about the weather, I find it really triggering.

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 13:00

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 12:53

People need to grow thicker skin if asking ' do you have kids', triggers them.

It's not that question that's upsetting. It's the inevitable "why not?" that's the problem.

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/04/2023 13:00

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 12:53

People need to grow thicker skin if asking ' do you have kids', triggers them.

I take it you either have kids, or never wanted them? It's not so easy to just breezily say 'No' if it's a fact that breaks your heart.

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2023 13:00

You don't, mainly because:

  1. You've no idea what their circumstances are
  2. People don't go around asking men this question
gogohmm · 02/04/2023 13:02

I would avoid asking generally unless part of a conversation they are involved in where it is appropriate to ask such a question eg they are talking about children

Ponoka7 · 02/04/2023 13:02

If you are the type to ask, then from any age. Why should women who have had children under 20 need to be excluded like it's a dirty little secret? Usually it comes up in conversation naturally. My eldest states that she doesn't have kids and didn't want them, but talks about her DNs (my GC) who she takes on holiday etc. So does her DP. He's been asked if it bothers him and tbh much more intrusive questioning than my DD.

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 13:03

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 12:53

People need to grow thicker skin if asking ' do you have kids', triggers them.

You think people should grow a thicker skin about being infertile or suffering multiple miscarriages perhaps? Okay.

WhatFreshHeckle · 02/04/2023 13:03

Probably shouldn't ask at all for reasons already mentioned.

However I remember being asked when I was about 19 and was a bit Hmm

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/04/2023 13:04

Yeah that's not the case when you're starting a new job.

But what does it matter? I've worked with a Woman for 15 years, and while I assume she doesn't have kids as she's never mentioned having any, I've never actually asked her.

It makes absolutely no difference at all to our jobs or working relationship.

Ponoka7 · 02/04/2023 13:04

" People don't go around asking men this question"

They do.

SherbertDabs · 02/04/2023 13:04

Same age you’d ask a man.

CurlewKate · 02/04/2023 13:06

Isn't it part of general get to know you chit chat? Have you got a long commute? Do you have kids? Tea or coffee?

Boomboom22 · 02/04/2023 13:07

Not until at least 30! Preferably not at all but I answer when asked

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