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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At what age do you ask a woman....

167 replies

LilacRain12 · 02/04/2023 12:30

If she has kids?
There's a girl of 20 years old at work and she was asked if she had any children the other day. Felt that was a bit young to be asked. I wouldn't ask anyone under 23 personally.

OP posts:
PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:32

You don't - you wait for them to tell you.

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:32

Does it matter? She either does or doesn't.
I can't see how asking is offensive.

KimberleyClark · 02/04/2023 12:32

Is there any need to ask a woman this, whatever her age?

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 12:32

Why would you ask a 24 year old? 😳. Or maybe don’t ask any of your colleagues.

LordEmsworth · 02/04/2023 12:32

When you're old enough to have learned some manners, maybe?

Mushroo · 02/04/2023 12:33

I wouldn’t ask anyone. I don’t have kids so it’s not something that would cross my mind really.

Obviously if they mention something kid related I’ll ask about them as I like hearing about peoples lives, but I wouldn’t ask it as a direct question unless i had an inkling that they had kids.

In the same way I wouldn’t ask if someone has a dog unless they mentioned something dog related iyswim.

BabyofMine · 02/04/2023 12:33

I’m not sure it’s a question I’ve ever asked anyone ever. I’ve only ever found out if people volunteered that information. What if they were struggling with infertility, or had lost a child, or had a big falling out and didn’t want to talk about it? Normally you find out very quickly if someone at work has kids as they mention them.

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2023 12:34

What age do you ask the men?

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 12:34

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:32

Does it matter? She either does or doesn't.
I can't see how asking is offensive.

It does matter. Offensive no. But as a childless not through choice woman, I’d rather not be asked this at work. I started a new job this week and was asked that question on Friday. I really would rather not have had that conversation.

Mrsjayy · 02/04/2023 12:34

I would never ask a woman if she has children I'd wait till she offered the information. I don't see why you want to ask.

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/04/2023 12:34

You don’t. She might not want kids. She might be struggling with fertility. She might feel she can’t afford kids or hasn’t met the right partner. She might have lost her children. She might have children but want to be defined as more than just her role as a mother.

If someone has kids and they want to talk about their kids, they’ll bring them up. How is this even still a debate to be had?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2023 12:35

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 02/04/2023 12:34

You don’t. She might not want kids. She might be struggling with fertility. She might feel she can’t afford kids or hasn’t met the right partner. She might have lost her children. She might have children but want to be defined as more than just her role as a mother.

If someone has kids and they want to talk about their kids, they’ll bring them up. How is this even still a debate to be had?

Yep.

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:35

Obviously there's no need to ask anyone this. Or anything else about their life outside work ever.
But how do people get to know each other without asking questions?
Ridiculous how offended people are. On the flip side, no one showing an interest is also offensive 😂

DoggoCEO · 02/04/2023 12:36

Why would you ask? They’ll tell you if they want to. What age would you ask a man? 🤔

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 12:36

You shouldn't be asking anyone, regardless of age, if they have children. You shouldn't ask anyone if they are planning to have children. It's none of your business and if they want you to know, they will tell you.

FFS, some people are so intrusive.

KimberleyClark · 02/04/2023 12:37

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:35

Obviously there's no need to ask anyone this. Or anything else about their life outside work ever.
But how do people get to know each other without asking questions?
Ridiculous how offended people are. On the flip side, no one showing an interest is also offensive 😂

It’s not about offence - it can be a painful and triggering question for some women. Do you really not get that?

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 02/04/2023 12:40

The thing is, if people are willingly to share it comes up in conversation anyways. Little anecdotes, I'm so knackered because x was throwing up all night, discussions about primary/secondary schools, childcare emergencies etc.

You don't need to have the information based on YOUR timeline, things do come out. If they don't, you obviously don't have that kind of relationship so you definitely shouldn't ask.

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:40

I think it’s ok to ask if you’re getting to know each other and they know you have DC. It’s only natural to ask “have you got any too?”

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 02/04/2023 12:41

But how do people get to know each other without asking questions?

You don't start off with personal questions. If people have children, they're usually mentioned sooner or later in the context of general questions such as 'did you have a nice weekend?'.

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 12:43

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:40

I think it’s ok to ask if you’re getting to know each other and they know you have DC. It’s only natural to ask “have you got any too?”

No. If you are talking about your children to someone and they don’t say anything back about their own, then the chances are they don’t have children. There really is no need to ask. I was unable to have children and was asked by a stranger at my new job on Friday and it was not a conversation I wanted to have. Perhaps you think it is natural to ask, but perhaps you should actually find more empathy and think a bit harder about it in future.

Mamai90 · 02/04/2023 12:45

You never ask, plain and simple. This question can be painful and embarrassing for women suffering infertility. Before I had my daughter I hated being asked. Just don't.

QueSyrahSyrah · 02/04/2023 12:46

I don't like being asked, so I wouldn't ever ask. If someone does have children they tend to come up in general conversation sooner or later anyway.

Tribute219 · 02/04/2023 12:47

Best not to speak at all unless it's about the weather.

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 12:47

Aprilx · 02/04/2023 12:43

No. If you are talking about your children to someone and they don’t say anything back about their own, then the chances are they don’t have children. There really is no need to ask. I was unable to have children and was asked by a stranger at my new job on Friday and it was not a conversation I wanted to have. Perhaps you think it is natural to ask, but perhaps you should actually find more empathy and think a bit harder about it in future.

Show quote history

That’s funny because I’d say 95% of the time they do have children too. It’s only very rarely that they say they do not. And I’d not ask a stranger! This would be a new colleague that I’ve been working with for a few weeks and past the initial acquaintance phase.

Mamai90 · 02/04/2023 12:47

If people have kids it'll come up within the first 5 mins anyway. You wait for someone to mention their children.