Am I unreasonable to have a third baby?

[To3ornot]

Hello MNs

I know this has been done to death but I really need some outside perspective.

Our situation:

• married 10 years
• two children age 4 & 23 months
• own house with mortgage 5 beds
• big car (electric) so wouldn’t need to change it
• always wanted 3
• I’m stay at home mum
• household income approx £90k

Both of us have always wanted three but now I’m second guessing myself. I’ve breastfed both of mine for a long time, over two years my eldest and still going with DD now at 21 months.

Ds is starting school in September and DD will go to preschool two mornings a week so I feel like I’m just getting back to myself a bit more. My eldest didn’t sleep until he was 2 and DD still not sleeping through yet.

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them.

If you were one of three would you mind sharing how you found it? Especially if you had this sort of age gap (about 3 years between). Or if you’ve got three how do you find it?

Im so torn because on paper it looks like a no brainier to me that we can do it but then I’m so worried about another 3 years of feeding/ no sleep and the impact on my current children plus then down the line uni fees etc. I go back and forth every day!

Is there anything I’ve not thought about?

Voting: YABU to have another YANBU to have another

If you’re so concerned about the environment then you best not have had any children, not drive, never use an aeroplane, and not use any electricity. Otherwise you’re a hypocrite.

OP, another sibling won’t benefit your children. Children are something a couple wants. I’m concerned that you’ve already been out of work for years and don’t plan on returning to work until your youngest (your current youngest or a third) has started school. You’re already 35 so you’d be 40 or nearly 40 by the time you get back into work. That’s a good chunk of potential earnings and career progression lost. Should anything happen to your dh (loses his job, leaves you etc) you don’t have any finances of your own.

Going from 2 to 3 isn't 1/3 more expensive or takes 1/3 extra time, that's not how it works in reality. If you want 3 do it now with the smaller age gaps.

I have three 2 & 3 year age gaps.

My third birth was v difficult compared to the first two & my child was a very bad sleeper. I found it took me a long time to recover from the birth emotionally & physically.

It was hard when they were small & I sometimes felt I couldn’t give them all the time & attention that I would have liked. It was exhausting!

I absolutely love having three, they get on well together and they are fantastic kids although Im probably a bit biased!!

Its busy & expensive as they get older but thankfully our finances have improved and we are managing ok.

🙄

I'm one of three and I have three.

My childhood was great, I am the eldest though. I am close to my two siblings. I don't believe they have suffered any ill effects being 1of3. My Mum and Dad did separate but fortunately financially, although it wasn't as flexible, it was manageable.

My third was not planned. I wouldn't have planned to have a third. It is hard and I feel like I can never give one my full attention, well actually apart from the littlest (almost 2) as, practically, he needs the most support.

Financially we are very comfortable so no concerns there and have a good amount of savings/investments to support any change of circumstances.

I work part time. It's hectic. I am up at 6am and don't sit down until 9pm.
Our cars not big enough so some places we have to take 2 cars, we've lost our spare room (now I have to look at my washing, eurgh) holidays are a lot more expensive (most places we need 2 rooms) and I've found we've had to compromise more. But I can suffer all of these , mostly first world problems, because my third child is an absolute joy and we are all utterly besotted with him

I agree that the decision should be about you and your husband wanting a third child, not the possible benefit to your existing children.

We have a third and neither of the other two are very interested in them. There is a close bond between the first two but I think they consider the third one in surplus to their requirements. Our number 2 child would probably actively say that he wishes we hadn’t had the third!

We are certainly noticing the cost element now that we are into the teenage years. University is very expensive.

Youngest of 3 here, there was never any food in the house!

If you don’t mind having 3 teens in 10 years! It is exhausting. just go on some of the teenage threads.

Also on the financial side as you are in Home Counties I don’t think that’s enough. Depends on how much you spend on housing every month. With older teenagers you are basically clothing and housing an adult. Actually more expensive than an adult.

If for a reason you think one or more would be better off in a private school it won’t be an option at all. Activities in the summer eg tennis camps, science camps. Tutoring for GCSEs. Even swimming.

