Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At what age do you ask a woman....

167 replies

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

OP posts:
Greenfairydust · 02/04/2023 13:09

You don't ask...

Just like I would never ask anyone if they have a partner/are married.

These are personal, non-work related matters.

If the person wants to tell you, then they will.

I never assume that anyone is necessarily heterosexual, married with 2 kids. Or that anyone wants to share their private life with me in a work environment.

I remember joining one organisation and meeting one colleague who was from New Zealand for the first time who to introduce herself launched into a long monologue about her kids, partner, background and then at the end just looked at me expecting me to do the same I think my response was ''I just moved from company X and will be doing X role in this organisation. Lovely to meet you and look forward to working with you'' and left it at that.

Completely inappropriate of her to expect me to share my entire life with a stranger.

The point is allow people to get to know you and to share what they are comfortable sharing.

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/04/2023 13:09

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:41

But how do people get to know each other without asking questions?

You don't start off with personal questions. If people have children, they're usually mentioned sooner or later in the context of general questions such as 'did you have a nice weekend?'.

Ah, but what if the person you're asking had a huge row with their partner at the weekend, or it's the anniversary of the death of a loved one, or they had to have their cat put to sleep ...

Anything can be triggering to someone but the world would be a difficult place if we didn't try to make connections with each other, There's only so far you can go with "nice day today, isn't it?"

No, I don't ask women if they have children. But almost any question can be intrusive/triggering.

SaltyDogLife · 02/04/2023 13:10

It's very possible for a 20 year old to have a baby or toddler, it's not like they asked a 12 year old.

I would never ask unless directly relevant, I just wouldn't ask it as a casual chat because there are older women with no children or they may have a miscarriage or lost their child. It's too personal, never ask wait for them to mention it.

PeachPiePrincess · 02/04/2023 13:11

BabyofMine · 02/04/2023 12:33

I’m not sure it’s a question I’ve ever asked anyone ever. I’ve only ever found out if people volunteered that information. What if they were struggling with infertility, or had lost a child, or had a big falling out and didn’t want to talk about it? Normally you find out very quickly if someone at work has kids as they mention them.

Exactly

SaltyDogLife · 02/04/2023 13:11

You get to know people with time and by listening to what they want to reveal which they will when they are ready.

Blueblell · 02/04/2023 13:11

I wouldn’t ask at all - it’s usually something that you learn through conversation without having ask. Lots of reasons why people might not have kids, not just age and if they are in the category of wanting kids but not being able to it then it probably not great to be asked.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/04/2023 13:11

Just don’t ask. Lots of people don’t have children and find it irritating/upsetting to be asked.

If someone has children, they’ll drop it into conversation soon enough.

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 13:13

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 13:00

It's not that question that's upsetting. It's the inevitable "why not?" that's the problem.

Show quote history

As I have mentioned on the thread already. I was asked this a few days into a new job only a few days ago. I am not childless by choice, although I am 52 now and quite at peace with being childless and it isn’t something that is going to upset me, but I would still rather not have that conversation. It is quite an embarrassing moment on both sides, the person that asked didn’t know what to say when I replied “no”. There was just an awkward lingering silence. I can’t say anybody has ever asked “why not”.

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 13:17

@Aprilx obviously not!!

That's not what I said. But the question is innocent.

WhateverHappenedToMe · 02/04/2023 13:18

Presumably you also ask new male colleagues if they have children as well?

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 13:19

@QueSyrahSyrah

I do have my kids, yes. I have experienced loss too. It's still just a casual, innocent question.

And yes as another poster said, if it's followed by 'why not', that's obviously inappropriate.

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 13:19

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 13:17

@Aprilx obviously not!!

That's not what I said. But the question is innocent.

Eh? I wasn’t responding to you, whoever you are.

Mocky · 02/04/2023 13:20

I love it when new colleagues ask me whether I have children. This is a question that is only ever asked by people who are parents themselves, so I always say, 'God, no. Having kids is a mug's game', and watch their faces drop.

Ask personal questions, expect salty answers.

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 13:26

@Aprilx yes you were? 😂

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/04/2023 13:33

@itsabigtree Thought so. So when someone asks, you say yes, and they naturally to turn how old? Boys or girls? Blah blah blah.

I say No. Awkward silence. Tumbleweeds blow by why the inquisitor desperately scrabbles for a follow-up question that's not 'why not?'.

WhatTheHeckyPeck · 02/04/2023 13:34

You don't.

wyntersuhn · 02/04/2023 13:36

At what age do you ask a man if he has kids?

RosaBonheur · 02/04/2023 13:36

I wouldn't ask any woman of any age. It might be a sensitive subject.

AlisonDonut · 02/04/2023 13:39

I don't think I've ever asked anyone this question, ever.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/04/2023 13:39

If you're talking about asking colleagues (which I think is odd/intrusive anyway - if someone talks about their children, I might ask what ages) - why would you only ask the question of a woman?

Quveas · 02/04/2023 13:42

I think it's inappropriate, and rather offensive, to ask a woman if she has children at any age. Women are not defined by child bearing.

furryfrontbottom · 02/04/2023 13:45

I have never asked anyone if he/she has children, because the topic might not be welcome and in any case, I wouldn't be interested.

bitcharming · 02/04/2023 13:54

Well I had 3 by the time I was 23 so 🤷 you never know.

CantBeArsedOrAsked · 02/04/2023 14:02

If someone asks me this I assume that they just want to talk about their children and aren't interested in much else.
Before I had DC used to enjoy the reaction when I just said a plain "no". Uncomfortable silence ensued (for them, not me) as they looked embarrassed and tried to think of how to continue the conversation.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 14:03

You ask as if it's an almost obligatory question. Why not wait and let the conversation unfold naturally.
I have a silly game I play. When new acquaintances ask me about children at the beginning of a conversation it kind of grates. So I just answer differently each time. The conversation always follows a script...
Yes, 2 boys
How old?
12 and 15
Oh they must be a handful...

Yes just the one
Oh, boy or girl
Daughter, she's 7
Oh lovely age

Yes 3
Oh you've got your hands full

Yes 2 lots of twins
Oh you've got your hands full/l always wanted twins/my cousin has twins

Endless combinations but one they've established ghe gender and ages the conversation goes nowhere. I've 'had' triplets

I've never quite got round to asking Why do you ask? Or perhaps ask back if they have a dishwasher or a degree (establishing common ground?)

Swipe left for the next trending thread