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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what age do you ask a woman....

167 replies

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 02/04/2023 18:53

It has never come across my mind to ask anyone if they have kids, especially at work.

darjeelingrose · 02/04/2023 18:57

I would never ask. I don't see that it is ever ok to ask. I wouldn't ask if somebody had a partner either. I would expect to find out from other interaction, perhaps talking about holidays or something, but I wouldn't straight out ask. It's of course ok to ask if you have some info, such as, is it two girls you have, that sort of thing, but otherwise, no.

slowquickstep · 02/04/2023 18:59

Why was she too young to be asked? I was married and had a baby before i was 20 !

OzempicClicker · 02/04/2023 19:06

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

I've never asked anyone if they have kids, as far as I recall . I'm 57. Nose ointment!

Tribollite · 02/04/2023 19:08

I'm another one without being kids who hates being asked, as I feel like 'No' is rude and I should be supplying a reason. Which I'm not going to supply, so I say 'no' the other person looks awkward and the conversation withers until a quick change of subject.

The best response I heard was a woman being asked if she had children, and she looked into the distance as if she had a million more interesting thoughts in her mind (which I'm sure she did) and dreamily replied 'No, we thought we would rather...not'.

GalileoHumpkins · 02/04/2023 19:10

I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally

Pro tip, don't ask anyone of any age. Think of a more interesting thing to talk about.

Roselilly36 · 02/04/2023 19:13

I wouldn’t ask, it would soon come out in conversation.

reddwarfgeek · 02/04/2023 19:29

23 is young to be asked that.
I started getting asked in my late 20s. By early 30s I got asked a lot, and usually by the same people at work. I actually started a thread relating to this not long ago, and people didn't believe that I had colleagues that constantly asked me when I was planning children (and now I constantly get asked when I'm having another 🙄). It pisses me off, it's so rude!
I mean, ask once, but then move on!
As a result I never ask people first, if they ask me I will return the question but only then.
I don't see it as idle chit chat, it can be triggering and hurtful. Plus it's none of their bloody business.

cinci · 02/04/2023 19:42

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:32

You don't - you wait for them to tell you.

Yep. I had kids when I was under 20 and still wouldn't go around asking. It can be sensitive for some people so have to be careful

threecupsofteaminimum · 02/04/2023 20:17

Never.

threecupsofteaminimum · 02/04/2023 20:19

I had concurrent miscarriages and a stillbirth before my DS who was a miracle high risk baby.

I find it intrusive and would never ask anyone, definitely not if I didn't even know them. Confused

FinallyHere · 02/04/2023 20:45

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:32

You don't - you wait for them to tell you.

This. Simples.

Jonei · 02/04/2023 20:50

Only on Mumsnet.

Meanwhile back in the real world...

Forgooodnesssakenow · 02/04/2023 21:12

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 12:34

It does matter. Offensive no. But as a childless not through choice woman, I’d rather not be asked this at work. I started a new job this week and was asked that question on Friday. I really would rather not have had that conversation.

Show quote history

When I was in this position I'd just say nope and not elaborate, just let the awkward silence they've created hang there for a bit. I hated this too. People are sht.

Witchcraftandhokum · 02/04/2023 21:13

When somebody asks me if I have kids I reply "god no, I can't stand children". It has the dual effect of shocking the bejezus out of them and stops them boring you witless with stories about their own offspring.

Merangutan · 02/04/2023 21:30

Don’t ask anybody. If they have them or want to chat about children, it will be volunteered to you. A lot of women who don’t have children don’t want to be put on the spot and asked this question. It’s awkward and potentially very sensitive / upsetting.

cinci · 02/04/2023 21:33

To be honest, even if somebody does have children, I can think of reasons why you wouldn't want to discuss them or family life in general.

Merangutan · 02/04/2023 21:40

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 12:53

People need to grow thicker skin if asking ' do you have kids', triggers them.

If you’ve just had a horrific late miscarriage -in fact any miscarriage - you might understand why being asked ‘Do you have any children?’ is upsetting. Or if you have lost your child due to illness. Or if you remortgaged your home for IVF that didn’t work. Or if you held a stillborn in your arms. But do carry on with your nice view that anyone upset by this question is a pathetic little wimp of a woman.

largeprintagathachristie · 02/04/2023 22:02

I wasn’t able to have children.
i hated this question.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/04/2023 22:21

@Merangutan

If you’ve just had a horrific late miscarriage -in fact any miscarriage - you might understand why being asked ‘Do you have any children?’ is upsetting. Or if you have lost your child due to illness. Or if you remortgaged your home for IVF that didn’t work. Or if you held a stillborn in your arms. But do carry on with your nice view that anyone upset by this question is a pathetic little wimp of a woman.

Quite. Crashing emotional stupidity.

But also quite apart from this it’s a pretty dull conversation starter.

If the only way you can imagine getting to know someone is probing them on their reproductive life within minutes of having met them you probably aren’t cut out for socialising anyway.

MrsHughesPinny · 02/04/2023 22:22

I’d say you never ask anyone, male or female. If they volunteer that information, fine. Otherwise it’s none of your business.

slowquickstep · 02/04/2023 22:24

Don't people have general conversations anymore?

MrsHughesPinny · 02/04/2023 23:42

@slowquickstep If I was going to make small talk with a new colleague I’d ask about their previous job/ educational background and hobbies or interests. I wouldn’t feel great about being asked about my personal circumstances or relationships by unknown colleagues.

JeannieAlogy · 02/04/2023 23:46

Wednesdaysotherchild · 02/04/2023 15:34

There is no age at which it is ok - unless her conversation or the context indicates it! If anyone asked me at 40, they’ll get an earful about infertility, recurrent miscarriage, IVF and the grief of childlessness. And I might cry at them. So don’t ask, for some of us it’s too painful and personal.

This is precisely why I don't ask.
There are myriad other things to discuss within the realms of "making conversation".

twolilacs · 02/04/2023 23:47

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2023 12:34

What age do you ask the men?

That's what I was thinking too. If it isn't a question you'd ask of a man in the workplace, then why ask a woman?

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