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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to have a third baby?

157 replies

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 08:39

Hello MNs

I know this has been done to death but I really need some outside perspective.

Our situation:

  • married 10 years
  • two children age 4 & 23 months
  • own house with mortgage 5 beds
  • big car (electric) so wouldn’t need to change it
  • always wanted 3
  • I’m stay at home mum
  • household income approx £90k

Both of us have always wanted three but now I’m second guessing myself. I’ve breastfed both of mine for a long time, over two years my eldest and still going with DD now at 21 months.

Ds is starting school in September and DD will go to preschool two mornings a week so I feel like I’m just getting back to myself a bit more. My eldest didn’t sleep until he was 2 and DD still not sleeping through yet.

Im just wondering if the benefit of having an extra sibling is worth it for the children or whether they would be better off us splitting our time/ money/ emotional resources between just the two of them.

If you were one of three would you mind sharing how you found it? Especially if you had this sort of age gap (about 3 years between). Or if you’ve got three how do you find it?

Im so torn because on paper it looks like a no brainier to me that we can do it but then I’m so worried about another 3 years of feeding/ no sleep and the impact on my current children plus then down the line uni fees etc. I go back and forth every day!

Is there anything I’ve not thought about?

Voting: YABU to have another YANBU to have another

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2023 10:31

It depends on the university and the course. Oxbridge terms are short and very intense. Students are very much discouraged from working during term time. DD did a STEM degree with a lot of contact hours, which wasn't compatible with working.

However, you are right, many students can and do work to support themselves, but it is still a consideration to take into account when planning more children.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 02/04/2023 10:32

I wouldn’t, for purely financial reasons. Unless you’re extremely wealthy, each extra child takes away from what you can give the others. Having a sibling is great, but the benefit of having more than one sibling doesn’t outweigh the sacrifices that would have to be made.

ThreeblackCats · 02/04/2023 10:33

Sorry op, and yes I know my opinion will sound nasty, but if you need to ask strangers in the internet if you should plan a child, then you really shouldn’t be getting pregnant!

This is nobody’s but your business.

hopsalong · 02/04/2023 10:35

I would leave it a little bit. I don't think you really desperately want a third child right now (in the way that some of my friends did; when mine were that age I was too tired and burnt out to contemplate it). Rationally it isn't a great decision. Your standard of living will be worse, not least because you currently have the opportunity to embrace work. If you're going back to work at 40 with three primary school-age children and almost a decade out of the work force then your own chance of finding satisfying and well-paid work is so much lower.

Financially I assume you have to go back to work at some point, though maybe you have some family money? I don't quite see how can afford a 5-bed house in the Home Counties on one salary of 90k otherwise.

If you desperately yearn for a new baby in a year or two then you won't be too old to conceive, and you will and should have one!

OliviaFlaversham · 02/04/2023 10:41

Our household income is similar. I have often thought about having a third as I think I would love the bustle and fun of a larger family. I’ve also thought three would be good for each other as they get older. What’s stopped me:

  • time with each. I have found mine more challenging in early school years than as preschoolers and babies. It would not be fair to them to divide my attention further. Also their social lives and driving to parties etc are enough with two-three would be stressful.
  • finances. Some things you don’t need to buy again but they aren’t what create the greatest cost. It’s the fees, music lessons, gymnastics, shoes…
  • one would end up having the smaller bedroom
  • hotel rooms and holidays become more difficult
  • risk of twins
  • being older

I still wish I could have one more but realistically, I know it wouldn’t be fair.

Dogwalker56 · 02/04/2023 10:42

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

"Think of poor planet earth."

🙄Bet you're glad YOUR parents didn't!
Yes, times are changing but IME a fair degree of hypocrisy comes along with such appeals.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 02/04/2023 10:43

I have three, love it. They are all really close.
we had quite big gaps though, 3.5 to 4 years, so it wasn’t too stressful.
We didn’t intend to privately educate, we could have for one if really necessary but luckily wasn’t needed. They are expensive now they’re buying flats!!
I would consider your age, sorry if you mentioned it,- just consider your risks of having a third with additional needs.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 10:46

Dogwalker56 · 02/04/2023 10:42

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

"Think of poor planet earth."

