Am I unreasonable to have a third baby?

[To3ornot]

Hello MNs

I know this has been done to death but I really need some outside perspective.

Our situation:

• married 10 years
• two children age 4 & 23 months
• own house with mortgage 5 beds
• big car (electric) so wouldn’t need to change it
• always wanted 3
• I’m stay at home mum
• household income approx £90k

Both of us have always wanted three but now I’m second guessing myself. I’ve breastfed both of mine for a long time, over two years my eldest and still going with DD now at 21 months.

Ds is starting school in September and DD will go to preschool two mornings a week so I feel like I’m just getting back to myself a bit more. My eldest didn’t sleep until he was 2 and DD still not sleeping through yet.

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them.

If you were one of three would you mind sharing how you found it? Especially if you had this sort of age gap (about 3 years between). Or if you’ve got three how do you find it?

Im so torn because on paper it looks like a no brainier to me that we can do it but then I’m so worried about another 3 years of feeding/ no sleep and the impact on my current children plus then down the line uni fees etc. I go back and forth every day!

Is there anything I’ve not thought about?

Voting: YABU to have another YANBU to have another

I think it’s a bit preachy because at the population level our country, our continent, our hemisphere is not overpopulating at all. We are below replacement level. We are doing our bit for the environment already.

My ex husband said this, and like an idiot I went along with it despite desperately wanting 3 myself. I resent him to this day and will go to my grave thinking that someone is missing when I look at my children. I wish I'd left him about 7 years earlier so I could have found someone else to have my third with. Don't be me OP 😉

You don't work so adding on more pressure to your DH I don't think 90k single earner and 3 DC is stable enough. You also probably have a big mortgage if 5 bedrooms and electric car on finance. If your DH becomes ill how are you going to pay for everything ? Keep at 2 less pressure on your DH. We earn more than you around 150k 1 DC and they start getting a lot more expensive as they get older.

Split up your existing family unit to look for a new man to get pregnant with. Don't do that op.

They say when you’re not finished having babies you’re not sure if you do or don’t want more, and you are finished when you know you don’t. That was me with no 3 who is now 2 and who is 4 years and 8 years younger that the older 2. The third baby has made me and our fam complete. Yes I am totally wrecked but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I just wish I had the spacious car and house.

My marriage was dead anyway. But yes, not leaving earlier will always be my biggest regret. The longing for another child hasn't left me and I'm now 50! You only get one life and some compromises are just too big an ask.....

Dont think its a question you can asked strangers opinion on.. you go with what your wishes are if yoy truky wish for another chimd then it dose t matter what random people here say.

My husband and I both have many siblings and wanted our children to have siblings, not just one sibling.
We have 3 children. They are all primary age now and best of friends. They play all day, never get bored, rarely use screens. There is a lot of laughter.
Of course it's more expensive but you have a lot more money than us.
Things like mealtimes and bedtimes and getting out the house are harder. But all the bits in between are easier I think. They entertain each other.
We also have pets but to me they are a nuisance and not as much fun as children.
I can't imagine life without any of them, but I always wanted three or more.

Holiday perspective 3 is a pain in the butt. You can get rooms for 2 adults and 2 children easily but nightmare at times trying to find a room for 5.

I am one of three and hated it. Odd number means one always feels left out. I vowed if I had children I would never ever have 3.

I think you have 2 healthy children thank your lucky stars and don't take chances. Also if anything happens in the future with you or your OH 2 are far more manageable and less expensive than 3.

Lastly please think of the planet. We do not need more and more humans. If people actually cared about their children's futures they would not have more than 1 or 2

Dint get the view that 3 is more “fun”. Doesn’t that depend on personality? You could have 3 dull kids in one family or 2 interesting fun ones in another.

We stopped at 2 soooooo glad we did. We like to travel though and do stuff as a family now they are teens so much easier with just 2 not to mention less expensive. We have same sex and they get on so it’s brilliant

@6namechang3

We will have to agree to differ on this. I do feel that it is preaching when the OP (who I think sounds lovely and very sensible btw) had already stated that her family do what they feel is right for their family to help the environment and that having a third child would not worry them in this respect. Still posters felt the need to raise it, push it and even pass judgement i e. implying that it lacks sense to have another child. Yes, of course I was being deliberately OTT in my list of saintly virtues but was only trying to make the point that those promoting this issue may not be as environmentally conscious as the OP in other respects so really do not need to be so judgemental. You clearly think differently and that is your prerogative.

