Am I unreasonable to have a third baby?

[To3ornot]

Hello MNs

I know this has been done to death but I really need some outside perspective.

Our situation:

• married 10 years
• two children age 4 & 23 months
• own house with mortgage 5 beds
• big car (electric) so wouldn’t need to change it
• always wanted 3
• I’m stay at home mum
• household income approx £90k

Both of us have always wanted three but now I’m second guessing myself. I’ve breastfed both of mine for a long time, over two years my eldest and still going with DD now at 21 months.

Ds is starting school in September and DD will go to preschool two mornings a week so I feel like I’m just getting back to myself a bit more. My eldest didn’t sleep until he was 2 and DD still not sleeping through yet.

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them.

If you were one of three would you mind sharing how you found it? Especially if you had this sort of age gap (about 3 years between). Or if you’ve got three how do you find it?

Im so torn because on paper it looks like a no brainier to me that we can do it but then I’m so worried about another 3 years of feeding/ no sleep and the impact on my current children plus then down the line uni fees etc. I go back and forth every day!

Is there anything I’ve not thought about?

Voting: YABU to have another YANBU to have another

Ah fair enough sorry didn't mean to cause offense. Just know some people are dead set on getting a dog and might not be able to afford both in terms of money and time. Apologies again if i caused offense I know a dog isn't a replacement for a child, I should have chosen my words more carefully x

I don’t think 90k is enough to raise 3 kids but maybe you live somewhere cheaper than me!

How do you feel about being pregnant and giving birth again?

I voted YANBU because if you want a third and you can afford it, financially and emotionally, then it is not unreasonable.

BUT

I have three, with similar age gaps to you (22 months and 27 months). The baby stage was ok, we never really came out of it between babies, so didn't feel like going backwards. And DC 3 is an absolute ray of sunshine. But practically and financially it is much harder (holidays, hotel rooms, family tickets etc, all set up for 4). Also mine are now tween/teens and there have been all sorts of emotional and MH difficulties - three under 5 was a breeze but parenting them now is emotionally exhausting.

Also I naively assumed our financial situation would continue to improve or remain stable. In fact DH has been made redundant twice and his industry has become increasingly volatile since Brexit/ covid. He is now 50 and finding secure and long term work is challenging and things like university costs are going to be a struggle I never anticipated. One less child would make all of this much easier.

No, I wouldn't be without DC3 but it is undeniably harder, in ways I never anticipated.

So glad to see this the first reply,this is the only valid answer

I sure you don't really think that families work to a formula but that's how your post reads. In case it's not perfecty obvious one person's experience of a 3 child family is not everyones

It is half more, not a third

I’ve been a bit tormented by this decision for the last year, and do find it helpful reading other peoples views. I think part of it is being prepared to be very realistic and accept the downsides. My kids are older than yours so it would definitely be a going back for me and we would definitely have issues where the kids would all be at different stages and want different things. However when I look ahead I definitely imagine a family of 5. And I love being pregnant and giving birth, I feel grief at not doing that again. But that’s heart and I think this needs to be more of a head decision than having 1 or 2.

I think a family of 3 definitely has a different vibe, it’s difficult to generalise but for me it is more hectic and probably a bit more chaotic but definitely fun. Obviously 2 kids and parents are fun too but there is something a bit different about the atmosphere of a big family. So it depends what you’re after really. Speaking from experience though my DD2 (my third child), who I had when my DD1 was just in nursery (so a 3.5 yr age gap) was a joy and I definitely enjoyed her baby years more than the other 2 (much closer age gap). I knew what I was doing, the other kids were in school/ nursery and the baby just seemed to fit in with everything really. Looking back I don’t even remember the nights being too bad as my partner did the school runs. I think if you’ve always wanted 3, and you’re financially able to do it then you may regret not doing it more. But only you can decide.

So true that the world is set up for 2 adults + 2 children: family tickets, holidays, even cars cater for 2 adults in the front + 2 kids in the back. If you find it hard to make the decision about Baby 3, leave it 6 months then see how you feel. Still unsure after 6 months? Give it another 6 months. Depends on your age and other personal circumstances, I know.