🙄Bet you're glad YOUR parents didn't!
Yes, times are changing but IME a fair degree of hypocrisy comes along with such appeals.

My parents had the sense to stop at two, and neither of us has kids. We aren't the ones overpopulating the planet.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/04/2023 10:50

No way would I have a third on that income in the Home Counties with you not working! Unless you have an enormous amount of equity you’d be absolutely stuffed if you and your husband split up and it would be an extra person to house/clothe feed etc. 90k on a single salary is about 4.5k per month give or take which isn’t a huge amount to fund five people in the Home Counties!

DelphiniumBlue · 02/04/2023 10:56

To3ornot · 02/04/2023 09:28

Oops sorry this was for @DelphiniumBlue

Show quote history

He thought it was the right choice, he really values his siblings.

berksandbeyond · 02/04/2023 11:13

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/04/2023 10:50

No way would I have a third on that income in the Home Counties with you not working! Unless you have an enormous amount of equity you’d be absolutely stuffed if you and your husband split up and it would be an extra person to house/clothe feed etc. 90k on a single salary is about 4.5k per month give or take which isn’t a huge amount to fund five people in the Home Counties!

This is what I thought but thought I’d be eaten alive for suggesting 90k isn’t enough money!
However they may have family money because otherwise a 5 bed house in the Home Counties on 90k isn’t adding up…

Londongal123 · 02/04/2023 11:17

Since you're a SAHM you need life insurance. It's recommended that you have 10x your husband's yearly salary so if something does happen you know you can provide for your children for at least 10 years without having to change your lifestyle. Also, you need accidental insurance so if something happens do your DH his salary would be covered (imagine he got cancer and couldn't work or if he had a life changing accident that causes him to not be able to walk, etc.) The things you have now won't matter if you aren't protected and something bad happens.

If you're fully protected financially then why not? If you want a third, go for it. If not, then don't.

drpet49 · 02/04/2023 11:20

I say go for it. I know families of 5 & 6 on far less income than yours.

Dogwalker56 · 02/04/2023 11:21

"My parents had the sense to stop at two, and neither of us has kids. We aren't the ones overpopulating the planet."

I also stopped at two but for financial and practical reasons. Some people choose not to have children, others do! I just feel that unless a person's life is squeaky clean (in terms of being environmentally friendly) then it is unfair to criticise others. You do not know in what other ways the OP is much better than you at being environmentally aware. She should not be shamed for her choice!

Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 11:22

YaWeeFurryBastard · 02/04/2023 10:50

No way would I have a third on that income in the Home Counties with you not working! Unless you have an enormous amount of equity you’d be absolutely stuffed if you and your husband split up and it would be an extra person to house/clothe feed etc. 90k on a single salary is about 4.5k per month give or take which isn’t a huge amount to fund five people in the Home Counties!

I would say this is my main worry really, then the chance of third having a life limiting issue (appreciate how lucky I’ve been) and then the third issue is my career/ having time for myself again. Money wise our mortgage is around £1.6k a month so quite a chunk and obviously all the bills have gone up etc. Swimming and dance lessons for my DS are pricey too and I appreciate this will all continue to increase. But we are lucky in that we do have some savings and we don’t need nursery.

Practically it seems it would be best to stick with two. I just have this picture in my head of three children round the dining table, coming home for Sunday lunch, being there for each other when we’re gone etc which refuses to go away. I know none of those are guaranteed !

Plus, yes I would love to experience pregnancy/ birth / a newborn again.

Lots to mull over. If I had a crystal ball it would be easier! The lovely stories of having three and them all being there for each other just sounds like the dream but again I suppose I can’t bank on that being the case. Really appreciate everyone’s thoughts and for being supportive. I don’t find it easy to talk to friends or family about this in real life as they all think more than two is insane so good to get a variety of opinions!

