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AIBU?

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Original poster

At what age do you ask a woman....

167 replies

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

OP posts:
SlipSlidinAway · 02/04/2023 14:07

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:32

Does it matter? She either does or doesn't.
I can't see how asking is offensive.

Can't you? Some relatives of mine couldn't have children. They adopted 2 gorgeous kids and have had a great family life with them. However, one of them said to me only the other day how sick they used to get, prior to the adoption, of people asking them if they had kids/when were they going to have them etc.

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 14:10

I wouldn’t ask at any age unless it applied to any conversation we were having.

polka62 · 02/04/2023 14:17

Is knowing the answer to the question relevant to your relationship with them? I.e childcare benefits, working around school time etc?

If the answer is no, don't ask?

JeannieAlogy · 02/04/2023 14:20

I wouldn't ask anyone, male or female, of any age.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 14:38

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/04/2023 13:09

Ah, but what if the person you're asking had a huge row with their partner at the weekend, or it's the anniversary of the death of a loved one, or they had to have their cat put to sleep ...

Anything can be triggering to someone but the world would be a difficult place if we didn't try to make connections with each other, There's only so far you can go with "nice day today, isn't it?"

No, I don't ask women if they have children. But almost any question can be intrusive/triggering.

Show quote history

Clearly you can't foresee everything that might be upsetting. But you can avoid questions where there are only two answers, one of which might be upsetting.

OoooohMatron · 02/04/2023 15:01

DoggoCEO · 02/04/2023 12:36

Why would you ask? They’ll tell you if they want to. What age would you ask a man? 🤔

It's called making conversation and yes I would ask a man. Are you always so offended by harmless small talk?

ConstanceOcean · 02/04/2023 15:09

I think over the age of 20 is fine as they can just say no.

I don’t see it as offensive to ask someone if they have kids I do it when someone asks about mine.

I’ll ask both males and females.
I’ve not been in a situation where I’ve needed to ask anyone under 23.

I did ask a 26 year old after she asked me about my child, who was shocked and said “of course not I’m only 26!”.

ConstanceOcean · 02/04/2023 15:10

Also if I’m OLD this is one of the first things I ask.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 02/04/2023 15:11

Not sure why you would even ask. It's like the 'when are you doing to have kids?' Question.

If they bring it up fine but why would you need to know.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 02/04/2023 15:34

There is no age at which it is ok - unless her conversation or the context indicates it! If anyone asked me at 40, they’ll get an earful about infertility, recurrent miscarriage, IVF and the grief of childlessness. And I might cry at them. So don’t ask, for some of us it’s too painful and personal.

Maryandherlamb · 02/04/2023 16:26

I think I'd ask someone of any age if it was in the right context. If someone asks me about my kids and strikes up a conversation I'll often ask if they have kids in return. I wouldn't ever ask anyone of any age out of the blue though.

piedbeauty · 02/04/2023 17:20

At the same age you ask a man the same question?!

But I'd wait to be told, I think.

gkhg · 02/04/2023 17:40

Why? Some 16 year olds have kids...

User639762456 · 02/04/2023 17:45

People are usually quite proud of their children and grandchildren so generally can't wait to mention them.

NotAHappyBunnyHugger · 02/04/2023 17:58

ConstanceOcean · 02/04/2023 15:09

I think over the age of 20 is fine as they can just say no.

I don’t see it as offensive to ask someone if they have kids I do it when someone asks about mine.

I’ll ask both males and females.
I’ve not been in a situation where I’ve needed to ask anyone under 23.

I did ask a 26 year old after she asked me about my child, who was shocked and said “of course not I’m only 26!”.

They can just say no, but it feels a bit awkward to be on the receiving end of that and just give a one word answer.

If a new work colleague asked me that, I'd worry about sounding blunt by just saying "no, I don't" but I also wouldn't necessarily want to elaborate.

Out of curiosity, what are the situations where you've needed to ask someone if they had kids?

LittleRedYarny · 02/04/2023 18:01

You never ask the question because it has no relation to anyone’s qualifications for the role they are employed to do and it is not your business as a colleague.

avocadotofu · 02/04/2023 18:06

I don't think you ever ask.

SophiaSW1 · 02/04/2023 18:06

I would never ask. You have no way of knowing if it is a painful question to be asked.

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 18:07

NotAHappyBunnyHugger · 02/04/2023 17:58

They can just say no, but it feels a bit awkward to be on the receiving end of that and just give a one word answer.

If a new work colleague asked me that, I'd worry about sounding blunt by just saying "no, I don't" but I also wouldn't necessarily want to elaborate.

Out of curiosity, what are the situations where you've needed to ask someone if they had kids?

Show quote history

Yes, this is how I feel. 'No' or 'No, I don't' sounds very blunt, but there isn't a lot else you can say to someone you don't know well.

Dacadactyl · 02/04/2023 18:10

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 12:32

Why would you ask a 24 year old? 😳. Or maybe don’t ask any of your colleagues.

I had a 3 year old when I was 24!

I don't think it matters what age you ask tbh. She either has or hasn't.

turtlemurtle1982 · 02/04/2023 18:13

I wouldn't ask any woman unless they brought it up/ hinted they did. Asking a 20 year old is a bit ridiculous given statistically the changes are very low!

Throckmorton · 02/04/2023 18:15

You don't ask. Doesn't matter the age

Skodacool · 02/04/2023 18:33

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:32

You don't - you wait for them to tell you.

This

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 02/04/2023 18:41

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:35

Obviously there's no need to ask anyone this. Or anything else about their life outside work ever.
But how do people get to know each other without asking questions?
Ridiculous how offended people are. On the flip side, no one showing an interest is also offensive 😂

You can show an interest without asking potentially sensitive questions about protected characteristics.

Try something like:
Did you do anything nice at the weekend?
What are you up to this evening?
Have you got any holidays planned?
Did you watch xxxxxxx on TV last night?

You might find they volunteer whether they have kids but you don't ask.

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBaby · 02/04/2023 18:45

itsabigtree · 02/04/2023 12:53

People need to grow thicker skin if asking ' do you have kids', triggers them.

It triggers me. After year and years of infertility and 5 miscarriages. It's a question I hate or dread been asked.