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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to have a third baby?

157 replies

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 08:39

Hello MNs

I know this has been done to death but I really need some outside perspective.

Our situation:

  • married 10 years
  • two children age 4 & 23 months
  • own house with mortgage 5 beds
  • big car (electric) so wouldn’t need to change it
  • always wanted 3
  • I’m stay at home mum
  • household income approx £90k

Both of us have always wanted three but now I’m second guessing myself. I’ve breastfed both of mine for a long time, over two years my eldest and still going with DD now at 21 months.

Ds is starting school in September and DD will go to preschool two mornings a week so I feel like I’m just getting back to myself a bit more. My eldest didn’t sleep until he was 2 and DD still not sleeping through yet.

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them.

If you were one of three would you mind sharing how you found it? Especially if you had this sort of age gap (about 3 years between). Or if you’ve got three how do you find it?

Im so torn because on paper it looks like a no brainier to me that we can do it but then I’m so worried about another 3 years of feeding/ no sleep and the impact on my current children plus then down the line uni fees etc. I go back and forth every day!

Is there anything I’ve not thought about?

Voting: YABU to have another YANBU to have another

OP posts:
thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:40

only you and your husband can decide. Don't turn these life decisions into a vote

Chowtime · 02/04/2023 08:40

Go for it - if thats what makes you happy, why not.

Rosieposy89 · 02/04/2023 08:41

Don't do it. 2 is lovely.

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 08:42

If you were to separate, or if your DH had to give up working through illness, how do you think you'd find managing 3 (including all related expenses) on your own?

Is he a hands on dad? Does he want a third?

I'd look at this completely practically.

What's your plan if you don't have a third?

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 08:43

have you thought through the environmental implications of having 3?

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:43

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 08:43

have you thought through the environmental implications of having 3?

About 1 third more than having 2?

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 08:44

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 08:43

have you thought through the environmental implications of having 3?

That didn't take long.

TheGoogleMum · 02/04/2023 08:44

It sounds like space wise and financially you can do it, it's just a question of if you really want to which we can't answer!

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:44

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:43

About 1 third more than having 2?

Show quote history

There'd be fewer clothes and stuff to buy as can use hand me downs

blebbleb · 02/04/2023 08:44

Nimbostratus100 · 02/04/2023 08:43

have you thought through the environmental implications of having 3?

Confused
Coffeellama · 02/04/2023 08:44

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them

An extra sibling doesn’t benefit them, it benefits you. Theyl may get good out of it too, but YABU to think it’s better for them to have another sibling. I’m not saying it’s ‘worse’, but it’s deff not an advantage in life for them.

Your youngest is only 2, you can take another year to decide and think it through. You are incredibly lucky to have 2 and there’s nothing wrong with trying to add a 3rd into the mix, but also if you want to stop and enjoy 2 that’s great too as theyl have more time and attention. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here.

Desperatelywantinganother · 02/04/2023 08:45

Don’t worry about how it will affect your other children. You are lucky enough to be in a financial and practical situation that means that they will all have their own room and scope for some opportunities like after school activities and family holidays. There are good points to having more siblings and there are good points to having extra time with parents/a bigger share of resources. So I wouldn’t make that a barrier or the deciding factor.
Do you and your husband want another? Or would you prefer to move on to life with children rather than stick with life with babies and children for a little longer? When you imagine yourself in 10 years time, with teens and preteens, how many do you imagine?

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:45

Would you prefer a dog or cat instead

6namechang3 · 02/04/2023 08:46

What's wrong with thinking about the environmental consequences of having more children, Its just another issue to consider?

Desperatelywantinganother · 02/04/2023 08:46

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:45

Would you prefer a dog or cat instead

😂 really? I mean, I do understand that pets can be nice but they aren’t really ´instead’ of a child for most people are they?

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:47

Desperatelywantinganother · 02/04/2023 08:46

😂 really? I mean, I do understand that pets can be nice but they aren’t really ´instead’ of a child for most people are they?

Show quote history

If I had another child I wouldn't be able to afford a dog

Comedycook · 02/04/2023 08:48

Sounds fine for your situation...I'd say go for it

Ragwort · 02/04/2023 08:49

What will having three children give you that two doesn't? If your DH lost his job how would you cope? (Or if your relationship breaks down - harsh but something to think about).
Personally I wouldn't, but I am more than happy with an only DC.
I have two siblings, we were never close, rarely see or speak to them now .. it won't 'benefit' your existing DC ... be honest and own your decision in that YOU want another DC.

Movingsoon21 · 02/04/2023 08:51

OP sounds like you can afford it so this is literally just a question of do you and DH want another. Which we can’t answer!

The 3rd child could be the absolute making of your family or at the other end of the spectrum they could have severe disabilities which take up all your time and finances. none of us have a crystal ball so we just don’t know.

Don’t factor whether it’s a “benefit” to your other kids into it. Some kids hate their siblings, others love them, you have no way of knowing which way it will go. Having 2 already means you’ve now lost the arguments of “they’ll be lonely” or “they will have the burden of caring for us on their own when we’re old”.

Just go on what YOU and DH feel is right for you.

mynamechangemyrules · 02/04/2023 08:52

I have 3. Don't have 3. It's an uneven number and one is always left out- in their opinion. My ratio (single parent now) and money situation is v different to yours though, maybe those things would give you the time to make sure each child gets the attention they need when they need it. I find it hard to do that.

Conversely, I'm one of 4 and absolutely loved it but big age gaps and non working mother made that work.

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:53

Some questions to help you think about it in case you haven't thought of these already:

If you died would your husband be able to look after 3?

If they want to go to uni do you want to help fund them?

Do you have enough for care home fees?

Do you want to go back to work?

Do you want to take your kids on holiday - 3 kids means 2 rooms.

Desperatelywantinganother · 02/04/2023 08:54

thegrain · 02/04/2023 08:47

If I had another child I wouldn't be able to afford a dog

Show quote history

Fair enough. I guess I’m just not a massive animal person so although I would consider a lower maintenance pet if my family really wanted one, there is just no way I’d ever compromise on the number of children I want so that we could have a dog and I’d be pretty offended if someone seriously suggested to me IRL that I should get a pet instead of have another child.
But I accept that’s me and my view on this is not universal :)

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/04/2023 08:54

I don’t have 3 but I have friends with 3- I don’t see that the added sibling outweighs the stress, inability to perfectly divide the parents time etc. I think it really limits the other children’s abilities to have play dates, extra curricular activities etc.

Zuyi · 02/04/2023 08:55

Of course, yes, if you want another child then go for it.

Myneighbourskia · 02/04/2023 08:55

Do it if you like but own it and deal with the consequences. Kids get very expensive as they get into their teens. Most of the families I know with three and four kids are struggling at the moment, especially with the cost of living crisis. We earn more than you and two is our max.