OP I really hope that you and DH reach a decision that makes you happy. You come across as a loving, caring family and a third child would be so lucky to be part of it if that is what you choose. Good luck x

The chances are they won't

The OP may well think they are doing a lot to help the environment but having children is one of the worst things you can do so why the need to have more than 1 or 2.

Also the rosy dream of 3 children all getting along so well is so often not true. As I said, I am one of three and hated it. I only really get on with one of my siblings and rarely see or speak to the other.

@mydogisthebest

https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2020/2/13/21132013/climate-change-children-kids-anti-natalism

Just another perspective?

So bringing more children into the world who will almost certainly all drive, fly abroad on holidays and have children of their own doesn't make any different to the planet or climate change? Yeah right

@mydogisthebest

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion as am I.
Who said it won't make any difference? I am just more open to the possibility that having children does not create the doom and gloom scenario that you believe (again, your choice!) The article (and yes, just one viewpoint among many) was interesting and gave another perspective. If you wish to stick rigidly to your point of view and not be open to other possibilities then OK.

People saying 1-2 is enough,only in the UK in Europe they encourage native population to die out and rather import people.

Where I come from families get extra payment regardless of their income from 3+ children and more from 7+ children, from school we were tought early on for our culture and langauge to survive ideally each family should have 3 children minimum,two to replace mum and dad and third to keep pooulation growth as not everyone is able to have children, accidents etc.

It doesn't really matter what I think. I have no children thank goodness so am not having the worry of how shit the future is going to be.

My nieces and nephews are grown up and all say they do not intend having children so no worry about them either. 2 out of 3 nieces are too old now to have them anyway and my nephew's wife is not far off being too old.

So many people have their heads in the sand and will just continue to have 3, 4 or even more children.

I honestly think the doom and gloom scenario is definitely very real and am glad that as I am almost 70 I will not have to live through the awfulness

@mydogisthebest

I am not that far behind you agewise. I have friends who opted not to have children (for a variety of reasons) and I respect that. I was one of three children (the youngest) and I loved my childhood. I had very loving parents and got on well with my siblings (sadly, one no longer here). I have two children and they have been an absolute joy as are my grandchildren (each child has two). I guess we each live our lives how it works for us. I love children (I was a teacher for many years) therefore I can understand others feeling the same and wanting to expand their families.
I wish you well.

In your situation and circumstances, I don't think there's a wrong decision. You're in a financial position to have two, mentally prepared too as you both wanted three. But stopping at 2 is also fine. Go with your gut really. I have two (ds1 is 2.7 and ds2 is 9 weeks) and I just KNOW I'm done. I feel very complete. I didn't feel like this with ds1. Even though I didn't want to do pregnancy and the first year again, i just knew I wanted another. So we kept all the baby stuff. This time, I'm selling stuff as ds2 grows out of it and just feel it's right.

I have 4, should have stopped at 1.

Have less kids and put more into them.

That article basically suggests that if each country that has set net zero targets meets those targets, then the emissions impact of having a child won’t be as bad as it is now.

Currently, no signatory to the Paris Agreement is compatible with net zero. Some are “almost sufficient” but many are critical insufficient, highly insufficient or insufficient (https://climateactiontracker.org/countries/). That “if” starts to look seriously wobbly.

By contrast, we know that in 2023 having a child has an impact that absolutely dwarfs any other thing one can do (let alone those things in combination) (https://amp.theguardian.com/environment/2017/jul/12/want-to-fight-climate-change-have-fewer-children).

I judge the heck out of people who have more kids than the replacement level, and I really don’t feel any sense of shame in doing so.

As I stated ...just another perspective. Your link also contained interesting information such as this,

“Population reduction would probably reduce carbon emissions but we have many other tools for getting global warming under control,” he said. “Perhaps more importantly, cutting the number of people on the planet will take hundreds of years. Emissions reduction needs to start now."

and provides another argument for consideration. People need to make up their own minds.

This is such a lovely comment thank you so much.

I have really appreciated all the help and advice and hearing peoples perspectives. Lots that I’d thought about already but a few things I hadn’t which has been useful to start to process.

I think if I was thinking just what I would like it would be easy and I’d have another. The thing I’m struggling with is what’s best for my DC and I think we still need some time to figure that out particularly around finances but also around having enough quality time for each so no quick decision from us I think!

Another thing I’ve taken from this thread is that there isn’t unfortunately a perfect answer here which I was hoping for! So that’s where I’ve landed for now..

Thanks again everyone