OP posts:
Original poster
To3ornot · 02/04/2023 11:23

berksandbeyond · 02/04/2023 11:13

This is what I thought but thought I’d be eaten alive for suggesting 90k isn’t enough money!
However they may have family money because otherwise a 5 bed house in the Home Counties on 90k isn’t adding up…

Show quote history

Yes we had help with our deposit on our first house from our parents and believe me I know how lucky we are to have had it.

OP posts:
hopsalong · 02/04/2023 11:43

@To3ornot
You sound as if you're being very sensible in thinking through all the aspects of the decision, and it's useful to have the salary/house thing clarified!

Sorry if you've said this, but how many siblings do you have? What about DH?

Do either of your parents have quite serious amounts of money? Would they be willing to contribute financially to your children's life in the future?

Would they have been able to help you in the way they have if they'd had more children? Would you want in the future to be able to give your own children what your parents gave you?

Are you intending/ willing to go back to work? Is your husband able to increase his income or work more hours? Oddly I know quite a few families with two kids and a SAHM. In all of the families I know with 3+ kids both parents work. The two single mums I know with 3 kids both work incredibly long hours. A SAHM life makes more sense with every child you add but becomes increasingly hard to afford for the same reason!

I have two children and we took their cousin (same age as my older son) on holiday to Italy with us this year. It was unbelievably expensive. Also very fun, though that might have been because all three children were very close in age and wanted to do exactly the same things. The whole holiday wasn't 1.25x of the holiday cost for a family of four, it was more like 2x because we had to rent a different house, get a different hire care, etc.

Katieandthekids · 02/04/2023 13:12

I have three. 3 year old twins and a 14 month old. It's hard but it's so so beautiful. You sound like you are in a similar position to us but with s bigger house. Go for it. X

TheWayTheLightFalls · 02/04/2023 13:29

I don’t have 3 but I have friends with 3- I don’t see that the added sibling outweighs the stress, inability to perfectly divide the parents time etc. I think it really limits the other children’s abilities to have play dates, extra curricular activities etc.

I’m a mum to three and I’d echo this (my youngest was twins, there’s no way I’d have planned this).

Maybe personality plays a big part but I am constantly stressed / in planning mode, constantly wiping an ass or a nose or dealing with nits, gasping at the cost of stuff even though we’re lucky enough to be well-off, trying to juggle everyone’s needs fairly, worried that the little ones don’t get the same one-to-one time with me as DC1. The car and bedrooms are the least of it imo.

Humanbiology · 02/04/2023 16:59

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 10:46

My parents had the sense to stop at two, and neither of us has kids. We aren't the ones overpopulating the planet.

Show quote history

That's how you choose to live I however wanted 4.

RoseFl0wers · 02/04/2023 17:55

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 10:46

My parents had the sense to stop at two, and neither of us has kids. We aren't the ones overpopulating the planet.

Show quote history

Interesting that the world leaders spouting on about overpopulation have children, drive cars, use aeroplanes and import food from other countries. OP just needs to consider how 3 dc will impact her family’s finances and her career prospects. Also how older mothers have more risks in pregnancy (to them and foetus).

L3ThirtySeven · 02/04/2023 19:05

Technically, most of the globe is not over populating the planet. Most of us have birth rates below replacement level. Those having children can take as much credit as those choosing not to have children because as a species we need some children every generation.

Dogwalker56 · 02/04/2023 19:15

@RoseFl0wers

Interesting that the world leaders spouting on about overpopulation have children, drive cars, use aeroplanes and import food from other countries.

This! The hypocrisy is tangible. Unless people live in a little house that they have whittled out of driftwood, live totally off grid, forage for their food, never use toiletries, never buy new shoes, clothes etc., never use technology, air travel or cars, then everyone is guilty in someway of contributing to the environmental problems and shouldn't be preaching to anyone else. Rant over 😁

Coffeeandcrocs · 02/04/2023 19:43

2 kids is 2 kids, 3 kids is 475 kids

6namechang3 · 02/04/2023 21:03

It's not preaching to mention environmental concerns in your decision making.Its ridiculous to state that only those living environmentally saintly lives can pass comment. Lots of people consider the environment when thinking what products to buy, to fly, to eat less meat, why is it preaching to mention it when thinking about family size?

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