Oops! Sorry. This was directly for OP. But I do agree with your POV 😊

Thanks all for such a range of opinions - it’s really helpful.

I know no one can answer this for us, but I am going back and forth almost daily and appreciate hearing others experiences.

to answer some questions:

DH feels the same as me, would like another in principle but concerned about the practicalities. He is one of three (I’m an only) and he has always thought it was a great number although it would be very different age gaps.

Im 35 so time not hugely on our side - loved pregnancy and two good births

We already have a dog!

We live in the Home Counties so the comments about affordability ring true. I guess that’s a worry of mine, right now we can afford ‘exotic’ holidays for us all but would have to cut back hugely on this and for a long time. Although mine do seem as happy at butlins at the moment I’m not sure they will when they are teens.

Enviroment wise - we do our best, we are all vegan and have an electric car but no, I’m not particularly worried about the impact of adding a third in this respect.

Money wise if DH lost his job things would be extremely difficult although we do have some savings which would tide us over for a while. If I died and DH had to cope alone it would obviously be much harder with three and we don’t have any family support here at all.

I would love to have another but these practicalities are the thing stopping me so I think that’s maybe why I’m trying to distill it into a formula!!

It is true that the world is set up for 2 adults + 2 children: family tickets, holidays, even cars cater for 2 adults in the front + 2 kids in the back. If you find it hard to make the decision about Baby 3, leave it 6 months then see how you feel. Still unsure after 6 months? Give it another 6 months. Depends on your age and other personal circumstances, I know.

Yep. This. You are in the enviable situation of being able to have a 3rd child and afford them, but you are unsure if you want a 3rd child. (Although, you could have secondary infertility and not know it). But anyway, the decision to go ahead and TTC or not is up to you and your partner.

Fwiw, we also wanted 3 DC but stopped after #2 because it was a very difficult pregnancy and similar to you, my physical health just couldn’t take another pregnancy and childbirth. It’s a valid reason to forgo the larger family you originally wanted.

What’s your plan for your own life OP? At 35, are you aiming to stay out of work forever, or are you hoping for a career too? That would come into my decision.

No its not as all the baby stuff has already been bought

I can’t believe some people are so flippant about this. She’s asking about having a child not decorating a room.

The only thing I would say is that if there was a real catastrophe, like nod parent dying or complete loss of family income I don’t actually see that having 2 or 3 kids would make that much of a difference IYSWIM? It would be pretty hard anyway. And in terms of money my 3rd was definitely the cheapest as I didn’t spend a load of money on baby stuff and she lived in hand me down’s until she was at least 8! Accept you need to budget for nursery and university fees but apart from that the finances are fine and it sounds like the OP won’t really need to worry that much about money.

Oh and my point about the children ‘benefitting’ I suppose is that I don’t know if it’s objectively ‘better’ to be one of two or one of three. I worry about turning my DD into the middle child and her feeling neglected. But I appreciate this may be ridiculous thinking!

Yes this comes into it too. I have a small business that is baby related (slings/ breastfeeding support) but before this I did have a career and I would like to get back to work once my youngest (whoever they are!) is reception age. So another pushes this back a further 3 years I suppose.

Middle child here. Hasn't done me any harm

Are you trying for a boy?

I am one of three, the eldest and the only girl.

I liked being one of three, I didn't always love having little brothers growing up but generally we got on okay. I actually get on better with my youngest brother (5 year's difference) as we are more similar characters.

Weirdly, I had a conversation about this with now adult eldest son, the other day.
I have 3 DC, and we were not as well off as OP, and having 3 did mean extra expense that meant we couldn't afford all the extras- although they weren't deprived by most standards. We certainly couldn't afford annual foreign holidays and would have to budget carefully for days out. Meals out are expensive when you are paying for 5, especially once they need adult portions.
We did afford swimming and music lessons with help from GPS but clothes were secondhand, and things like theatre or cinema were a rarity.

A friend had a high earning DH, had four DC, and then he got cancer and died when youngest was two. I always think stick with the number you can manage if one of you ends up as a single parent. Sorry if that sounds negative.