On the university saving, you are absolute right to consider this I am not sure why PP said unreasonable. Start saving a bit into a Stocks and Shares ISA now and it will make a big dent later on. We are not paying Uni fees we expect to DC to take loan for this and take the minimum maintenance loan to live on but the savings are covering a big chunk of our contribution approx £6-8k per year per child (we pay accommodation direct to the halls).

I know a few people they are an instead of for.

If I was in the position where I had had two easy pregnancies and two good births, resulting in two healthy children I think I would quit while I was ahead. When people discuss having an additional child the discussion usually assumes another healthy, neurotypical child. There is no guarantee that a third child would be healthy. You could have a complicated pregnancy that lands you in hospital for an extended period. You could have miscarriages, a stillbirth or end up in the position of having to decide whether to terminate a pregnancy for medical reasons. They could be profoundly disabled which would change not only your lives, but your existing children's lives forever. Of course it could all be totally straightforward and they may be perfectly healthy, but I wouldn't be rushing to roll the dice again if I already had a lovely family of 4.

Apart from all of that, having an additional child will have a huge impact on how much financial support you will be able to offer them in terms of going to university and house deposits etc. We've reached the stage that it is very difficult for young people to get on the housing ladder without help from their parents now. It's worth considering what support you might want to be able to offer, and if the benefits of having a third child are worth the compromises that you'd have to make with regards to this. I disagree with previous posters who say you should not be considering what's best for your existing children when you make this decision. I think as their parents, their best interests should be a top priority in every decision you make.

Fair enough

Consider also that you'd have to give birth again with all that that involves

It’s unlikely she hasn’t thought of that 😂

Yes agree. You should absolutely think about this. My third wasn't planned so I skipped that part but he was 5 weeks prem and in SCBU for 2 weeks. Luckily no lasting effects and a lot less than some deal with but still a difficult time. Nothings guaranteed in life, sadly.

My rule with number of DC was to never have more than I could cope with and afford if I found myself on my own, for whatever reason. Shit happens, marriages crumble, people die unexpectedly. If you were find yourself a single parent, how easily could you manage and afford three?

Go for it. Don't know anyone who wishes they hadn't had one of their children, I know few who wish they had another though

I absolutely disagree with this comment. On the WIWIKAU Facebook page there are a lot of posts from parents who are concerned that their DC's maintenance loan won't even cover halls fees, let alone leave enough for them to live on. These parents don't have the means to top up the loans.

@To3ornot you also need to consider the emotional toll that having three teenagers will have on you. A kiss and a cuddle won't make things instantly better if they are having friendship issues or are being bullied at school. Then there is the stress of GCSEs x 3, A levels x 3, UCAS x 3.

Then the expense of mobile phones x 3, laptops x 3 - they will need them for homework.

I know a few whose 3rd turned out to be twins, worth taking this possibility into account in your decision making

Think of poor planet earth.

Imagine if everyone had an additional kid, how that would affect your existing children 's future quality of life. It's already going to be grim for them.

The third might turn out to be the next big environmentalist.

Also really good points from @pbdr. I know a family who had a profoundly autistic DC for #3 - he'll never live independently, he's violent, he wipes his backside on the bath towels, he regularly trashes their home, they had to get a house far from any neighbours because he is so noisy. Another family had twins and so ended up with four DC. They're all healthy and fine, but to go from two to four is a huge adjustment and a huge additional cost.

How did you survive to be an adult then without any food? Genuine question.

The third might turn out to be the next big environmentalist.

Indeed - also,, birthrates are plummeting - in a few thousand years humans will be starting to die out, which actually, now i'm writing that down in words, doesn't necessarily seem to be a bad thing for the planet

I had the stress of laptops and phones being damaged by my 3 😡 In regards to university money to live on they can get a job plenty of young people who go to university work as well it's not uncommon. My daughter's friends work and go to university. There is nothing wrong with getting a job.

I think you should go for it. Given you're still referring to a near 2yo using months indicates you can't quite detach from the baby stage yet.